I can't believe its Wednesday already. The week is going so quickly, which is just as well because I can't wait to see my Sydney Boy on Friday night.
I think I'm going to like the new job, even though when I showed up on Monday, no one seemed to know who I was meant to be reporting to, or what work I'd be carrying out. Luckily they worked it out yesterday when my supervisor was in the office, and so she explained what it is that I'll be doing. Its very different to what the temp agency told me that I'd be doing, but to be honest, its much more what I'd prefer to do anyway. There were two of us who started on Monday, but the other girl is less than impressed with the change and I suspect she'll be gone within a week or two. Selfishly, I don't mind because I figure that if I stay, there'll be less competition if they could only keep one out of the two of us on at the end of the contract...
Because they were so unprepared for my arrival, there was very very little to be done yesterday so I ended up getting an early mark at 1.30pm yesterday. So, what does a Belladonna do when she unexpectedly gets an afternoon off work? She catches the very next train to surprise her Sydney Boy of course!
My Sydney Boy has worked night shift this week, so I knew that he'd be asleep when I got there. I had planned to get to his house, undress, and climb into bed with him. All the way there, I made little bets with myself about how far I could get before he'd wake up, and wondered what he might do when he woke up at each stage of my plan - ie if I can get undressed I'll climb into bed. If he is still asleep, I'll kiss him on the cheek. If he is still asleep after this, I'll try and be a little more... er... persuasive in waking him up ;) ... if you catch my drift of course... ;)
So, I caught the next train, and walked 30 to 40 minutes in the pouring rain to his house. By the time I got to his house, my long pants were wet up to my knees, and my left side from where the umbrella didn't quite reach was wet too. His house mate let me inside, and I managed to get as far as putting my handbag down, and getting my shoes and jumper off before he woke up. I was so sure that I'd at least get into his bed before he woke up as I was very very quiet.
I hope I never forget the look on his face yesterday. At first he had this look of shock and confusion on his face. I explained why I wasn't at work, and he welcomed me into his bed with the biggest smile I think I've ever seen from him yet - it was like he was a little kid at Christmas. I finished taking my wet clothes off, and joined him in bed where I got lots of kisses and cuddles. I knew that he had to get his sleep because he had to work nightshift again last night, so I told him to get some sleep. I didn't go there expecting to get his attention - to be honest, I really just wanted to curl up in his arms and relax with him. I kept stealing glances at him, and every time I did, he just had the cutest grin on his face. It was truly adorable, and my heart just melted to see it. My heart is melting just thinking about it all again now.
It was so very worth the walk in the wet weather just for those smiles. After we had a quick bite to eat, he dropped me at the train station to come back to my friend's house. He later sent me a text message to say that I had "more than made [his] day". Little does he realise that going to see him had actually more than made my day too.
And now there are only 2 more sleeps until I can see him again. I love living in Sydney. I love being so close to my Sydney Boy. Right here, right now, in this very moment, my heart is so content... moving to be closer to him was the best thing that I have ever done. The only thing that could possibly make me even happier right now, is going to sleep in his arms every night, and waking up in his arms every morning.
I truly do adore my Sydney Boy from the very bottom of my heart. Who would've thought that something so extraordinary could happen to an ordinary girl like me?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
How quickly the first week has flown already!
On Wednesday night, I got my very first radio love song dedication from my Sydney Boy. It was so very cute! Isn't he adorable?!
On Thursday, I went in for my interview with the temp agency that went really well. At the interview, I was offered a 6 week role at a federal govt agency starting tomorrow! As it turns out, she'd literally gotten off the phone to them directly before my interview so it worked out perfectly. At this stage it is a 6 week thing, but with the possibility of extension. She gave me a bit of the low down about the area I'll be working in, and the supervisor I'll be working for so that will help me quite substantially I think. She also said that out of all the govt agencies down here, this one pays the most money and that they will be needing more temps as the year goes on. I'm hoping that I can get an extension and just remain working for them if its such good pay and working conditions. I'll be happy with whatever comes though.
My Sydney Boy and I looked at a couple of studio apartments on Saturday so hopefully in the next few weeks I will have a place to call my own - this living out of a suitcase business is really doing my head in... There are still things he needs to sort out with where he is living now, and I need to somehow manage to scrape up enough proof of ID yet to apply, but we'll see how we go I guess. I know that some might think that its too soon, and you may very well be right in thinking that but I have a good feeling about this. The trouble is that with his work schedule and mine, even though I'm closer than I was in Queensland, we will be seeing very little of each other otherwise. Take, for example, this week. We had Friday night from 11pm until this afternoon at approx 2pm together, and we won't be seeing each other now until next Friday night. This is what most weeks will look like.
And you know, I love going to sleep beside him at night, and waking up beside him in the morning. I love the way our bodies 'fit' together, and how through the night, no matter when I wake up, we always just seem to be holding each other, no matter how many times we change sleeping positions throughout the night. I love how he looks when he just wakes up, and how he smiles when he sees me for the first time in the morning. I love how he looks at me in the eyes when he kisses me. I love the look he has in his eyes when he does this. I realise that the novelty of having this every morning and every night may very well wear off, but I'm willing to take the risk. I just miss him so very much when he's not here.
Last week, my Sydney Boy told me that we were going out to dinner on Saturday night, and then he had some 'entertainment' planned afterwards. He wouldn't give me clues about what this entertainment was, and all I got out of him on Saturday over dinner was that it was at Penrith, involved entertainment, that it would be a couple of hours, and that he wasnt sure if we were allowed to take photos as the venue may not allow it. You can imagine my surprise then, when we arrived at the venue to discover that it was the circus he was taking me to! Very awesome surprise and an awesome night. How did I ever manage to snag such a wonderful man and how have other women passed this wonderful man up? I, for one, do not plan on letting him go ;)
I've been enjoying the cold weather for the most part: I've enjoyed pulling out the scarf and beanie - something that I don't really get to do at this time of year in Brisbane (and even in the middle of winter sometimes a scarf just feels too hot!). I'm still acclimatising myself to the cold though as I was definitely unprepared for the cold wind down here in the past week! I had prepared myself for the cold temperature but not winds! I've warn a scarf every single day since I've been down here. Last night just to go to the circus, I wore a long sleeve shirt (thin), a vest, two jumpers, a scarf and a beanie. Next weekend my Sydney Boy is taking me to my first ever football match so that sure will be the next real test of my endurance when it comes to the cold weather!
Anyway, I have to be up at 6am tomorrow morning so I'd best get a good night's sleep. I'll write again some time through the week. I hope that this week flies just like the last one so it won't be that long until I'll be in my Sydney Boy's arms again to get all the kisses and cuddles and 'lovin' I can...
On Thursday, I went in for my interview with the temp agency that went really well. At the interview, I was offered a 6 week role at a federal govt agency starting tomorrow! As it turns out, she'd literally gotten off the phone to them directly before my interview so it worked out perfectly. At this stage it is a 6 week thing, but with the possibility of extension. She gave me a bit of the low down about the area I'll be working in, and the supervisor I'll be working for so that will help me quite substantially I think. She also said that out of all the govt agencies down here, this one pays the most money and that they will be needing more temps as the year goes on. I'm hoping that I can get an extension and just remain working for them if its such good pay and working conditions. I'll be happy with whatever comes though.
My Sydney Boy and I looked at a couple of studio apartments on Saturday so hopefully in the next few weeks I will have a place to call my own - this living out of a suitcase business is really doing my head in... There are still things he needs to sort out with where he is living now, and I need to somehow manage to scrape up enough proof of ID yet to apply, but we'll see how we go I guess. I know that some might think that its too soon, and you may very well be right in thinking that but I have a good feeling about this. The trouble is that with his work schedule and mine, even though I'm closer than I was in Queensland, we will be seeing very little of each other otherwise. Take, for example, this week. We had Friday night from 11pm until this afternoon at approx 2pm together, and we won't be seeing each other now until next Friday night. This is what most weeks will look like.
And you know, I love going to sleep beside him at night, and waking up beside him in the morning. I love the way our bodies 'fit' together, and how through the night, no matter when I wake up, we always just seem to be holding each other, no matter how many times we change sleeping positions throughout the night. I love how he looks when he just wakes up, and how he smiles when he sees me for the first time in the morning. I love how he looks at me in the eyes when he kisses me. I love the look he has in his eyes when he does this. I realise that the novelty of having this every morning and every night may very well wear off, but I'm willing to take the risk. I just miss him so very much when he's not here.
Last week, my Sydney Boy told me that we were going out to dinner on Saturday night, and then he had some 'entertainment' planned afterwards. He wouldn't give me clues about what this entertainment was, and all I got out of him on Saturday over dinner was that it was at Penrith, involved entertainment, that it would be a couple of hours, and that he wasnt sure if we were allowed to take photos as the venue may not allow it. You can imagine my surprise then, when we arrived at the venue to discover that it was the circus he was taking me to! Very awesome surprise and an awesome night. How did I ever manage to snag such a wonderful man and how have other women passed this wonderful man up? I, for one, do not plan on letting him go ;)
I've been enjoying the cold weather for the most part: I've enjoyed pulling out the scarf and beanie - something that I don't really get to do at this time of year in Brisbane (and even in the middle of winter sometimes a scarf just feels too hot!). I'm still acclimatising myself to the cold though as I was definitely unprepared for the cold wind down here in the past week! I had prepared myself for the cold temperature but not winds! I've warn a scarf every single day since I've been down here. Last night just to go to the circus, I wore a long sleeve shirt (thin), a vest, two jumpers, a scarf and a beanie. Next weekend my Sydney Boy is taking me to my first ever football match so that sure will be the next real test of my endurance when it comes to the cold weather!
Anyway, I have to be up at 6am tomorrow morning so I'd best get a good night's sleep. I'll write again some time through the week. I hope that this week flies just like the last one so it won't be that long until I'll be in my Sydney Boy's arms again to get all the kisses and cuddles and 'lovin' I can...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Hello from Sydney
Tonight I'm writing to you from my new home: Sydney.
I'd like to be able to say that my last day in Brisbane was awesome but unfortunately it wasnt. I woke up at 3am, 5am and 7am feeling very unwell and ended up vomiting each time. Needless to say a trip to the doctor was in order to be able to get on my 2pm flight. The doctor sent me to the nurse who gave me a needle in my arm to stop the vomiting, which ironically made me vomit again (which is no surprise as needles usually have this effect on me!) and has now also given me a sore left arm. I was lucky that I got an awesome nurse who apologised (as if somehow he was deliberately doing something to hurt me for no reason lol) and rubbed my back as I was vomiting. It seemed kind of comforting. The rest of the day was a bit of blur feeling like shit and very disorientated. I got a half hour nap in before going to the airport to catch the plane.
The flight was the most uncomfortable flight ever, and certainly felt like forever. I just kept my eyes closed as much as possible and ended up napping in ten to fifteen minute blocks for the duration of the flight. My Sydney Boy picked me up from the airport and brought me home, giving me plenty of TLC to assist in my recovery. He made me rice and veges for dinner following doctors orders of a healthy diet for the next couple of days. As a result of the lack of sleep, and tthe side effects of the needle and nausea tabs I was very tired so it was an early night for the both of us.
I woke up this morning with a massive headache and a sore chest. My stomach doesnt feel nearly as bad as yesterday and I can actually form coherent thoughts so I'm happy about that. Nurofen is my friend at the moment to ward away the headache.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the temp agency for an interview. Hopefully they'll get me something relatively quickly (although I won't be stressing if I get a week off between now and getting me work!). After tomorrow, who knows really what the future holds for me. All I know is that I'm glad that I'm finally here, and enjoying all the affection I'm getting from my Sydney Boy.
I'd like to be able to say that my last day in Brisbane was awesome but unfortunately it wasnt. I woke up at 3am, 5am and 7am feeling very unwell and ended up vomiting each time. Needless to say a trip to the doctor was in order to be able to get on my 2pm flight. The doctor sent me to the nurse who gave me a needle in my arm to stop the vomiting, which ironically made me vomit again (which is no surprise as needles usually have this effect on me!) and has now also given me a sore left arm. I was lucky that I got an awesome nurse who apologised (as if somehow he was deliberately doing something to hurt me for no reason lol) and rubbed my back as I was vomiting. It seemed kind of comforting. The rest of the day was a bit of blur feeling like shit and very disorientated. I got a half hour nap in before going to the airport to catch the plane.
The flight was the most uncomfortable flight ever, and certainly felt like forever. I just kept my eyes closed as much as possible and ended up napping in ten to fifteen minute blocks for the duration of the flight. My Sydney Boy picked me up from the airport and brought me home, giving me plenty of TLC to assist in my recovery. He made me rice and veges for dinner following doctors orders of a healthy diet for the next couple of days. As a result of the lack of sleep, and tthe side effects of the needle and nausea tabs I was very tired so it was an early night for the both of us.
I woke up this morning with a massive headache and a sore chest. My stomach doesnt feel nearly as bad as yesterday and I can actually form coherent thoughts so I'm happy about that. Nurofen is my friend at the moment to ward away the headache.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the temp agency for an interview. Hopefully they'll get me something relatively quickly (although I won't be stressing if I get a week off between now and getting me work!). After tomorrow, who knows really what the future holds for me. All I know is that I'm glad that I'm finally here, and enjoying all the affection I'm getting from my Sydney Boy.
Monday, May 10, 2010
What is a mother?
Today was mother's day. This would have been my second mother's day, and although it was once just another day for me that didn't mean much to me, it now serves as a reminder of all the things I missed out on. No one recognises me as a mother, except for those who have also lost a child/children. In fact, someone told me today that I'm not a mother. Since I lost the twins, I've aways considered that I am, indeed a mother. So, what exactly is a mother?
Is it someone who simply gives birth to a screaming crying baby? Is it someone who changes the nappies of a baby, who acts in the role of a guardian to that child? Is it someone who is there to tuck the child in to sleep at night, and get them ready for school in the morning? Is it someone who is there to watch the child grow and provide guidance to him or her as they approach new situations and tasks? Who is there to put food on the table, and wash clothes, take the children to soccer/ballet/dancing/footy/music classes etc etc etc?
Well, the answer is yes to all of those questions. But what about the woman who gives birth to a baby who never gets the chance to scream or cry? And what about the woman whose child (regardless of age) is taken from them too early, or the woman who never even got past the point at which mainstream society would consider a baby, an actual baby. As there is much debate on when a baby is considered to be an actual baby, perhaps an easier question is... at what point does a woman become a mother?
According to the Free Online Dictionary, a mother can mean:
Is it someone who simply gives birth to a screaming crying baby? Is it someone who changes the nappies of a baby, who acts in the role of a guardian to that child? Is it someone who is there to tuck the child in to sleep at night, and get them ready for school in the morning? Is it someone who is there to watch the child grow and provide guidance to him or her as they approach new situations and tasks? Who is there to put food on the table, and wash clothes, take the children to soccer/ballet/dancing/footy/music classes etc etc etc?
Well, the answer is yes to all of those questions. But what about the woman who gives birth to a baby who never gets the chance to scream or cry? And what about the woman whose child (regardless of age) is taken from them too early, or the woman who never even got past the point at which mainstream society would consider a baby, an actual baby. As there is much debate on when a baby is considered to be an actual baby, perhaps an easier question is... at what point does a woman become a mother?
According to the Free Online Dictionary, a mother can mean:
a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.
b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.
c. A woman who adopts a child.
d. A woman who raises a child.
Well, I certainly was pregnant - I have the ultrasound photos to prove it... this means that a child (or in my case, children) was conceived. The remains of which are buried under a tree at my parents house. So in actual fact, if this definition is true, then I am in fact a mother, just not in the traditional sense.
If things had been different, my twins would be 18 months now. Sure, I didn't have dirty nappies to change, and my life would most certainly be far different now if they were here. I certainly don't think for a minute that I deserve to be spoilt like all the other mothers on mothers day. In some ways, I haven't done the hard yards - I haven't changed dirty nappies, suffered from sleep deprivation, nor had to go without for the sake of my children. Yet, in other ways, I've done harder yards than many would care or want to imagine.
I don't ask for, or expect to be spoilt. All I expect is acknowledgment. Acknowledgment of what I had and what I have lost... acknowledgment of how things almost were, acknowledgment of the pain that still exists. I bet if my babies had died after birth, be it straight after or 20 years after, no one would dare say that I was not a mother... so how is this different? At least one of my babies had a heartbeat. I saw it beating on the screen... 162 beats per minute in fact... my baby's heart stopped beating, just like anyone else's child's heart that stopped beating. All grief is different, and we all have different circumstances and I would never say that my grief is worse than someone else's. The difference is that I don't have the photos to look at except for my ultrasounds, and I don't have memories to look back on, except for those few joyful moments in my pregnancy.
A very dear friend of mine posted a link on facebook today to a really interesting article on the origin of Mothers Day. The link is here. In particular, it stated,
"It was amazing to me how grief and death work so hard to erase mothers like me. All the other moms are getting flowers at some public or religious event, but the childless moms are ignored. The physically present children are celebrated while everyone desperately tries to avoid eye contact with the bereaved mothers for fear they might want their children’s names said, too. Grief is treated as pathological instead of as a normal response to overwhelming loss."
and.. "the writing of Julia Ward Howe, first published in 1870 as a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War. This was a protest led by women whose sons had died! Bereaved mothers started this tradition of Mothers Day! In the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!!"...
and... "Mothers Day came as an answer to Julia’s proclamation. It started as a ceremony of bereavement and then as a movement for peace and action to stop the senseless deaths of children everywhere. Our society can commercialize all they want. Because in my heart of hearts I know the real meaning of this day came from pain, loss, and grief — the same things I am prone to feel on any given Mothers Day. And from now on, when people urge me to celebrate the day, I tell them this: I’ll celebrate with you if you will first mourn with me. It is the combination of the two that lends itself to the true meaning of Mothers Day!"
I am grieving, I feel pain, I have suffered a loss and I feel these feelings on Mothers Day. I'm so glad that I read this article. I know that the person who told me that I wasn't a mother didn't intend to be harsh, upset me or cause offense - how could they possibly know or understand how this feels? I certainly never did before the 5 June 2008 either, and I honestly hope that they never truly find out.
In this case, ignorance truly is bliss...
Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there, whether your children live with you on Earth, or not.
xo
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Its not a love song but...
I was listening to my iPod on my way home today and this song came on...
I like the way - Deni Hines
Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way
i know i'll never find a man like you
who can make me feel the way you do
only thing thats on my mind
is makin love to you
so don't be scared, take my hand
and lets get started
let me rub you down
while theres no one else around
place you on the floor
cause i cant take no more
i wanna here that sound of two lovers getting down
and i want your lovin
cause i like the way you move
now that i found u boy
you got me holdding so strong
and i put my trust in you
so please stay (baby)
cause i like the way
when im looking in your eyes
i wanna taste your lips
wanna hold you next to me
and feel the softness of your skin
nows the time to let you know
whats going on inside
so dont be scared, take my hand and lets get started
Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way
let me rub you down
while theres no one else around
place you on the floor
cause i cant take no more
i wanna here that sound of two lovers getting down
and i want your lovin
cause i like the way you love
Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way
till the break of dawn
we can get it on
aint nothing wrong
with sexin all night long
do you wanna go deep
in between the sheets
........ you got me all wet
the taste of me you wont forget
do you wanna go deep
in between the sheets
you got me all wet
and i like the way
Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way
I like the way - Deni Hines
Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way
i know i'll never find a man like you
who can make me feel the way you do
only thing thats on my mind
is makin love to you
so don't be scared, take my hand
and lets get started
let me rub you down
while theres no one else around
place you on the floor
cause i cant take no more
i wanna here that sound of two lovers getting down
and i want your lovin
cause i like the way you move
now that i found u boy
you got me holdding so strong
and i put my trust in you
so please stay (baby)
cause i like the way
when im looking in your eyes
i wanna taste your lips
wanna hold you next to me
and feel the softness of your skin
nows the time to let you know
whats going on inside
so dont be scared, take my hand and lets get started
Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way
let me rub you down
while theres no one else around
place you on the floor
cause i cant take no more
i wanna here that sound of two lovers getting down
and i want your lovin
cause i like the way you love
Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way
till the break of dawn
we can get it on
aint nothing wrong
with sexin all night long
do you wanna go deep
in between the sheets
........ you got me all wet
the taste of me you wont forget
do you wanna go deep
in between the sheets
you got me all wet
and i like the way
Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way
Monday, May 3, 2010
Mothers Day
Next weekend will be Mothers Day. It would have been my second mother's day. In a month, on 5 June, it will mark 2 years since I found out my second baby's heartbeat had stopped beating. In some ways, it feels as though it was only yesterday that it happened. In some ways, it feels like an eternity. No matter how long ago it feels, the pain is still there. I've read the stories of others, I know that there are women who lost a baby 40+ years ago who still feel this pain. I guess I'll have to get used to it.
Its funny the things you remember two years later... I remember remember walking out into a waiting room balling my eyes out like a lunatic, and that the room felt like it was full of pregnant women or small children. I don't remember the drive home, but I remember the strong urge I had to get in the shower when I got there. I remember for some reason thinking that if I just got in the shower, it would feel better, that everything would be OK, that maybe I'd wake up and it would be a dream, that maybe a shower would stop the hurt. It didn't.
I remember my ex bringing in a glass with straight bourbon and I remember saying that I shouldn't be drinking that because it might hurt our babies, and then the stabbing pain in my chest when I realised the irony of what I'd just said. Too late for that. I skulled it down. I don't remember the taste or feeling in my mouth. I probably didn't even taste it. I remember having my first coffee of 7 or so weeks, and I remember spilling it all over the carpet when I saw a mouse in the house. I don't remember anything else from there. I know I was given three options about what I could do, but I dont remember any of the conversations, I dont remember any of it happening. I was in shock. It felt surreal, as if it wasn't really happening, yet I had known all along that this is the way it was going to always be.
These days, the pain is much different to those early days. The best way to describe it is some really big injury that hurts like hell when it first happens thats visible to the eye - everyone can see it, but after everything has healed on the outside, on the inside there is that dull ache that remains, and no one can see that. After the external injury has healed, people tend to forget.
The waves of grief have become a little more predictable now, two years later. At first, it was like being out in the rough sea during a huge storm just trying to take a breath before being dragged under the water again, hoping that this one breath will last long enough, just until you can come back up and take another breath of air, and yet in some ways hoping that its not, that you'll drown and you won't have to deal with this pain. It would be easier, after all.
These days, its more like being at the beach. Most of the time, if you look out to the great blue sea, you'll see a massive wave coming down on you, and you can brace yourself for the wave, and most of the time, you can ride the wave because you saw it coming. Mothers Day, the angelversary and the due date/s are these waves. The waves you don't see, the ones that end up dumping you, well, they only come once in a while, and if you're lucky, they don't last long.
I am in awe of women who can go on and try to conceive again straight away. Somewhat jealous too. Yet when I think of ever being in a position myself to be that person, it scares me. Too many unknowns and potential for heartbreak. What if it doesn't happen straight away? What if it happens again? How will I cope with that? I'm definitely not in any hurry for that roller coaster that's for sure. As painful as the not knowing might be, the knowing has the potential to be far more painful.
Each day I wake up one step further away from the babies that I lost. This hurts. For each piece of happiness I feel, I also feel guilt. Why you must ask? If things had been different, if I had not lost the twins, life would be very very different. I would probably not have met my Sydney Boy. I most definitely would never have gone to Sydney last January and therefore I would not be moving to Sydney. Everything comes with a cost. Everything. Think of one thing that doesn't. The cost of meeting my Sydney boy, the cost of moving to Sydney was losing the twins. I'm glad that I didn't personally have to make the choice and I know that I deserve every piece of happiness that I have, but it still hurts.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I were the person I am today, without having to learn all the lessons in the way I did to get here. Of course, this is a moot point... if I hadnt experienced the things I have, I wouldn't be the same person today, but it's nice to dream isn't it?
Nonetheless, it has happened, whether it was my choice or not, and if this was the price I had to pay for happiness, I figure I'd better make it worth my while, worth the pain to get here. Or else, what was the point?
I remember my ex bringing in a glass with straight bourbon and I remember saying that I shouldn't be drinking that because it might hurt our babies, and then the stabbing pain in my chest when I realised the irony of what I'd just said. Too late for that. I skulled it down. I don't remember the taste or feeling in my mouth. I probably didn't even taste it. I remember having my first coffee of 7 or so weeks, and I remember spilling it all over the carpet when I saw a mouse in the house. I don't remember anything else from there. I know I was given three options about what I could do, but I dont remember any of the conversations, I dont remember any of it happening. I was in shock. It felt surreal, as if it wasn't really happening, yet I had known all along that this is the way it was going to always be.
These days, the pain is much different to those early days. The best way to describe it is some really big injury that hurts like hell when it first happens thats visible to the eye - everyone can see it, but after everything has healed on the outside, on the inside there is that dull ache that remains, and no one can see that. After the external injury has healed, people tend to forget.
The waves of grief have become a little more predictable now, two years later. At first, it was like being out in the rough sea during a huge storm just trying to take a breath before being dragged under the water again, hoping that this one breath will last long enough, just until you can come back up and take another breath of air, and yet in some ways hoping that its not, that you'll drown and you won't have to deal with this pain. It would be easier, after all.
These days, its more like being at the beach. Most of the time, if you look out to the great blue sea, you'll see a massive wave coming down on you, and you can brace yourself for the wave, and most of the time, you can ride the wave because you saw it coming. Mothers Day, the angelversary and the due date/s are these waves. The waves you don't see, the ones that end up dumping you, well, they only come once in a while, and if you're lucky, they don't last long.
I am in awe of women who can go on and try to conceive again straight away. Somewhat jealous too. Yet when I think of ever being in a position myself to be that person, it scares me. Too many unknowns and potential for heartbreak. What if it doesn't happen straight away? What if it happens again? How will I cope with that? I'm definitely not in any hurry for that roller coaster that's for sure. As painful as the not knowing might be, the knowing has the potential to be far more painful.
Each day I wake up one step further away from the babies that I lost. This hurts. For each piece of happiness I feel, I also feel guilt. Why you must ask? If things had been different, if I had not lost the twins, life would be very very different. I would probably not have met my Sydney Boy. I most definitely would never have gone to Sydney last January and therefore I would not be moving to Sydney. Everything comes with a cost. Everything. Think of one thing that doesn't. The cost of meeting my Sydney boy, the cost of moving to Sydney was losing the twins. I'm glad that I didn't personally have to make the choice and I know that I deserve every piece of happiness that I have, but it still hurts.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I were the person I am today, without having to learn all the lessons in the way I did to get here. Of course, this is a moot point... if I hadnt experienced the things I have, I wouldn't be the same person today, but it's nice to dream isn't it?
Nonetheless, it has happened, whether it was my choice or not, and if this was the price I had to pay for happiness, I figure I'd better make it worth my while, worth the pain to get here. Or else, what was the point?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Love Song Dedications
My Sydney Boy jokingly told me the other day he's still waiting for me to ring up the radio station to dedicate a love song to him. Being the overachiever that I am, I decided that I'd do one better and dedicate several songs to him on my blog... I mean, this has gotta be better because its committing it to writing eh?
If you click on the title, it'll take you to the YouTube clip...
So here goes... not in any particular order...
Time slows down when ever you're around
But can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
Today was a fairytale
You've got a smile that takes me to another planet
Every move you make everything you say is right
Today was a fairytale
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don't apply
I long to see you in the night
Be with you 'til morning light
I remember clearly how you looked
The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace, your style
And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me
Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have
You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best, I've ever met
And I'll be dreaming of the future
And hoping you'll be by my side
And in the morning I'll be longing
For the night, for the night The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all
Ooo, baby, I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, everyday
Wanna be with you night and day
Baby there's something about you, that I can hold onto, I'm gonna hold onto that
It's been a long time coming, I'm gonna hold on to that
And I'm going to be there alright.
The night I laid my eyes on you, I felt everything around me move
Got nervous when you looked my way but you knew all the words to say
And your love slowly moved right in, all this time, oh my love, where you been
Mi amore, don't you know, my love I want you so
Sugar you make my soul complete
Rapture tastes so sweet
I'm mesmerised in every way, you keep me in a state of daze
Your kisses make my skin feel weak, always melting in your heat
Then I soar like a bird in the wind, oh I glide like I'm flying through heaven
I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I've
Never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart
'Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
Suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
The slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe
Just breathe
In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
I'm closer than I've ever felt before
And I know
And you know
There's no need for words right now
If you click on the title, it'll take you to the YouTube clip...
So here goes... not in any particular order...
Time slows down when ever you're around
But can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
Today was a fairytale
You've got a smile that takes me to another planet
Every move you make everything you say is right
Today was a fairytale
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don't apply
I long to see you in the night
Be with you 'til morning light
I remember clearly how you looked
The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace, your style
And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me
Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have
You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best, I've ever met
And I'll be dreaming of the future
And hoping you'll be by my side
And in the morning I'll be longing
For the night, for the night The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all
Ooo, baby, I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, everyday
Wanna be with you night and day
Baby there's something about you, that I can hold onto, I'm gonna hold onto that
It's been a long time coming, I'm gonna hold on to that
And I'm going to be there alright.
The night I laid my eyes on you, I felt everything around me move
Got nervous when you looked my way but you knew all the words to say
And your love slowly moved right in, all this time, oh my love, where you been
Mi amore, don't you know, my love I want you so
Sugar you make my soul complete
Rapture tastes so sweet
I'm mesmerised in every way, you keep me in a state of daze
Your kisses make my skin feel weak, always melting in your heat
Then I soar like a bird in the wind, oh I glide like I'm flying through heaven
I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I've
Never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart
'Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
Suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
The slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe
Just breathe
In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
I'm closer than I've ever felt before
And I know
And you know
There's no need for words right now
Thoughts on the big move
My last day at my job was yesterday. I have to say that I am definitely glad that I don't have to work there for a long time. The place and the work were really starting to get the better of me. No, I don't feel sad about leaving there.
People keep asking me if I'm excited or nervous. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm either yet. It doesn't feel real, as if its not something thats actually going to happen. Of course its scary, to a degree, to know that after going to work in the same place, every Monday to Friday for the last 4 years, and now on Tuesday life there will go on as normal without me there. If anything, it feels almost as though I'm just going on holidays. In a way, that's what this is: an extended working holiday. I guess I expected to feel that "woo hoo" jump up in the air feeling when i walked out of the building, and I didn't.
I don't think that its really hit me yet, that I'm moving. It doesn't feel real. I've made such a huge decision, and yet it doesn't feel real. I think next week, when my bedroom is almost empty, but for my bed, and at my party when there are tears, and when I get on the plane, after condensing my life down to 23kg in a suitcase, then it'll feel real.
Of course I am impatient, I can't wait to be down in Sydney. I can't wait for the adventure to start. I can't wait to be able to see my Sydney Boy through the week. I can't wait until I don't have to count the sleeps (now at 7) until I can see him again. I can't wait to have a normal relationship where we see each other through the week, one that doesn't involve mass coordination of schedules and flight bookings. Lord knows, its been 18 months since I had one of those. I can't wait to have a normal relationship with a normal man. I don't think I've ever really had one of those - from a cheater, to a manic depressive, to an older man with anger management issues, to an honours student with ADHD and 'issues' in general (including paranoia and feelings of grandoise), yes I think its safe to say that none of these men have been normal by any stretch of the imagination. Oh how I can pick them.
I have every expectation that once I'm down there, and our relationship begins to normalise, the dynamics of my relationship with my Sydney Boy will change. In some ways, its sad but mostly I think its definitely a good thing. It means we're moving forward in our relationship and it will either make or break us. If we're meant to be, we'll last the distance. I have faith that we are meant for each other.
I also have every expectation that after I've moved, my friendships will change. No longer will I be spending two hours in the car every day with Mr J, chatting about every little thing that is happening in our lives. No longer will I be having late night coffees with Miss L and no longer will be I be hanging out with Miss B. I won't be able to have lunches with Mr T anymore, and I won't be sharing gossip while cooking dinner with Miss A anymore either. And I will miss the food at the Pep.
Of course I will miss each and every single one of you, whether I've mentioned you above or not. Each and every single one of my friends represents a special part in my life that I value. Please don't make me apologise for leaving. I'm not leaving you, or because of you. I'm leaving because Brisbane has been missing something, that missing piece for a very long time. Moving to Sydney is something that I've wanted for a very long time, and now I've met my Sydney Boy, the timing is right. Timing is everything. Please don't begrudge the happiness I have with my Sydney Boy. I will talk about him, Facebook about him, blog about him because at the moment, he is the most exciting thing that is going on in my life. I want to revel in this amazing feeling that I am feeling, and it doesn't really matter one iota whether this lasts or not because I just feel so darn great.
Of course once I've moved, there will be times where I'll be busy making a life for me making new friends down there, seeing new things, experiencing new things, and you may very well feel left out... this is expected. But, when all is said and done, if we're true friends, you'll always be on my mind, and we'll find a way to make our friendship work, although it will be different - maybe being apart will make us closer friends. Remember though, I'm not great at remembering to keep in touch with people - I never have been -, so please don't take this personally.
For after all, Elizabeth Foley said, "The most beautiful discovery that true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart". Now, isn't that something?
People keep asking me if I'm excited or nervous. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm either yet. It doesn't feel real, as if its not something thats actually going to happen. Of course its scary, to a degree, to know that after going to work in the same place, every Monday to Friday for the last 4 years, and now on Tuesday life there will go on as normal without me there. If anything, it feels almost as though I'm just going on holidays. In a way, that's what this is: an extended working holiday. I guess I expected to feel that "woo hoo" jump up in the air feeling when i walked out of the building, and I didn't.
I don't think that its really hit me yet, that I'm moving. It doesn't feel real. I've made such a huge decision, and yet it doesn't feel real. I think next week, when my bedroom is almost empty, but for my bed, and at my party when there are tears, and when I get on the plane, after condensing my life down to 23kg in a suitcase, then it'll feel real.
Of course I am impatient, I can't wait to be down in Sydney. I can't wait for the adventure to start. I can't wait to be able to see my Sydney Boy through the week. I can't wait until I don't have to count the sleeps (now at 7) until I can see him again. I can't wait to have a normal relationship where we see each other through the week, one that doesn't involve mass coordination of schedules and flight bookings. Lord knows, its been 18 months since I had one of those. I can't wait to have a normal relationship with a normal man. I don't think I've ever really had one of those - from a cheater, to a manic depressive, to an older man with anger management issues, to an honours student with ADHD and 'issues' in general (including paranoia and feelings of grandoise), yes I think its safe to say that none of these men have been normal by any stretch of the imagination. Oh how I can pick them.
I have every expectation that once I'm down there, and our relationship begins to normalise, the dynamics of my relationship with my Sydney Boy will change. In some ways, its sad but mostly I think its definitely a good thing. It means we're moving forward in our relationship and it will either make or break us. If we're meant to be, we'll last the distance. I have faith that we are meant for each other.
I also have every expectation that after I've moved, my friendships will change. No longer will I be spending two hours in the car every day with Mr J, chatting about every little thing that is happening in our lives. No longer will I be having late night coffees with Miss L and no longer will be I be hanging out with Miss B. I won't be able to have lunches with Mr T anymore, and I won't be sharing gossip while cooking dinner with Miss A anymore either. And I will miss the food at the Pep.
Of course I will miss each and every single one of you, whether I've mentioned you above or not. Each and every single one of my friends represents a special part in my life that I value. Please don't make me apologise for leaving. I'm not leaving you, or because of you. I'm leaving because Brisbane has been missing something, that missing piece for a very long time. Moving to Sydney is something that I've wanted for a very long time, and now I've met my Sydney Boy, the timing is right. Timing is everything. Please don't begrudge the happiness I have with my Sydney Boy. I will talk about him, Facebook about him, blog about him because at the moment, he is the most exciting thing that is going on in my life. I want to revel in this amazing feeling that I am feeling, and it doesn't really matter one iota whether this lasts or not because I just feel so darn great.
Of course once I've moved, there will be times where I'll be busy making a life for me making new friends down there, seeing new things, experiencing new things, and you may very well feel left out... this is expected. But, when all is said and done, if we're true friends, you'll always be on my mind, and we'll find a way to make our friendship work, although it will be different - maybe being apart will make us closer friends. Remember though, I'm not great at remembering to keep in touch with people - I never have been -, so please don't take this personally.
For after all, Elizabeth Foley said, "The most beautiful discovery that true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart". Now, isn't that something?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)