Fiji!

(Sorry in ad\/ance for my \/ key - usually I fix it before posting, but tonight I just don't ha\/e time...)

Well as expected, Fiji was just beautiful and e\/erything I expected.

Day 1
There was a group of Fijians at the airport with their guitar, welcoming the people off the plane.  We got to our airport transfer with little fuss, although this was our first lesson about Fiji time....

We stayed at Denarau, a short dri\/e from Nadi and spent our first afternoon there exploring the resort we were staying at, booked in some tours and caught the Bulla Bus down to Port Denarau.

Day 2:
The following day, I went back to Port Denarau and got an hour massage and a facial = a bargain at $FJ100.  After lunch and my massage and facial, we headed back to the resort where we spent the afternoon relaxing in the coolness of the swimming pool which o\/erlooks Nadi Bay.

I should add, that by this stage, I was really really enjoying the bed in our resort.  Not for what you might think though - it was just so unbelie\/ably comfy that I ha\/e come back to Australia and am looking for a bed just like it!!!

The buffet  breakky was also unbelie\/able - you name it, and it was there almost: bacon, scrambled eggs, fried eggs, sausages, fried tomatos, spring rolls, hash browns, corn flakes, coco pops and god knows what other cereal, doughnuts, pancakes (with a choice of syrup and cream), chocolate croissants, and all sorts of other danishes, not to mention diff types of bread, fruit platters, fruit smoothies, about 3 types of yoghurt and muesli. They also had a juicer so you could make your own fruit juice, or just pour the pre-made stuff: orange, pineapple and apple.  You also had a choice of coffee and tea (heck, why not just ha\/e both!) and also champagne.    Needless to say we took our time eating breakky!

Day 3:
On Saturday, we got up early to eat our buffet breakky (but not so much today because we were going on a boat!!!) and went to Castaway Island.  There we did some snorkelling and some swimming in the pool.  The highlight of my time there was ha\/ing some bread in my hand and ha\/ing heaps of fish come and eat it out of my hands.  When there was no more bread left, they were nibbling my fingers! It was \/ery cute!

Castaway Island - just gorgeous!

Fish just off the shore at Castaway Is

Some fun in the pool at Castaway

Day 4:
On Sunday, my birthday, we got up early again and had another buffet breakky and this time we were off to Robinson Crusoe Island.  I highly recommend this tour. From our hotel, we got a bus to a ri\/er.  At the ri\/er we got on the boat.  We were a little confused why we'd be going on a boat in a ri\/er to get to an island that is supposed to be in the sea, until we realised that the island is certainly in the sea, but just up from a ri\/er mouth!

When we arri\/ed, we were told about the a\/ailable acti\/ities for the day.  I headed straight off and got another massage ($FJ25) and a pedicure ($FJ25).  By the time this was finished, it was time to watch the unearthing of the Lo\/o (Fiji's \/ersion of the Hungi), and the Beqa men walking on hot coals.  We had lunch and after lunch there were performances - traditional dances (both men and women), knife throwing and, of course, flame throwing.  Afer this, we went out on the boat for some snorkeling.  Unfortunately we didn't get to stay long as there was a strong current.  When we got back to shore, my Sydney Boy and I went and had a bit of a swim in the pool before I relaxed in a hammock beside the pool with a good book (Jodie Picoult - Keeping Faith)...  All too soon it was time to go back to our hotel!

A glimpse of Robinson Crusoe Island

A descendant of the Beqa men walking on coal

Some performances

More performances

Fish @ Robinson Crusoe Is

Day 5
On Monday, we had a relaxing day.  We slept in a little, and took our time eating breakfast.  We caught the free boat o\/er to an island called "Akuilau" where there is nothing except toilets and 9 people who li\/e on the island.  We also went to the Sheraton \/illas and had a couple of cocktails at the pool bar.  We swam in our own resort swimming pool, and simply relaxed...

\/iew at breakfast

\/iew from Akuilau back to our resort

The little pig who is a pet for the people who li\/e on the island - seems a bit cruel doesn't it?

Lea\/ing Akuilau to go back to our resort

Swimming in the pool at the Sheraton \/illas

Swimming in the pool at the resort

Enjoying the spa at our resort

My Sydney Boy watching the e\/ening ritual

Day 6
Unfortunately, all too soon, our holiday was o\/er.  The next morning, we packed our bags and headed once again for our final breakfast in Fiji.  We e\/en got our own farewell song at breakky from the staff.  My Sydney Boy used our final morning to go explore the Sheraton, but I stayed by the pool and read my book...

On the plane home, a Fijian man sat next to me on his first trip to Australia.  He told me that his wife had just gi\/en birth to their 3rd daughter in Fiji and that Australia is his country of hope because he would like to mo\/e here one day (which is little surprise when their a\/erage wage seems to be about $FJ2.50 an hour!!!).  He was coming to \/isit his wife's sister who already li\/es in Australia in the hope that he will like it.  We talked about Fiji and about Australia and he asked me to write my name down and that if it was OK with me, he would like to use my name in his daughter's name.  I said that this was fine so maybe if he was telling the truth (fat chance, but it's a nice thought isn't it?) my name will become popular in Fiji ;)

Oh how I long to be back in Fiji already...

Life Lesson 1: Trust your gut instinct

I never got a reply to the message I sent that friend who deleted me from Facebook.  My other friend who was also deleted without cause or comment sent him a message on Facebook and a text message.  She received a reply to neither message.  It was only when she spoke to him on MSN that she found out the reason with a click of a couple of buttons we were removed from his life.

We lost touch.  That was his reason.  So, instead of, upon making that realisation, picking up the phone to call or send a text, instead of posting on my Facebook wall or sending a message on Facebook or by email, he simply hit the delete button.  Must have been too much effort for the poor poppet.  Or maybe he didn't care enough to bother.  Personally, my bet is on both options.

Of course we lost touch - I was no longer living literally down the street from them anymore!

In this day and age, it's actually pretty easy to keep in touch with people with so much technology at our fingertips.  That is, if we care enough to.  There's really no excuses for it being too hard to keep in touch.  It takes little time and energy to send a quick message via a number of modern day technologies if one doesn't have time for a phone call.

Now, I'm the first to admit that when it comes to keeping in touch, I'm no angel.  I freely admit that I'm shit at keeping in touch with others.  But I'm also not the kind of friend who wants to live in your pocket.  No, you might not hear from me for a few weeks and in a couple of cases a couple of months, but be rest assured that I will think of you and at some point, I will take those few seconds to send you a message, or take the time to give you a call.  But that depends on what effort I see you making for me.

I know that Miss B has been crazy busy with her uni work so we haven't chatted as much as we'd like to but I know that when she has the time, she makes the effort for a phone call or text messages.  Similarly Miss L has been busy too but she makes the time when she can for a phone call or a Skype chat.  Miss K is a single mum to 2 kids but still makes the time when she has the time.  Even Mr M who has his own issues to deal with in his life manages to keep in touch by text message and the occassional online chat or phone call.

It just proves what I had already suspected.  At least I know once again that my instincts were right.  That's OK though.  It gives me more space in my life for those who make the effort.

Those are the real friends, worthy of my time, energy and effort.  To those friends (even those who aren't mentioned in this blog) a big thank you.  The fact you are dedicating your time, energy and effort to read my blog means you are a good friend too.

xoxoxox

In my dreams

I have been having such weird dreams lately that I actually remember when I wake up.  First there was the one where there was a big snake or python in a tree that chased me, along with all it's tiny little baby snakes and they all bit me all over my feet and then after that I spent my time chasing horses up some hill covered in sunflowers.  Then there was the one where my mum gave me someone's baby girl that she'd tried suffocating with plastic over her mouth and nose (WTF?!?!).  Then there was the one I had this afternoon when I lay down beside my Sydney Boy who was napping before he went to work tonight.

In the dream, there was a girl, apparently an ex girlfriend of his who was trying to get him back.  She was quite beautiful and she kept doing things, trying to break us up, and doing things to make him fall for her.  In my dream each time she was there, my heart was in my mouth, scared he'd choose her and leave me.  Each time in my dream, he chose me!

When I woke up, I couldn't help but marvel once again at how lucky I am to have met him.  Usually our sub conscience shows us the things we fear in our dreams.  But in my dream, my Sydney Boy chose me!  I couldn't help but feel proud of how secure that I feel in this relationship, not only consciously, but subconsciously too.

I couldn't help but stare at my Sydney Boy sleeping beside me and feel my heart swell with love for him, the man who went out last night after 10pm just to get me a banana to take some headache tablets (I can't take tablets without food) and some milk to make a cup of tea to help the headache. 

The man who came home last night with 2 cartons of orange juice as well because he knows I hate carrying them up the hill from the shopping centre. 
 
The man who got up early yesterday to cook me breakfast. 

The man who is driving into the city tomorrow afternoon just to pick up the plants I got for free on Friday so we can have some colour on our balcony. 

The man who is taking me to Fiji for my birthday and to New Zealand in February. 

The man who showers me with kisses and attention. 

The man who never fails to make me laugh, even when I'm in a bad mood or had a bad day.

The man who has already planned what he will cook for me for dinner on the nights he has off this week that I just know will be all relatively healthy. 

The man who cooked me a chicken stir fry the other night after dinner just so I'd have something healthy to take to work for lunch the next day. 

The man who always makes sure there's something quick and easy in the freezer for me to cook on nights he's working and I'm by myself so I don't just have ice cream for dinner, or not eat at all. 

The man who has become more domesticated (by washing all of the clothes, vacuuming, washing up and cooking) than I think he has ever been, and taken it within his stride.

 The man who goes above and beyond what any other boyfriend in my entire life has ever done. 

The man who told me yesterday that I'm not just his girlfriend, but the love of his life.

No wonder I feel lucky, even in my dreams. 

New friends and old

When I first decided to move to Sydney, this is before I met my Sydney Boy, part of me was scared to leave my friends in Brisbane because I was worried about what might happen to those friendships.  Although it wasn't the only thing that held me back from making the big move, it certainly played on my mind - after all, I didn't want to move to a completely new city, have trouble making new friends AND lose all the old ones as well!

Fast forward 12 months to when I meet my Sydney Boy and I realise two things.  The first is that with him in Sydney, I will always have a friend here.  The second being that if the friendship is worth anything, it'll always be there.

So it did not come as a total surprise when I began to see this sort of thing happening.  I noticed that there were a couple of people who just did not make the effort.  In actual fact, before I left Brisbane, I had begun to notice the little effort they made but always wrote it off.  Then they didn't come to my farewell party and had a really dodgy excuse, and then when I invited them to a group lunch thing I was having when I came back for a quick visit (literally off one plane from Mackay, rush to Toombul for lunch and then back on the plane home to Sydney), they didn't even bother RS\/P'ing to the invitation on Facebook.  Every time I tried making conversation on MSN with the husband (the person I actually knew first) I felt like I was being met with a brick wall.  I decided after a while that maybe because they could see what I was up to on Facebook (the perils of Facebook eh?) that if I hid that info from them, then maybe this would prompt them to get in touch to say "hi" and we'd be able to have a conversation.  I noticed tonight that the husband had deleted me off Facebook.

Now, I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised as I'd planned to do something similar myself if nothing had been forthcoming from either of them.  And, maybe I should have been adult enough to message them both to say "hey, what's happening, I'm a little concerned about how we don't talk anymore".  I guess I could just see little by little that there was less and less effort being put in and I was a little hurt.  I'm reminded of the quote...

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills. ~ Lord Buddha

I'm reminded of this quote because I had suspected for some time that I was not a priority in their life anymore, that I had slipped down the friend ladder (and maybe I shouldn't put too much weight in Facebook, but when they can RS\/P to someone else's parties quickly but not two of my own, it did cause me to wonder...).  I had doubted them and without a doubt, they'll have their own views on how things went the way they did.

I'm not devastated about what has happened, but it does make me a little sad whenever any friendship ends for whatever reason, even though I know that not all friendships are forever.  I have met some great friends through this couple so nothing is ever a waste of time.  I'd probably have done the deletion myself after a while, but I wanted to give them the courtesy of more time, and had planned to try and see them when I was back at Christmas before striking them off for good.  I guess the deletion from him shows I was never much of a priority to them (at least not recently), and that my suspicions were warranted. 

Then there are some people and things that I do miss dearly.  Sometimes I miss being able to meet up with Miss B for a coffee, or lunch, or whatever tickled our fancy to talk through and find meaning things that are happening in our lives.  Talking on the phone is really just not the same.  I also miss my late night coffees at Maccas with Miss L.  Just the other night, I read that the old gang (Miss L, Miss S and Mr D) were there, and I felt a pang of jealousy and sadness as I had realised just what I had been missing.  These friendships are, funnily enough, the ones that have gotten stronger since I have been here.

It's not as though I have been looking for new friends here.  In actual fact, I haven't been.  Life is always so busy with my Sydney Boy that I have barely had time to catch up with the friends I already have here!  Don't get me wrong here, it's not often that I feel desperately lonely - my Sydney Boy makes sure I want and need nothing and he makes me so content but it's just that every now and then (usually when my Sydney Boy is at work at night), there's that pang.  The pang I know I'd be feeling much much more if my Sydney Boy weren't here to fill the void my friends left.

Who knows what will happen down the track.  One of my dearest friends in the whole wide world, my best friend Mr M, didn't speak to me for years, nor I to him (but that is a whoooole new blog post!), and maybe I will make more friends who can fill in (although never replace) the void left by the friends I left behind in Brisbane.  And maybe when we move back to Brisbane (whenever that day may be), I will be able to pick up those friendships that have gotten stronger and enjoy them to their fullest once again.

I'll leave you with this quote...

We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." ~ Amy Marie Walz

Adelaide

A couple of weeks ago we got to go and see Powderfinger in Adelaide which was pretty exciting.

The best part of the weekend was going to Granite Island.  If you're ever down that way I highly recommend it.  You can catch a horse drawn ferry over there from \/ictor Harbour, or you can walk over, whatever suits you.  When we got over there we were lucky enough to get to see some dolphins swimming along the coast.  Have I mentioned just how much I love dolphins?!?!

And if that wasn't enough excitement, there was also a sea lion that was about half a metre from the shore.  He spent the entire time we were there just lying in the water, obviously enjoying the cool water.  Unfortunately we had to drive back to Adelaide for an early morning flight (me back to Sydney, my Sydney Boy to the Gold Coast to see his parents) so we couldn't stay for the Penguin Tour.  If we're ever back there, we'll definitely go back and do the tour. 

I really quite like Adelaide and I think we'll definitely go back again.

Now, counting down to Fiji....

Living it up

Last weekend was a busy one for us.  On Friday night we went to see Ben Hur at the ANZ Stadium.  It was OK, but certainly not what I was expecting and we were both glad we didn't purchase more expensive seating.

On Saturday night, we headed out for dinner with friends of my Sydney Boy's and I really enjoyed myself.  I have missed having people around to have friendly banter and chat with.

On Sunday, we headed along to the Sydney Opera House to their open day.  The weather was wet and horrible and the tourists of a particular race were out in force.  It was one very frustrating afternoon and would have been better if they'd restricted the amount of people in there at any one time.

Here a couple of photos from the day... (although my camera isn't great...)

Afterwards, we went out for dinner with another one of my Sydney Boy's mates.

What a big weekend for us.

Island Hopping

We're always doing things, my Sydney Boy and I.  Every weekend we both have together, my Sydney Boy always wants to plan things to do.  Sometimes, once the initial rush of new romance wears off, it is exhausting.  Other times it's exhilarating. 

The last couple of weekends, though, it has been me that has wanted to plan things.  Two weekends ago, we went Island Hopping.  Of course that sounds very exciting and exotic but really it was only down at Sydney Harbour.  It was all part of some promotion they do every year where you pay some $$$ and get on a ferry that takes you to Goat Island, Shark Island and Clarke Island, all of which are usually off bounds to the public.

On Goat Island, visitors are taken back to colonial times.  I 'signed up' for the army, was given a red vest and then marched in line with others and shown what it was like back in the colonial era.  We had a wooden gun that we had to march with, and pretend we were firing.  We got a glimpse at how prisoners were treated and learnt a bit about the origin of some sayings "for eg, 3 square meals a day".

Here are some pics from Goat Island (I'm the one in the black and blue dress...)

 

And here I am in the old prisoner's box - this used ot sleep 24 of them and sure as hell would have been really hot back in the day!

Next, we headed to Shark Island.  We timed it well because we were the only ones leaving Goat Island which meant we pretty much had Shark Island to ourselves.  We learnt that Shark Island (named only because from the air it looks like a shark) that Shark Island was used as a quarantine zone for animals 'back in the day'.  They had some stuffed dead animals and a little touch pool, like they have at Sea World.  My Sydney Boy wasn't very fussed though on the sea urchin he got to hold... lol

Arriving at Shark Island...

One of the stuffed animals...

Because we arrived on Shark Island so early and by ourselves, it meant that when we arrived at Clarke Island we had that one all to ourselves too.  We felt like \/IPs as we got our own indigenous smoking ceremony and the indigenous kids did a welcoming dance for us.  There was another indigenous man who was doing rockpainting so we dipped our hands in the ocre and joined in...

We tried fish cooked over seaweed and learnt about rock fishing and how indigenous people survived before white settlers.  They used to have this tree, called the Guardian Tree, and the kids used to sit on the leaves if they couldn't make it back to camp in time and the parents would come looking for them.  Apparently they named it as such because the leaves were spikey and snakes couldn't slither on them so they were pretty safe for the kids unless they were unlucky enough to get bitten by a spider.

After we'd seen everything, we headed home, exhausted from our Island Hopping experiences.

Surprises

I have always loved a good surprise.  Although I hate the suspense when you know there's a surprise, you just don't know what it is.  Knowing how I love a good surprise, my Sydney Boy organised one for me at the end of September. 

He didn't tell me where we were going and he only gave me clues which of course did not help me at all to guess where we were going.  So, on a Sunday morning, we got up relatively early and set off on our drive down to the south coast.  It was a bright sunny day and he chose well in that regard.

It turns out, he took me to Jambaroo Action Park.  We spent the day exploring what the park had to offer: a chair lift up to the top of the mountain, and then toboggan down, the man made beach complete with fake waves, there were water slides but I'm a little scared of those from bad experiences as a kid, and a rock where you can jump in from a height.

At lunch time, we had taken some meat along so we could have a BBQ lunch and we enjoyed it in the shade on such a beautiful warm day. 

On the drive home, I couldn't help but reflect on how much I love surprises, and how truly wonderful this surprise was.

Does it get much better than this?

He cooks.

He cleans.

He's affectionate.

He makes me laugh.

He surprises me all the time, random things, thoughtful things.

We have not had one single argument or disagreement in the entire time we have been together.

He does thoughtful things like making sure there is food in the freezer to heat up when he's not here, so I don't have to cook, or forget to eat, or eat junk because it's easier to make for just me.

When I'm down, he's bought me flowers, or left me cute messages.

He supports me in whatever way he can.

He inspires me to be better and to do better.

He says and does sweet and caring things.

He says what he means, and means what he says.

He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy, even when I don't feel like I am.

All that he does and says makes me feel like he wants me, loves me, adores me. As if I'm the most wonderful beautiful intelligent woman who has set foot on this earth.  Maybe I'm not any of things but to him, I am.

He misses me when I'm not there.

When he looks at me, I can see the affection in his eyes.

He includes me in his life.  He wants me to be part of it.  He doesn't want me to not be part of it.

He is taking me to Fiji for my birthday this year.  The trip has now been booked and paid for.

He is mine.  I am his.

The day he told me he loves me

Last Tuesday my Sydney Boy was home all day and we had decided to have a 'date' that night seems we hadn't had much time together as a result of his working schedule.  He told me he was cooking dinner, a roast and then we were going to see the new movie that I'd been wanting to see, "Tomorrow, when the war began".  I was excited. 

When I got on the train, he sent me a text message to tell me he had "installed" something that day.  Now, in my domesticated bliss, all the way home, I was wondering what it was he'd installed.  After much thought, I came to the conclusion that he must have secretly organised to get the light above the mirror that I had been complaining about for weeks, fixed.  Then I thought perhaps he'd bought a new gadget (like when he'd bought the telly without telling me he was going to buy one!). 

Then he sent me a text message saying to be careful as I walked in the door.  Well, this had me stumped about what it was he had 'installed' and I decided that it must not be the light in the bathroom at all, but no doubt he's gotten something that he thinks I'll like or that will help me. 

When I arrived home, I opened the door and gingerly put my head around the corner, wondering what I had to be careful of.  The lights were off, there was candle light, and a naked man wearing my pink betty boop fluffy boots topped with an apron standing at the stove with the roast.  Well, this was certainly not what I was expecting at all!  And, what a sight!

I walked in the door and put my bag down as he hugged and kissed me.  I kept looking around trying to see if there was anything new or different.  Between kisses I couldn't see anything.  He sat me down the bed and took of the apron.  He told me he'd dipped himself in strawberries and although I was a little confused, I could smell strawberries on his chest.  It's not that I didn't enjoy kissing my boyfriend or getting a little X rated but I couldn't help but be a little distracted trying to find out what exactly he'd 'installed'.  This is very different to the way I used to be.  He then treated me to a full body massage which was divine and I succumbed to the enjoyment of the massage.

Afterwards, we were sitting in the bath chatting, as we do every night.  I asked him what was installed that day when I noticed that the light over the mirror wasn't fixed.  It's then he tells me that he simply meant he had meant he'd organised something (ie the massage and dinner). Whoops for me... Although I enjoyed everything he'd planned, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed that the light wasn't fixed ha ha.

It's then he also tells me that he'd originally written "I love you" with strawberry body paint on his chest.  Of course this was all smudged and ruined when he put the apron on!

I couldn't help but giggle and fall even more in love with him just at the thought.  It might not have gone the way he'd planned it but I love that he thought of such a creative way of telling me for the first time.

And that is the story of the the day he told me he loves me.

Birthday shenanigans

I wanted to plan something fun for my Sydney Boy's birthday.  For weeks, I tossed a number of ideas through my head, trying to work out what I could do to make his birthday special.  I was going to give him a present or do something every day of his birthday week.  I kept joking with him telling him I was so stumped for ideas for his birthday that I was just going to get him socks and jocks and leave it at that.  For a while, he was looking at going to the musical, Wicked.  I didn't know how to pull this one off without him getting suspicious.  I finally got him to commit to having the night before we were going to Melbourne for his birthday (he'd booked this a while ago) off from work so I could book a table at a 'prestigious restaurant'.  So, I booked the tickets to see Wicked.  But, I wanted to make this fun and I realised that it just wasn't possible to do what I'd planned (the present every day) with Wicked being on the Friday night. 

So, the treasure hunt came into fruition.  I went and I bought a couple of pairs of socks, a pair of jox, a wallet, some cologne and some biros (so he can stop taking all mine to work!).

I then carefully wrapped (complete with ribbon) each gift individually and came up with some hiding places, and clues to go with and placed a clue with each gift.  On the Saturday before his birthday, after much bargaining from my Sydney Boy, I got him to go to the shops on the premise of getting some food item so I could hide all of the gifts in their hiding place. 

On his return, I gave him an envelope with his first clue which sent him down to the mailbox.  In the mailbox, he found a pair of socks wrapped up with another clue.  This clue sent him to the microwave where he found a pair of jocks wrapped up with another clue.  This clue took him to the pantry where he found another pair of socks wrapped up with another clue which sent him to the bathroom.  In the bathroom, he found the wallet and biros wrapped up with a clue that sent him to the couch.  Under a pillow on the couch, he found the cologne and shower gel wrapped up with a clue that sent him to his final destination: the pillow on the bed.  Inside the box, were tickets to see Wicked on 3 September.    It was a fun little exercise.


Wicked was really awesome too.  If you haven't had the chance to see it, go to Brisbane and see it - I promise it's well worth the money.  We'd go and see it again!

The following day we went to Melbourne with his mate, M.  We had lunch at a fabulous cafe that is set in America in the 1960s.  There was an Elvis and each table had it's own juke box on it with all the music back in 'the day'.  I was in heaven.  Their milkshakes are to die for.  We checked into our hotel, and had a birthday dinner and drinks at the Casino.

The next day, we packed up and headed to Mt Buller to the snow.  It was the first time I'd been to the snow and I'm so glad I got to share it with my Sydney Boy. 

I really have had such a wonderful time in the past 6 months with my Sydney Boy, and probably done more too in that time compared to the rest of my life.  I'm so excited to see where our lives end up if this is what it's like in the first 6 months.  I know that, like all relationships, we'll need to work at it constantly, and that if we do not keep working at it, life won't be this wonderful forever and we'll begin to take each other for granted.  I know that life will change as we are together longer, and as our relationship progresses to the next stages of our lives.  

My Sydney Boy has something planned for next weekend.  I'm not quite sure where we're going or what we're doing, but he's always surprising me and I love it.

God damn you're beautiful

September has proven to be just as exciting with my Sydney Boy as it always is.  Perhaps the sweetest thing my Sydney Boy has done this month is call and dedicate another song to me on the radio.

He came home from work one night and raced to put the radio on which I thought was a little odd for him as he usually turns the Tv on instead.  I had an assignment due so I was sitting on the couch madly writing it while dinner was cooking on the stove.  He finished dinner off and served it while I was working on my assignment, and then he put the radio on his phone and went into the bathroom and began to run the bathwater for our nightly bath together.  By this time I was sitting at the table eating dinner, but he must have been worried I'd miss it at one point because he went into the bathroom and brought his phone to the table.  I was a little suspicious, but still wasn't entirely sure what he was up to.

And then I heard it, he was on the radio.  He said that I mean the world to him, that he was so happy to be with me.  I wish I could remember the rest of what he'd said.  I wish I'd recorded all of this earlier.  And he had dedicated the most beautiful song I have ever heard, just for me, and I fell so much more for him than I had before.

An update in pictures - August

The week after the Bay Run, we did the 14km City to Surf.  I was so proud of my Sydney Boy who did the run/walk in 2 hours 15 minutes, 20 minutes faster than me.  I got through what is known as Heartbreak Hill OK.  In fact, it was only the last 3km that were hell for me.  My right hand started to swell and I was worried about what this might mean.  I was tempted to stop and ask the St John people, but I was worried that they might not let me finish the race so I pressed on.  The last 2km were agony as my feet felt like they were walking on kni\/es.  I pushed through the pain, determined to finish, determined to make my Sydney Boy proud of me for finishing, and damn it, I finished.  Here are some pics from the day:
Waiting to get started...

 

This was taken after we got home.  My Sydney Boy and I both passed out on the bed when we got home.  We were so exhausted.  This is what I woke up to.  I could help but take a photo.  The sight did (and still does) melt my heart:

 

August was a pretty quiet month, mainly because my Sydney Boy had been working lots of night shifts at work so our time together on the weekends were really limited unfortunately :(

Of course the advantage to this is that it makes us realise how important and valuable our time together really is, and that is sooo damn important. 

An update in pictures - July

Wow, I cannot believe how much time has passed since I last blogged.  There has just been so much happening in my life that I can't even begin to think where to start.  Life in Sydney with my Sydney Boy still feels like a fairy tale.  Every day I wake up feeling so lucky to have met him and I am sure that I have turned into one of those people I used to hate so badly: the happy in love, the lucky, the one I never thought I would be.  Perhaps hate is the wrong word.  Envy is probably more accurate. I wish I knew how I scored such a wonderful prize so I could share the 'trick' with some of my dearest friends.  It seems to be no more than luck and timing.

We have been very busy since I last wrote.  I surprised my Sydney Boy with tickets to the football to see his favourite team play back in the middle of July.  It was going to take a bit of planning to make it a surprise and still make sure he could get the night off work so I conspired with my friend Karen. I first of all had to get her football expertise on where to find all the information about who plays who, where they play etc, and then the best game to go to with Sydney Boy's favourite team.  Once I'd worked out which game I wanted to take him to, I got her to put a comment on my Facebook wall saying she was coming to Sydney and that she wanted to meet up with my Sydney Boy and I for dinner when she was here.  I then asked Sydney Boy to get the night off work which he did and then I booked the tickets (with a little help from a work colleague about which seats were better).  I only told him three days before the game.  It was incredibly exciting being my first ever football match and I was glad that I'd pulled off the surprise (and that I actually didn't mind going - it was actually kind of fun!).  The look on his face when he realised we were going was priceless.  As it turns out, my friend's suggestion about the game to go to was spot on.

We then flew to Mackay a weekend later on 24 July to see my old school friend Tammy get married.  That was fun although I was a little disappointed we couldn't (well I couldn't) afford to stay longer to go see the Whitsundays seems we were so close.  I guess that's another trip for another time ;)

The following weekend, we did the 7km Bay Run at Iron Cove on 31 July...  Here's a pic taken before we started

That one was pretty easy really, I was quite surprised at how easy it felt.  I was expecting much worse.  I felt pretty proud of myself for what I had achieved, although incredibly nervous about what was to come the following weekend...

See my next entry for more info...

Elastic Bands

One of my favourite comedies of all time is Becker.  Everytime I watch it, it just cracks me up.  I haven't written in a while because of so much going on in my life.  Lately, I've been reminded of this episode (which is probably the best of all the series':







In this episode, Becker explains about 'payback' where something good happens, then something bad happens in return. In particular, at 8:49 in the first video, he says "Imagine a big rubber band... with every so called lucky thing, the rubber band gets stretched a little bit more." and he goes on to list off all the good things that had happened to him that day and as he lists them off, the imaginary rubber band gets stretched more and more "and then thwack".  The whole episode is about this theory of his.  I included the second video if you are interested and haven't seen Becker yet.  Seriously the best comedy ever.

Anyway, for ages now, all these wonderful things have been happening to me and I've been so incredibly lucky.  Met the love of my life.  Moved to Sydney.  Got a job straight away.  Moved in with the love of my life. Love of my life keeps getting better and better.  Life just gets better and better.  I've been waiting for the "thwack" and, by and large it hit me hard when it eventually snapped.

My grandfather, the one who helped raise me from when I was 4 months old, was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of liver, kidney and lung cancer and was told he had about 3 months to live.  I very promptly booked a flight back to Queensland to see him a couple of weeks after the news, and only a few weeks following that, he passed away.  Two Fridays ago.  He was a good man who I had and still have a lot of respect for, and I'll write about him in my next blog.

Following the loss of my twins a couple of years ago, I did some reading about the stages of Grief.  Basically, according to psychologists, there are five (or sometimes up to 7, depending on which model you're following) stages of grief a person will go through, not necessarily in any particular order.  I think that having this knowledge has helped me in dealing with my grief.  I've switched between the denial phase (this isn't really happening, he was alive last time I saw him, he's not really dead), and the anger phase (this isn't fair, why *my* pop?, he's not mean to die yet, there are so many things I want him to be here to see, I'm angry at a god I'm not even sure I believe in).  Before he passed away, I went through the bargaining phase (I know he's going to die, but please can he just wait until I've finished my degree, gotten married and had kids of my own?).  In being able to pinpoint what I'm feeling and know that it is normal, this has certainly helped me to be strong for my mum and my grandmother.


My Sydney Boy has been fabulous as well at supporting me.  He came with me to the funeral and although he had to come home the night after the funeral while I stayed on for another day to see friends, I got home to fresh flowers to cheer me up.  I could not ask for a better man to support me.


Yes, that "thwack" was a mighty thwack and I still have a big bruise from where it hit.  But I'll hang in here knowing that I'll reach the "acceptance" phase eventually.

The Eastern Coastal Walk

The weekend before last, we caught the ferry to the city and then went to the famous Bondi Beach.  The plan was to walk from Bondi Beach to Bronte, but when we got to Bronte, the views were just too spectacular, and there was still plenty of day left, so we continued to walk until we got to Coogee just on sunset where we had dinner at the Five O's (http://fiveoscoogee.com.au/v1/) which has amazingly great meals for a really cheap price, and you can sit outside on the balcony and see beach...!

I thought I'd share some pics:

Although there were lots of stairs to climb, the view was just amazing and was definitely worth it, all 6km of it! On the walk, we passed the Waverley Cemetary which you can see in one of the pics above.  I was certainly taken by it - I just love the idea of having the graves overlooking the ocean as it really seems very symbolic doesn't it? Since we got back, I've found out that this is a really old cemetary, with the first internment taking place as far back as 1877 and even has a few famous people buried here: Henry Lawson, John Sands, William Dymock to name a few.  I really hope that at some point in the future no one digs up these graves to make way for apartments on what is sure to be million dollar views.

Anyway, if you're ever in Sydney (or live here), and haven't done the walk, it really is a must do!  Here's a link with info: http://www.waverley.nsw.gov.au/things_to_do/beaches_and_the_coast/bondi_to_bronte_coastwalk

I am the luckiest

If you had told me 6 months ago that I would be where I am today, as happy as I am today, I'd probably have laughed in your face.  If you had told me 6 months ago that I would meet someone as wonderful as my Sydney Boy who would keep me more than satisfied and completely happy after 3 months with not one complaint, I'd have told you that you were dreaming.  And yet here I am, living with the man of my dreams, who has exceeded all of my expectations, who makes me happier than I could have dreamed of, who I do not have a single real complaint about.  Maybe it is me who is dreaming.

I really do feel as though I'm the luckiest girl in the world.  I'm sure that most girls feel that way about their partners and really, thats the way it should be right?

Last week, my Sydney Boy gave me the most gorgeous necklace.  Its a heart with a photo of us embossed on one side, and "Friends 4 Life" engraved on the other.  Its perhaps the most thoughtful gift I've ever been given.  I absolutely LOVE it.  When I wear it, I feel like I'm closer to him when we're apart.  I don't want to take it off.

We had so much fun on the weekend - his mate came over for dinner on Saturday night and I cooked chicken nachos and a Chocolate and Caramel Self Saucing Pudding for dessert. It was a good night - I'm glad that his mate and I get along so well.

I can hardly believe how domesticated I've become.  For a girl who would quite often have 2 min noodles for dinner, if I even ate at all, I'm now making all sorts of dishes and funnily enough I actually enjoy cooking for my Sydney Boy.  He's a bit on the fussy side when it comes to eating preferences, but what I like is that he'll give the dish a try.  I love that he trusts me enough to at least try it.  That's important.

On Sunday, we went to Bicentennial Park with the same mate from the night before where we tried to fly a kite (which sadly, failed... we'll definitely have to go again with another kite until we can fly the damn thing!!!).  It was a fun morning/arvo which was topped off by having some lunch before going to see the netball semifinals at the Acer Arena.  My Sydney Boy surprised me with the tickets on Friday night.  The only possible way the weekend could get any better happened when my Sydney Boy cooked a roast dinner on Sunday night for me. 

I miss my Sydney Boy already this week.  He's on night shift so I really only get to snuggle with him when he gets home from work at 5.30am but I have to get up an hour later.  Talking on the phone while he's working just isn't the same and it makes me feel so frustrated - it makes me miss him so much more.  I can't wait until Friday - he has a whole 6 days off so I'll have him for the entire weekend, AND half of the week next week I'll get to come home to him.  He tells me he's been looking up things he can cook for me - I love that he wants to do that for me - just one more reason why I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.


The last two years have been tough, certainly the toughest of my short life so far.  I'm so glad that I had the determination to power on, and not let it all get me down, to learn what I could from it, and, most importantly, believe that life would get better.  Perhaps if I hadn't had that belief and determination my life would be far more gloomy today.

A friend posted this quote on her Facebook status the other day which I think sums up what I guess that I'm trying to say "

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

My Sydney Boy is my reward, and what a wonderful reward it is - and I'm lapping up every single last ounce of it.

In the words of Ben Folds Five, "I am the luckiest"

A new approach

I've been doing some self reflection lately, and its been the topic of some of our nightly discussions as we learn to live with each other.  What I find interesting is how differently I have approached and am approaching this relationship, to the way I have been in other relationships in the past.

My Sydney Boy and I were watching the reality TV show, "Tough Love" the other night, and it occured to me how laid back I am with him, compared to those women, and to my past self.  Watching this show, I realised how much I trust him, and how secure I feel being in this relationship.  I have never had to question his feelings for me (except when I'm PMS-ing, but that doesnt count lol) and I have never felt the need to 'investigate' him in the way I've seen other girls 'investigate' their boyfriends from time to time.  Every day when he wakes up, I see the smile on his face when he first sees me.  Every day when he or I get home from work, I see the smile on his face when he sees me.  I feel it in his kisses, in his hugs, and in his 'loving'.  I see it when he washes the dishes for me, or when he does things around the house.  Take, for instance today, he saw that the washing basket was full, and knowing that I am going away tomorrow for the weekend, he went and washed the clothes so that I would have clean clothes to take with me.  I even see it when he tries foods that I suggest or cook that he usually wouldn't eat.  He may not always say it, but his actions speak very loudly about how he feels about me, and this makes me feel very secure in our relationship.

Of course, there's always that nagging doubt in the back of my head, that girl who has been hurt far too many times than she cares to remember, the one who was often told (either verbally or by action or inaction) that she wasn't good enough.  She's scared that one day he will wake up and wonder what he is doing with her, or what he sees in her, or realise that the feelings he had for her are no longer there.  Luckily that girl is silenced pretty easily by my more rational self and only really ever comes out in times of high stress (ie exams + little sleep + sick grandfather) and hormones - I cried reading the news yesterday for heavens sake!!!!  I think most of us women have these same fears in the back of their heads, but I'd like to think that there comes a time when those fears just disappear.

The other thing I've noticed, is that I'm much more laid back when it comes to things around the house. 

Example 1: The other night, my Sydney Boy made Meatloaf and steamed veges, that was waiting for me when I got home from work.  I found out that my Sydney Boy didn't make it from scratch.  In fact, he bought it from the butcher, so effectively, all he had to do was put it in the oven, and then put the veges in the microwave.  In the past, I'd have been less than impressed.  I may have considered it a little lazy.  Not this time though.  This time, I don't even CARE how it was cooked, whether he made it from scratch or not.  It doesn't matter.  What matters to me is that he cooked something, anything.  What matters to me is that I didn't have to come home after working all day and deal with making dinner.  What matters to me is that it wasn't fast food, or deep fried - it was healthy.  What matters to me is that it was ready when I got home.  What matters to me is that he was thoughtful enough to consider how I felt and try and make my life better for me.  That makes me want to make life better for him.  In fact, it seems that the more he does for me, the more I want to do for him, and in turn the more he wants to do for me.  That is a cycle that I do not want to break, although I know its only early days and the novelty is yet to wear off.

Example 2: My Sydney Boy likes doing the washing up one way, I like doing it another.  Once upon a time, I'd have nagged him to do it my way (and in turn caused ill feeling toward me, and frustration for me when he did it his own way anyway, and made me into a nagging girlfriend).  Now, I don't care how he does the darn job, I'm just happy he does it at all!!!!!!!!

Of course, this is all in the context of the "Honeymoon Period" so perhaps my thoughts right now should be taken lightly until proven to be sustainable over a long period of time, however I just feel like I have so much more perspective than in other past relationships.  I think this is probably a combination of learning from past mistakes (by learning to be able to better identify what is important vs what is not), and the difference in the relationship itself.

All of this said, I'm at a loss about how any other girl could possibly have let this man go.  I just don't understand it.  He has never given me any reason to doubt him, has always made me feel loved, desired and wanted, he tells me that I look good (and is ever so sincere when he says it), gives me lots of cuddles and kisses (without me having to ask for it!), gives me affection that isn't only aimed at getting laid, is thoughtful, cooks for me, cleans up when I'm at work and he isn't, he's funny, sincere, down to earth, is always looking for things we can do together, includes me in things that involve his mates, and gives me everything I could ever want from a man.  No matter what he wears, he always looks so damn sexy and he just looks so darned cute when he sleeps - it just makes me want to kiss him over and over again every time I look at my sleeping Sydney Boy.  He just melts my heart....

...  And...

... he has a cute man bum [blush].

How the hell did I become so lucky?!?!  And what did I ever do to deserve all of this?!

Sydney - a whole month's reflection

Wow how my first month in Sydney has just flown. It spins me out when I think just how dramatically my life has changed in just a short space of time, and for the better I might add.

A month into my job, and I've got my own workload that I'm allowed to manage on my own which I prefer - I hate having to rely on others to provide me with work.  They seem really happy with me there but of course there's gotta be work there for me to do post 31 July or I won't have a job there no matter how much they like me and want to keep me.  I'll have a chat toward the end of this month to see whether its likely they'll extend me or not.  I'll keep in touch with my temping agency to ensure that hopefully there'll be no gaps in employment.  I guess I kind of thought that once I got through all of the immediate risks when I arrived (ie finding a job ASAP and finding a place to live) that would be the end of the risks.  What I didn't factor in was that I'll have to keep managing the risk of temping as best as I can.  One of the temps at work had a gap of six weeks before this job, and the other had a gap of a week so of course the thought that I could be out of work for 6 weeks without an income bothers me quite significantly.  Sure I could probably afford a week but after that I'd be royally screwed.  I'm going to start looking for permanent work to at least give me some job security on that front.  I can always resign if and when we (meaning the Sydney Boy and I) go back to Queensland.

Which, I guess, brings me to the most important and exciting part of my story... my Sydney Boy.  He really is such a joy and brings such happiness to my life, more than I had thought possible.  And... I have a confession to make...

We moved in together.  Come on, as if you DIDN'T see that coming...

We found a cute little studio apartment which is in a suburb that seemed to be a great compromise for us both: its close to a major transport hub for me to get to and from work, and its also close enough for him to travel to and from his work too.  We're a block away from the shopping centre and train station so its really convenient for me without a car down here (and no intention of driving down here, despite my Sydney Boy's insistence!).  I really do love it here.  Of course its not a castle, but I hope that with a few touches I have made it our own.  We've been here two weeks now and I still have a few things left to do to 'make it ours' but we've now got photos on the fridge, flowers by the bed, and even a colour theme (black, red and purple).  Its starting to really feel like home, at least to me, and I hope to my Sydney Boy too.

I love the rituals and routines that have started to form... I love waking up beside my Sydney Boy every morning, I like the feeling of the newness of waking up together, I love having my morning coffee and my breakky on these crisp mornings (although I suspect I'll begin to like it less so as winter approaches), I love the kiss goodbye before I go to work, and of course I love the compliments when I look particularly good in the morning before I go to work.  I love getting home to discover that the washing up has been done and the clothes have been washed.  On the nights when my Sydney Boy has had the day off, I love walking in the door to a warm apartment because my Sydney Boy has put the heating on for me, and smelling a delicious dinner cooked by him waiting just for me.  And on the nights that I get home before my Sydney Boy, I like cooking dinner for him, and I love the fact that he's eaten things for me that he wouldnt ordinarily have eaten... and enjoyed it.  Its so much better to cook for someone else than to cook for myself thats for sure.  I love that when he gets home from working nightshift in the wee hours of the morning, that he wearily gets in, takes his work clothes off and snuggles up to me in bed, where I'm all warm. 

But, most of all, I enjoy our night time ritual or routine that seems to have come about for no other reason than our shower is a bit tempermental.  When I say tempermental, I mean it seems to remember only two temperatures: scalding hot or ice ice cold.  If you're lucky sometimes you can get it to stay on the cold side of lukewarm for long enough to sud yourself off, but quite often it'll turn scalding hot or ice ice cold without any warning.  So, we started taking a bath... together.  Its so completely relaxing at the end of the day to just get in the tub, and lie back with my head on my Sydney Boy's chest and chat about our day, or whatever else we want to talk about.  Sometimes I even get some kisses on my forehead - what girl doesnt enjoy those?!?!

We've been pretty busy these past couple of weeks setting up house together, and I've had exams which hasn't helped.  My Sydney Boy's work schedule has been a bit topsy turvey this week too, so I other than the couple of hours I got with my Sydney Boy last night, I haven't really seen him properly since Monday, and unfortunately won't get much of a chance to do so now until next Monday night. 

Although I do enjoy the time to myself here just pottering about, reading my book, watching tv, etc, after an hour or two, I begin to miss my Sydney Boy as I realise how empty this apartment is without him.  I have no idea how I lived in a three bedroom house before on my own when now our tiny studio apartment feels so empty on nights like these!

Life is just... wonderful and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My first week

I can't believe its Wednesday already.  The week is going so quickly, which is just as well because I can't wait to see my Sydney Boy on Friday night.

I think I'm going to like the new job, even though when I showed up on Monday, no one seemed to know who I was meant to be reporting to, or what work I'd be carrying out.  Luckily they worked it out yesterday when my supervisor was in the office, and so she explained what it is that I'll be doing.  Its very different to what the temp agency told me that I'd be doing, but to be honest, its much more what I'd prefer to do anyway.  There were two of us who started on Monday, but the other girl is less than impressed with the change and I suspect she'll be gone within a week or two.  Selfishly, I don't mind because I figure that if I stay, there'll be less competition if they could only keep one out of the two of us on at the end of the contract...

Because they were so unprepared for my arrival, there was very very little to be done yesterday so I ended up getting an early mark at 1.30pm yesterday.  So, what does a Belladonna do when she unexpectedly gets an afternoon off work? She catches the very next train to surprise her Sydney Boy of course!

My Sydney Boy has worked night shift this week, so I knew that he'd be asleep when I got there.  I had planned to get to his house, undress, and climb into bed with him.  All the way there, I made little bets with myself about how far I could get before he'd wake up, and wondered what he might do when he woke up at each stage of my plan - ie if I can get undressed I'll climb into bed.  If he is still asleep, I'll kiss him on the cheek.  If he is still asleep after this, I'll try and be a little more... er... persuasive in waking him up ;) ... if you catch my drift of course... ;)

So, I caught the next train, and walked 30 to 40 minutes in the pouring rain to his house.  By the time I got to his house, my long pants were wet up to my knees, and my left side from where the umbrella didn't quite reach was wet too.  His house mate let me inside, and I managed to get as far as putting my handbag down, and getting my shoes and jumper off before he woke up.  I was so sure that I'd at least get into his bed before he woke up as I was very very quiet.

I hope I never forget the look on his face yesterday.  At first he had this look of shock and confusion on his face. I explained why I wasn't at work, and he welcomed me into his bed with the biggest smile I think I've ever seen from him yet - it was like he was a little kid at Christmas.  I finished taking my wet clothes off, and joined him in bed where I got lots of kisses and cuddles.  I knew that he had to get his sleep because he had to work nightshift again last night, so I told him to get some sleep.  I didn't go there expecting to get his attention - to be honest, I really just wanted to curl up in his arms and relax with him.  I kept stealing glances at him, and every time I did, he just had the cutest grin on his face.  It was truly adorable, and my heart just melted to see it.  My heart is melting just thinking about it all again now. 

It was so very worth the walk in the wet weather just for those smiles.  After we had a quick bite to eat, he dropped me at the train station to come back to my friend's house.  He later sent me a text message to say that I had "more than made [his] day".  Little does he realise that going to see him had actually more than made my day too. 

And now there are only 2 more sleeps until I can see him again.  I love living in Sydney.  I love being so close to my Sydney Boy.  Right here, right now, in this very moment, my heart is so content... moving to be closer to him was the best thing that I have ever done.  The only thing that could possibly make me even happier right now, is going to sleep in his arms every night, and waking up in his arms every morning.

I truly do adore my Sydney Boy from the very bottom of my heart.  Who would've thought that something so extraordinary could happen to an ordinary girl like me?

How quickly the first week has flown already!

On Wednesday night, I got my very first radio love song dedication from my Sydney Boy.  It was so very cute!  Isn't he adorable?!

On Thursday, I went in for my interview with the temp agency that went really well.  At the interview, I was offered a 6 week role at a federal govt agency starting tomorrow! As it turns out, she'd literally gotten off the phone to them directly before my interview so it worked out perfectly.  At this stage it is a 6 week thing, but with the possibility of extension.  She gave me a bit of the low down about the area I'll be working in, and the supervisor I'll be working for so that will help me quite substantially I think.  She also said that out of all the govt agencies down here, this one pays the most money and that they will be needing more temps as the year goes on.  I'm hoping that I can get an extension and just remain working for them if its such good pay and working conditions.  I'll be happy with whatever comes though.

My Sydney Boy and I looked at a couple of studio apartments on Saturday so hopefully in the next few weeks I will have a place to call my own - this living out of a suitcase business is really doing my head in...  There are still things he needs to sort out with where he is living now, and I need to somehow manage to scrape up enough proof of ID yet to apply, but we'll see how we go I guess.  I know that some might think that its too soon, and you may very well be right in thinking that but I have a good feeling about this.  The trouble is that with his work schedule and mine, even though I'm closer than I was in Queensland, we will be seeing very little of each other otherwise.  Take, for example, this week.  We had Friday night from 11pm until this afternoon at approx 2pm together, and we won't be seeing each other now until next Friday night.  This is what most weeks will look like. 

And you know, I love going to sleep beside him at night, and waking up beside him in the morning.  I love the way our bodies 'fit' together, and how through the night, no matter when I wake up, we always just seem to be holding each other, no matter how many times we change sleeping positions throughout the night.  I love how he looks when he just wakes up, and how he smiles when he sees me for the first time in the morning.  I love how he looks at me in the eyes when he kisses me.  I love the look he has in his eyes when he does this.  I realise that the novelty of having this every morning and every night may very well wear off, but I'm willing to take the risk.  I just miss him so very much when he's not here.

Last week, my Sydney Boy told me that we were going out to dinner on Saturday night, and then he had some 'entertainment' planned afterwards.  He wouldn't give me clues about what this entertainment was, and all I got out of him on Saturday over dinner was that it was at Penrith, involved entertainment, that it would be a couple of hours, and that he wasnt sure if we were allowed to take photos as the venue may not allow it.  You can imagine my surprise then, when we arrived at the venue to discover that it was the circus he was taking me to!  Very awesome surprise and an awesome night.  How did I ever manage to snag such a wonderful man and how have other women passed this wonderful man up? I, for one, do not plan on letting him go ;)

I've been enjoying the cold weather for the most part: I've enjoyed pulling out the scarf and beanie - something that I don't really get to do at this time of year in Brisbane (and even in the middle of winter sometimes a scarf just feels too hot!).  I'm still acclimatising myself to the cold though as I was definitely unprepared for the cold wind down here in the past week!  I had prepared myself for the cold temperature but not winds!  I've warn a scarf every single day since I've been down here.  Last night just to go to the circus, I wore a long sleeve shirt (thin), a vest, two jumpers, a scarf and a beanie.  Next weekend my Sydney Boy is taking me to my first ever football match so that sure will be the next real test of my endurance when it comes to the cold weather!

Anyway, I have to be up at 6am tomorrow morning so I'd best get a good night's sleep.  I'll write again some time through the week.  I hope that this week flies just like the last one so it won't be that long until I'll be in my Sydney Boy's arms again to get all the kisses and cuddles and 'lovin' I can...

Hello from Sydney

Tonight I'm writing to you from my new home: Sydney.

I'd like to be able to say that my last day in Brisbane was awesome but unfortunately it wasnt.  I woke up at 3am, 5am and 7am feeling very unwell and ended up vomiting each time.  Needless to say a trip to the doctor was in order to be able to get on my 2pm flight.  The doctor sent me to the nurse who gave me a needle in my arm to stop the vomiting, which ironically made me vomit again (which is no surprise as needles usually have this effect on me!) and has now also given me a sore left arm.  I was lucky that I got an awesome nurse who apologised (as if somehow he was deliberately doing something to hurt me for no reason lol) and rubbed my  back as I was vomiting.  It seemed kind of comforting.  The rest of the day was a bit of blur feeling like shit and very disorientated.  I got a half hour nap in before going to the airport to catch the plane.

The flight was the most uncomfortable flight ever, and certainly felt like forever.  I just kept my eyes closed as much as possible and ended up napping in ten to fifteen minute blocks for the duration of the flight.  My Sydney Boy picked me up from the airport and brought me home, giving me plenty of TLC to assist in my recovery.  He made me rice and veges for dinner following doctors orders of a healthy diet for the next couple of days. As a result of the lack of sleep, and tthe side effects of the needle and nausea tabs I was very tired so it was an early night for the both of us.

I woke up this morning with a massive headache and a sore chest.  My stomach doesnt feel nearly as bad as yesterday and I can actually form coherent thoughts so I'm happy about that.  Nurofen is my friend at the moment to ward away the headache.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the temp agency for an interview.  Hopefully they'll get me something relatively quickly (although I won't be stressing if I get a week off between now and getting me work!).  After tomorrow, who knows really what the future holds for me.  All I know is that I'm glad that I'm finally here, and enjoying all the affection I'm getting from my Sydney Boy.

What is a mother?

Today was mother's day.  This would have been my second mother's day, and although it was once just another day for me that didn't mean much to me, it now serves as a reminder of all the things I missed out on.  No one recognises me as a mother, except for those who have also lost a child/children.  In fact, someone told me today that I'm not a mother.  Since I lost the twins, I've aways considered that I am, indeed a mother.  So, what exactly is a mother?

Is it someone who simply gives birth to a screaming crying baby?  Is it someone who changes the nappies of a baby, who acts in the role of a guardian to that child? Is it someone who is there to tuck the child in to sleep at night, and get them ready for school in the morning?  Is it someone who is there to watch the child grow and provide guidance to him or her as they approach new situations and tasks? Who is there to put food on the table, and wash clothes, take the children to soccer/ballet/dancing/footy/music classes etc etc etc?

Well, the answer is yes to all of those questions.  But what about the woman who gives birth to a baby who never gets the chance to scream or cry?  And what about the woman whose child (regardless of age) is taken from them too early, or the woman who never even got past the point at which mainstream society would consider a baby, an actual baby.  As there is much debate on when a baby is considered to be an actual baby, perhaps an easier question is... at what point does a woman become a mother?

According to the Free Online Dictionary, a mother can mean:

a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.

b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.

c. A woman who adopts a child.

d. A woman who raises a child.

 

Well, I certainly was pregnant - I have the ultrasound photos to prove it... this means that a child (or in my case, children) was conceived.  The remains of which are buried under a tree at my parents house.  So in actual fact, if this definition is true, then I am in fact a mother, just not in the traditional sense.  

 

If things had been different, my twins would be 18 months now.  Sure, I didn't have dirty nappies to change, and my life would most certainly be far different now if they were here.  I certainly don't think for a minute that I deserve to be spoilt like all the other mothers on mothers day.  In some ways, I haven't done the hard yards - I haven't changed dirty nappies, suffered from sleep deprivation, nor had to go without for the sake of my children.  Yet, in other ways, I've done harder yards than many would care or want to imagine.  

 

I don't ask for, or expect to be spoilt.  All I expect is acknowledgment.  Acknowledgment of what I had and what I have lost... acknowledgment of how things almost were, acknowledgment of the pain that still exists.  I bet if my babies had died after birth, be it straight after or 20 years after, no one would dare say that I was not a mother... so how is this different? At least one of my babies had a heartbeat.  I saw it beating on the screen... 162 beats per minute in fact... my baby's heart stopped beating, just like anyone else's child's heart that stopped beating.  All grief is different, and we all have different circumstances and I would never say that my grief is worse than someone else's.  The difference is that I don't have the photos to look at except for my ultrasounds, and I don't have memories to look back on, except for those few joyful moments in my pregnancy.

 

A very dear friend of mine posted a link on facebook today to a really interesting article on the origin of Mothers Day.  The link is here.  In particular, it stated, 

"It was amazing to me how grief and death work so hard to erase mothers like me.  All the other moms are getting flowers at some public or religious event, but the childless moms are ignored.  The physically present children are celebrated while everyone desperately tries to avoid eye contact with the bereaved mothers for fear they might want their children’s names said, too.  Grief is treated as pathological instead of as a normal response to overwhelming loss."

 

and.. "the writing of Julia Ward Howe, first published in 1870 as a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War. This was a protest led by women whose sons had died! Bereaved mothers started this tradition of Mothers Day! In the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!!"...

 

and... "Mothers Day came as an answer to Julia’s proclamation. It started as a ceremony of bereavement and then as a movement for peace and action to stop the senseless deaths of children everywhere. Our society can commercialize all they want. Because in my heart of hearts I know the real meaning of this day came from pain, loss, and grief — the same things I am prone to feel on any given Mothers Day. And from now on, when people urge me to celebrate the day, I tell them this:  I’ll celebrate with you if you will first mourn with me. It is the combination of the two that lends itself to the true meaning of Mothers Day!"

 

I am grieving, I feel pain, I have suffered a loss and I feel these feelings on Mothers Day.  I'm so glad that I read this article.  I know that the person who told me that I wasn't a mother didn't intend to be harsh, upset me or cause offense - how could they possibly know or understand how this feels? I certainly never did before the 5 June 2008 either, and I honestly hope that they never truly find out.  

 

In this case, ignorance truly is bliss...

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there, whether your children live with you on Earth, or not.

xo

Its not a love song but...

I was listening to my iPod on my way home today and this song came on...

I like the way - Deni Hines



Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way

i know i'll never find a man like you
who can make me feel the way you do
only thing thats on my mind
is makin love to you
so don't be scared, take my hand
and lets get started

let me rub you down
while theres no one else around
place you on the floor
cause i cant take no more
i wanna here that sound of two lovers getting down
and i want your lovin
cause i like the way you move

now that i found u boy
you got me holdding so strong
and i put my trust in you
so please stay (baby)
cause i like the way

when im looking in your eyes
i wanna taste your lips
wanna hold you next to me
and feel the softness of your skin
nows the time to let you know
whats going on inside
so dont be scared, take my hand and lets get started

Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way

let me rub you down
while theres no one else around
place you on the floor
cause i cant take no more
i wanna here that sound of two lovers getting down
and i want your lovin
cause i like the way you love

Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way

till the break of dawn
we can get it on
aint nothing wrong
with sexin all night long
do you wanna go deep
in between the sheets
........ you got me all wet
the taste of me you wont forget
do you wanna go deep
in between the sheets
you got me all wet
and i like the way

Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way