Tying off loose threads

I suppose you may be wondering what happened to both Gruen and the X Factor so I may as well fill you in.

I haven't spoken to Gruen since I got back from Sydney.  I don't even care about him anymore.  If I hear from him I won't be replying.  He's really not worth my time.  I haven't heard from the Muso either, although I did see him online briefly tonight when I was talking to my Sydney Boy.  He didnt say hi, and I was busy with my Sydney Boy so I didnt say hi either.  I'm kind of relieved because for a while there, the way he was talking he was gearing up for something more, which I clearly didn't want.

I told the X Factor about my Sydney Boy this week too.  I had organised to meet up with him so I could tell him face to face, but of course I began to wonder how exactly I was going to handle the situation.  I mean, first of all he'd expect a pash when he first rocks up - how would I manage to get around that?! Second of all, he usually comes over to my house and stays the night - its not fair to expect him to drive 55 minutes to see me without knowing he wouldnt be staying the night. 

I also felt pretty shitty telling X Factor by text message given his frail mental state - in these situations, I always like to think "how would I like to be treated in this situation?" and do that and I certainly wouldn't want to be told by text message.  And I certainly don't want to have it on my conscience if he were to do anything stupid as a result of something I've said or done.  So, I was in a bit of a catch 22.

I discussed the situation with my Sydney Boy (there are no secrets between us), who had the good sense to suggest that I send the X Factor a text message letting him know he wouldnt be able to stay over this time.  Unfortunately however, this led to him asking why, and then if I'd met someone else.  I couldn't lie. 

He hasn't taken it very well.  He didnt reply to my text messages checking on him yesterday and when I phoned him to check he was OK he was rude to me and I could tell by his voice that he was upset.  I left it, despite feeling so bad knowing that its my fault he is feeling this way.  I know I've done everything I can possibly do to do the right thing by him.  I didn't lead him on, I didn't lie to him, I didn't just drop off the face of the planet, and I wasn't rude to him.

He sent me a text today apologising for his behaviour last night, saying that he was just disappointed and pissed off.  I respect that he at least apologised.  This shows he has grown as a person from when I first met him.  He asked if we could at least have something casual.  I of course had to clarify that I was actually now in a relationship with this guy I met, and therefore we could never be anything more than just mates.  He hasnt replied to that message so I'm guessing that he's upset again.

I feel awful that I've hurt him this much - I'm not "that girl", the one that goes around hurting other people, the last thing I've ever wanted to do is hurt anyone, least of all someone who I know suffers from a mental illness... but I can't help it if the heart wants what it wants, and the heart wants my Sydney Boy... hands down... and I wouldnt want to jeopardise what we have for all the money in the world.