The love story of a Belladonna

I won, I won, I won.

2011-01-26T15:09:00.000+10:00

Well, it's not exactly the lottery and I usually can't even win a meat tray at the pub, but I did win something far more exciting than that (the meat tray, not the lottery... unless it's only a couple bucks...)... My good friend Athena has awarded me a "Versatile Blogger" award. Versatile - an awesome word. V.E.R.S.A.T.I.L.E. which means accomplished, multifaceted, resourceful, functional, adaptable, dexterous, ingenious..

So, a big THANK YOU to the gorgeous Athena for thinking of me :)

Here's how this award works:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award.

Now, 7 things about me:

I have a really dry sense of humour, sometimes in the most inappropriate situations...
I hate the heat and feel humidity quickly, always have apparently - give me a colder climate any day... (currently writing this blog in front of the air cooler thingy that doesn't seem to be making the air any cooler...)
I'm a book worm - always have been. I used to get in trouble for not doing my chores because I'd be so wrapped up in my book, that my "I'll do it after I finish this page/chapter" soon would turn into 3 chapters and I'd still be there...
When I was in primary school, I tried my hand at the violin. I discovered that I am not in any shape or form musically inclined and no amount of practice could ever change that. My first example that sometimes practice does not make perfect...
I'm a girly girl - I love my pink (but don't go overboard with it), I love my handbags and my jewellery...
Because of this, I get acrylic nails every 2 weeks because I can't help but chew my nails. It drives my mother nuts.
I love having photos of family and friends displayed around my house.

Now for the fun part - picking other bloggers worthy of such an award. I know I'm meant to choose 15, but I don't even read 15 blogs!!! LOL So I shall instead just list the ones I do love to read here instead...:

A field of dreams
Delightfully Yours
Domestic Delusions (although Kint doesn't blog much, when she does her posts crack me up)
InfertiliTEE
Kazzas Happiness'

Miss B, if you read this, I haven't included yours here only because I didn't know if you'd want me plugging it or not... If you do, let me know and I shall add it xoxox

Goodbye 2010

2011-01-07T21:45:00.001+10:00

I know I'm a fraction late with this post, but it's been something that has been on my mind.

What a year 2010 was. For some of my friends it was rotten horrible year and they were very glad to see the back of it. For me, it was perhaps the best year of my life.

For those who missed this blog in it's beginning, I'll do a bit of a recap...

It started off with Miss B at Kangaroo Point watching the New Years Eve fireworks, a very relaxing night and I think that this set the trend for the rest of the year.

I spent Valentines Day in February with my best friend from highschool who I have known now since 1998, my oldest friend indeed.

In March, I was a bridesmaid at my old school friend, Miss L's wedding and the following weekend, I met my beloved Sydney Boy here in Sydney and my adventure began. Our first date was at Luna Park - a very different first date to the old dinner and a movie type date. The next day we went to Manly before coming back into the city and going to Centrepoint Tower. The following day we spent lying on the grass at the Botanical Gardens and on my final day in Sydney we spent time hanging out at Clifton Gardens.

At Easter, we went on a road trip to Tin Can Bay to feed the dolphins which is a must do. On our way home, we stopped in at Rainbow Beach for some more photo opportunities.

In April, we headed to Seaworld for the day and I went ice-skating for the very first time.

I made the big move to Sydney in May. This month, we went to the circus and to a fight night at the Ivy to watch one of my Sydney Boy's mates fight.

In June, my Sydney Boy took me to Drummoyne for lunch along the Bay Run, and then at the end of the month we tried our luck at flying kites (unsuccessfully I might add!) before heading to the netball semi-finals at the ANZ Stadium.

In July, we walked from Bondi to Coogee (arriving at sunset), went to my very first footy game and flew to Mackay for an old friend's wedding.

In August, we did the 7km Bay Run which we followed up the following weekend with the 14km City 2 Surf.

In September, we went to Melbourne for Sydney Boy's birthday and then we drove out to Mt Buller - my first ever snow trip too! Later on in the month, we went to the Jambaroo Action Park for a day of fun.

In October, we went "Island Hopping" down at Sydney Harbour (visiting Goat Is, Shark Is, and Clarke Is). We also went to see the Ben Hurr production at the ANZ Stadium. If that wasn't enough action for the month of October, we also went to the Opera House Open Day to get a bit of a glimpse inside the old gal. To top this off, we headed to Adelaide to see Powderfinger.

In November, we had a bit of a quiet one... believe it or not...

Then, of course, in December, we headed to Fiji for 5 glorious days of sunshine and swimming. And then wrapped the year up at Luna Park to see the NYE fireworks on the bridge.

Quite a year eh? I wonder what 2011 has in store for us if this is what 2010 was like?

Fiji!

2010-12-23T23:15:00.002+10:00

(Sorry in ad\/ance for my \/ key - usually I fix it before posting, but tonight I just don't ha\/e time...)

Well as expected, Fiji was just beautiful and e\/erything I expected.

Day 1
There was a group of Fijians at the airport with their guitar, welcoming the people off the plane. We got to our airport transfer with little fuss, although this was our first lesson about Fiji time....

We stayed at Denarau, a short dri\/e from Nadi and spent our first afternoon there exploring the resort we were staying at, booked in some tours and caught the Bulla Bus down to Port Denarau.

Day 2:
The following day, I went back to Port Denarau and got an hour massage and a facial = a bargain at $FJ100. After lunch and my massage and facial, we headed back to the resort where we spent the afternoon relaxing in the coolness of the swimming pool which o\/erlooks Nadi Bay.

I should add, that by this stage, I was really really enjoying the bed in our resort. Not for what you might think though - it was just so unbelie\/ably comfy that I ha\/e come back to Australia and am looking for a bed just like it!!!

The buffet breakky was also unbelie\/able - you name it, and it was there almost: bacon, scrambled eggs, fried eggs, sausages, fried tomatos, spring rolls, hash browns, corn flakes, coco pops and god knows what other cereal, doughnuts, pancakes (with a choice of syrup and cream), chocolate croissants, and all sorts of other danishes, not to mention diff types of bread, fruit platters, fruit smoothies, about 3 types of yoghurt and muesli. They also had a juicer so you could make your own fruit juice, or just pour the pre-made stuff: orange, pineapple and apple. You also had a choice of coffee and tea (heck, why not just ha\/e both!) and also champagne. Needless to say we took our time eating breakky!

Day 3:
On Saturday, we got up early to eat our buffet breakky (but not so much today because we were going on a boat!!!) and went to Castaway Island. There we did some snorkelling and some swimming in the pool. The highlight of my time there was ha\/ing some bread in my hand and ha\/ing heaps of fish come and eat it out of my hands. When there was no more bread left, they were nibbling my fingers! It was \/ery cute!

Castaway Island - just gorgeous!

Fish just off the shore at Castaway Is

Some fun in the pool at Castaway

Day 4:
On Sunday, my birthday, we got up early again and had another buffet breakky and this time we were off to Robinson Crusoe Island. I highly recommend this tour. From our hotel, we got a bus to a ri\/er. At the ri\/er we got on the boat. We were a little confused why we'd be going on a boat in a ri\/er to get to an island that is supposed to be in the sea, until we realised that the island is certainly in the sea, but just up from a ri\/er mouth!

When we arri\/ed, we were told about the a\/ailable acti\/ities for the day. I headed straight off and got another massage ($FJ25) and a pedicure ($FJ25). By the time this was finished, it was time to watch the unearthing of the Lo\/o (Fiji's \/ersion of the Hungi), and the Beqa men walking on hot coals. We had lunch and after lunch there were performances - traditional dances (both men and women), knife throwing and, of course, flame throwing. Afer this, we went out on the boat for some snorkeling. Unfortunately we didn't get to stay long as there was a strong current. When we got back to shore, my Sydney Boy and I went and had a bit of a swim in the pool before I relaxed in a hammock beside the pool with a good book (Jodie Picoult - Keeping Faith)... All too soon it was time to go back to our hotel!

A glimpse of Robinson Crusoe Island

A descendant of the Beqa men walking on coal

Some performances

More performances

Fish @ Robinson Crusoe Is

Day 5
On Monday, we had a relaxing day. We slept in a little, and took our time eating breakfast. We caught the free boat o\/er to an island called "Akuilau" where there is nothing except toilets and 9 people who li\/e on the island. We also went to the Sheraton \/illas and had a couple of cocktails at the pool bar. We swam in our own resort swimming pool, and simply relaxed...

\/iew at breakfast

\/iew from Akuilau back to our resort

The little pig who is a pet for the people who li\/e on the island - seems a bit cruel doesn't it?

Lea\/ing Akuilau to go back to our resort

Swimming in the pool at the Sheraton \/illas

Swimming in the pool at the resort

Enjoying the spa at our resort

My Sydney Boy watching the e\/ening ritual

Day 6
Unfortunately, all too soon, our holiday was o\/er. The next morning, we packed our bags and headed once again for our final breakfast in Fiji. We e\/en got our own farewell song at breakky from the staff. My Sydney Boy used our final morning to go explore the Sheraton, but I stayed by the pool and read my book...

On the plane home, a Fijian man sat next to me on his first trip to Australia. He told me that his wife had just gi\/en birth to their 3rd daughter in Fiji and that Australia is his country of hope because he would like to mo\/e here one day (which is little surprise when their a\/erage wage seems to be about $FJ2.50 an hour!!!). He was coming to \/isit his wife's sister who already li\/es in Australia in the hope that he will like it. We talked about Fiji and about Australia and he asked me to write my name down and that if it was OK with me, he would like to use my name in his daughter's name. I said that this was fine so maybe if he was telling the truth (fat chance, but it's a nice thought isn't it?) my name will become popular in Fiji ;)

Oh how I long to be back in Fiji already...

Life Lesson 1: Trust your gut instinct

2010-11-19T22:08:00.000+10:00

I never got a reply to the message I sent that friend who deleted me from Facebook. My other friend who was also deleted without cause or comment sent him a message on Facebook and a text message. She received a reply to neither message. It was only when she spoke to him on MSN that she found out the reason with a click of a couple of buttons we were removed from his life.

We lost touch. That was his reason. So, instead of, upon making that realisation, picking up the phone to call or send a text, instead of posting on my Facebook wall or sending a message on Facebook or by email, he simply hit the delete button. Must have been too much effort for the poor poppet. Or maybe he didn't care enough to bother. Personally, my bet is on both options.

Of course we lost touch - I was no longer living literally down the street from them anymore!

In this day and age, it's actually pretty easy to keep in touch with people with so much technology at our fingertips. That is, if we care enough to. There's really no excuses for it being too hard to keep in touch. It takes little time and energy to send a quick message via a number of modern day technologies if one doesn't have time for a phone call.

Now, I'm the first to admit that when it comes to keeping in touch, I'm no angel. I freely admit that I'm shit at keeping in touch with others. But I'm also not the kind of friend who wants to live in your pocket. No, you might not hear from me for a few weeks and in a couple of cases a couple of months, but be rest assured that I will think of you and at some point, I will take those few seconds to send you a message, or take the time to give you a call. But that depends on what effort I see you making for me.

I know that Miss B has been crazy busy with her uni work so we haven't chatted as much as we'd like to but I know that when she has the time, she makes the effort for a phone call or text messages. Similarly Miss L has been busy too but she makes the time when she can for a phone call or a Skype chat. Miss K is a single mum to 2 kids but still makes the time when she has the time. Even Mr M who has his own issues to deal with in his life manages to keep in touch by text message and the occassional online chat or phone call.

It just proves what I had already suspected. At least I know once again that my instincts were right. That's OK though. It gives me more space in my life for those who make the effort.

Those are the real friends, worthy of my time, energy and effort. To those friends (even those who aren't mentioned in this blog) a big thank you. The fact you are dedicating your time, energy and effort to read my blog means you are a good friend too.

xoxoxox

In my dreams

2010-11-14T21:05:00.000+10:00

I have been having such weird dreams lately that I actually remember when I wake up. First there was the one where there was a big snake or python in a tree that chased me, along with all it's tiny little baby snakes and they all bit me all over my feet and then after that I spent my time chasing horses up some hill covered in sunflowers. Then there was the one where my mum gave me someone's baby girl that she'd tried suffocating with plastic over her mouth and nose (WTF?!?!). Then there was the one I had this afternoon when I lay down beside my Sydney Boy who was napping before he went to work tonight.

In the dream, there was a girl, apparently an ex girlfriend of his who was trying to get him back. She was quite beautiful and she kept doing things, trying to break us up, and doing things to make him fall for her. In my dream each time she was there, my heart was in my mouth, scared he'd choose her and leave me. Each time in my dream, he chose me!

When I woke up, I couldn't help but marvel once again at how lucky I am to have met him. Usually our sub conscience shows us the things we fear in our dreams. But in my dream, my Sydney Boy chose me! I couldn't help but feel proud of how secure that I feel in this relationship, not only consciously, but subconsciously too.

I couldn't help but stare at my Sydney Boy sleeping beside me and feel my heart swell with love for him, the man who went out last night after 10pm just to get me a banana to take some headache tablets (I can't take tablets without food) and some milk to make a cup of tea to help the headache.

The man who came home last night with 2 cartons of orange juice as well because he knows I hate carrying them up the hill from the shopping centre.

The man who got up early yesterday to cook me breakfast.

The man who is driving into the city tomorrow afternoon just to pick up the plants I got for free on Friday so we can have some colour on our balcony.

The man who is taking me to Fiji for my birthday and to New Zealand in February.

The man who showers me with kisses and attention.

The man who never fails to make me laugh, even when I'm in a bad mood or had a bad day.

The man who has already planned what he will cook for me for dinner on the nights he has off this week that I just know will be all relatively healthy.

The man who cooked me a chicken stir fry the other night after dinner just so I'd have something healthy to take to work for lunch the next day.

The man who always makes sure there's something quick and easy in the freezer for me to cook on nights he's working and I'm by myself so I don't just have ice cream for dinner, or not eat at all.

The man who has become more domesticated (by washing all of the clothes, vacuuming, washing up and cooking) than I think he has ever been, and taken it within his stride.

The man who goes above and beyond what any other boyfriend in my entire life has ever done.

The man who told me yesterday that I'm not just his girlfriend, but the love of his life.

No wonder I feel lucky, even in my dreams.

New friends and old

2010-11-12T22:16:00.000+10:00

When I first decided to move to Sydney, this is before I met my Sydney Boy, part of me was scared to leave my friends in Brisbane because I was worried about what might happen to those friendships. Although it wasn't the only thing that held me back from making the big move, it certainly played on my mind - after all, I didn't want to move to a completely new city, have trouble making new friends AND lose all the old ones as well!

Fast forward 12 months to when I meet my Sydney Boy and I realise two things. The first is that with him in Sydney, I will always have a friend here. The second being that if the friendship is worth anything, it'll always be there.

So it did not come as a total surprise when I began to see this sort of thing happening. I noticed that there were a couple of people who just did not make the effort. In actual fact, before I left Brisbane, I had begun to notice the little effort they made but always wrote it off. Then they didn't come to my farewell party and had a really dodgy excuse, and then when I invited them to a group lunch thing I was having when I came back for a quick visit (literally off one plane from Mackay, rush to Toombul for lunch and then back on the plane home to Sydney), they didn't even bother RS\/P'ing to the invitation on Facebook. Every time I tried making conversation on MSN with the husband (the person I actually knew first) I felt like I was being met with a brick wall. I decided after a while that maybe because they could see what I was up to on Facebook (the perils of Facebook eh?) that if I hid that info from them, then maybe this would prompt them to get in touch to say "hi" and we'd be able to have a conversation. I noticed tonight that the husband had deleted me off Facebook.

Now, I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised as I'd planned to do something similar myself if nothing had been forthcoming from either of them. And, maybe I should have been adult enough to message them both to say "hey, what's happening, I'm a little concerned about how we don't talk anymore". I guess I could just see little by little that there was less and less effort being put in and I was a little hurt. I'm reminded of the quote...

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills. ~ Lord Buddha

I'm reminded of this quote because I had suspected for some time that I was not a priority in their life anymore, that I had slipped down the friend ladder (and maybe I shouldn't put too much weight in Facebook, but when they can RS\/P to someone else's parties quickly but not two of my own, it did cause me to wonder...). I had doubted them and without a doubt, they'll have their own views on how things went the way they did.

I'm not devastated about what has happened, but it does make me a little sad whenever any friendship ends for whatever reason, even though I know that not all friendships are forever. I have met some great friends through this couple so nothing is ever a waste of time. I'd probably have done the deletion myself after a while, but I wanted to give them the courtesy of more time, and had planned to try and see them when I was back at Christmas before striking them off for good. I guess the deletion from him shows I was never much of a priority to them (at least not recently), and that my suspicions were warranted.

Then there are some people and things that I do miss dearly. Sometimes I miss being able to meet up with Miss B for a coffee, or lunch, or whatever tickled our fancy to talk through and find meaning things that are happening in our lives. Talking on the phone is really just not the same. I also miss my late night coffees at Maccas with Miss L. Just the other night, I read that the old gang (Miss L, Miss S and Mr D) were there, and I felt a pang of jealousy and sadness as I had realised just what I had been missing. These friendships are, funnily enough, the ones that have gotten stronger since I have been here.

It's not as though I have been looking for new friends here. In actual fact, I haven't been. Life is always so busy with my Sydney Boy that I have barely had time to catch up with the friends I already have here! Don't get me wrong here, it's not often that I feel desperately lonely - my Sydney Boy makes sure I want and need nothing and he makes me so content but it's just that every now and then (usually when my Sydney Boy is at work at night), there's that pang. The pang I know I'd be feeling much much more if my Sydney Boy weren't here to fill the void my friends left.

Who knows what will happen down the track. One of my dearest friends in the whole wide world, my best friend Mr M, didn't speak to me for years, nor I to him (but that is a whoooole new blog post!), and maybe I will make more friends who can fill in (although never replace) the void left by the friends I left behind in Brisbane. And maybe when we move back to Brisbane (whenever that day may be), I will be able to pick up those friendships that have gotten stronger and enjoy them to their fullest once again.

I'll leave you with this quote...

We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." ~ Amy Marie Walz

Adelaide

2010-11-10T19:35:00.000+10:00

A couple of weeks ago we got to go and see Powderfinger in Adelaide which was pretty exciting.

The best part of the weekend was going to Granite Island. If you're ever down that way I highly recommend it. You can catch a horse drawn ferry over there from \/ictor Harbour, or you can walk over, whatever suits you. When we got over there we were lucky enough to get to see some dolphins swimming along the coast. Have I mentioned just how much I love dolphins?!?!

And if that wasn't enough excitement, there was also a sea lion that was about half a metre from the shore. He spent the entire time we were there just lying in the water, obviously enjoying the cool water. Unfortunately we had to drive back to Adelaide for an early morning flight (me back to Sydney, my Sydney Boy to the Gold Coast to see his parents) so we couldn't stay for the Penguin Tour. If we're ever back there, we'll definitely go back and do the tour.

I really quite like Adelaide and I think we'll definitely go back again.

Now, counting down to Fiji....

Living it up

2010-10-26T20:13:00.000+10:00

Last weekend was a busy one for us. On Friday night we went to see Ben Hur at the ANZ Stadium. It was OK, but certainly not what I was expecting and we were both glad we didn't purchase more expensive seating.

On Saturday night, we headed out for dinner with friends of my Sydney Boy's and I really enjoyed myself. I have missed having people around to have friendly banter and chat with.

On Sunday, we headed along to the Sydney Opera House to their open day. The weather was wet and horrible and the tourists of a particular race were out in force. It was one very frustrating afternoon and would have been better if they'd restricted the amount of people in there at any one time.

Here a couple of photos from the day... (although my camera isn't great...)

Afterwards, we went out for dinner with another one of my Sydney Boy's mates.

What a big weekend for us.

Island Hopping

2010-10-26T18:25:00.000+10:00

We're always doing things, my Sydney Boy and I. Every weekend we both have together, my Sydney Boy always wants to plan things to do. Sometimes, once the initial rush of new romance wears off, it is exhausting. Other times it's exhilarating.

The last couple of weekends, though, it has been me that has wanted to plan things. Two weekends ago, we went Island Hopping. Of course that sounds very exciting and exotic but really it was only down at Sydney Harbour. It was all part of some promotion they do every year where you pay some $$$ and get on a ferry that takes you to Goat Island, Shark Island and Clarke Island, all of which are usually off bounds to the public.

On Goat Island, visitors are taken back to colonial times. I 'signed up' for the army, was given a red vest and then marched in line with others and shown what it was like back in the colonial era. We had a wooden gun that we had to march with, and pretend we were firing. We got a glimpse at how prisoners were treated and learnt a bit about the origin of some sayings "for eg, 3 square meals a day".

Here are some pics from Goat Island (I'm the one in the black and blue dress...)

And here I am in the old prisoner's box - this used ot sleep 24 of them and sure as hell would have been really hot back in the day!

Next, we headed to Shark Island. We timed it well because we were the only ones leaving Goat Island which meant we pretty much had Shark Island to ourselves. We learnt that Shark Island (named only because from the air it looks like a shark) that Shark Island was used as a quarantine zone for animals 'back in the day'. They had some stuffed dead animals and a little touch pool, like they have at Sea World. My Sydney Boy wasn't very fussed though on the sea urchin he got to hold... lol

Arriving at Shark Island...

One of the stuffed animals...

Because we arrived on Shark Island so early and by ourselves, it meant that when we arrived at Clarke Island we had that one all to ourselves too. We felt like \/IPs as we got our own indigenous smoking ceremony and the indigenous kids did a welcoming dance for us. There was another indigenous man who was doing rockpainting so we dipped our hands in the ocre and joined in...

We tried fish cooked over seaweed and learnt about rock fishing and how indigenous people survived before white settlers. They used to have this tree, called the Guardian Tree, and the kids used to sit on the leaves if they couldn't make it back to camp in time and the parents would come looking for them. Apparently they named it as such because the leaves were spikey and snakes couldn't slither on them so they were pretty safe for the kids unless they were unlucky enough to get bitten by a spider.

After we'd seen everything, we headed home, exhausted from our Island Hopping experiences.

Surprises

2010-10-26T15:33:00.000+10:00

I have always loved a good surprise. Although I hate the suspense when you know there's a surprise, you just don't know what it is. Knowing how I love a good surprise, my Sydney Boy organised one for me at the end of September.

He didn't tell me where we were going and he only gave me clues which of course did not help me at all to guess where we were going. So, on a Sunday morning, we got up relatively early and set off on our drive down to the south coast. It was a bright sunny day and he chose well in that regard.

It turns out, he took me to Jambaroo Action Park. We spent the day exploring what the park had to offer: a chair lift up to the top of the mountain, and then toboggan down, the man made beach complete with fake waves, there were water slides but I'm a little scared of those from bad experiences as a kid, and a rock where you can jump in from a height.

At lunch time, we had taken some meat along so we could have a BBQ lunch and we enjoyed it in the shade on such a beautiful warm day.

On the drive home, I couldn't help but reflect on how much I love surprises, and how truly wonderful this surprise was.

Does it get much better than this?

2010-09-20T23:14:00.000+10:00

He cooks.

He cleans.

He's affectionate.

He makes me laugh.

He surprises me all the time, random things, thoughtful things.

We have not had one single argument or disagreement in the entire time we have been together.

He does thoughtful things like making sure there is food in the freezer to heat up when he's not here, so I don't have to cook, or forget to eat, or eat junk because it's easier to make for just me.

When I'm down, he's bought me flowers, or left me cute messages.

He supports me in whatever way he can.

He inspires me to be better and to do better.

He says and does sweet and caring things.

He says what he means, and means what he says.

He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy, even when I don't feel like I am.

All that he does and says makes me feel like he wants me, loves me, adores me. As if I'm the most wonderful beautiful intelligent woman who has set foot on this earth. Maybe I'm not any of things but to him, I am.

He misses me when I'm not there.

When he looks at me, I can see the affection in his eyes.

He includes me in his life. He wants me to be part of it. He doesn't want me to not be part of it.

He is taking me to Fiji for my birthday this year. The trip has now been booked and paid for.

He is mine. I am his.

The day he told me he loves me

2010-09-20T23:05:00.000+10:00

Last Tuesday my Sydney Boy was home all day and we had decided to have a 'date' that night seems we hadn't had much time together as a result of his working schedule. He told me he was cooking dinner, a roast and then we were going to see the new movie that I'd been wanting to see, "Tomorrow, when the war began". I was excited.

When I got on the train, he sent me a text message to tell me he had "installed" something that day. Now, in my domesticated bliss, all the way home, I was wondering what it was he'd installed. After much thought, I came to the conclusion that he must have secretly organised to get the light above the mirror that I had been complaining about for weeks, fixed. Then I thought perhaps he'd bought a new gadget (like when he'd bought the telly without telling me he was going to buy one!).

Then he sent me a text message saying to be careful as I walked in the door. Well, this had me stumped about what it was he had 'installed' and I decided that it must not be the light in the bathroom at all, but no doubt he's gotten something that he thinks I'll like or that will help me.

When I arrived home, I opened the door and gingerly put my head around the corner, wondering what I had to be careful of. The lights were off, there was candle light, and a naked man wearing my pink betty boop fluffy boots topped with an apron standing at the stove with the roast. Well, this was certainly not what I was expecting at all! And, what a sight!

I walked in the door and put my bag down as he hugged and kissed me. I kept looking around trying to see if there was anything new or different. Between kisses I couldn't see anything. He sat me down the bed and took of the apron. He told me he'd dipped himself in strawberries and although I was a little confused, I could smell strawberries on his chest. It's not that I didn't enjoy kissing my boyfriend or getting a little X rated but I couldn't help but be a little distracted trying to find out what exactly he'd 'installed'. This is very different to the way I used to be. He then treated me to a full body massage which was divine and I succumbed to the enjoyment of the massage.

Afterwards, we were sitting in the bath chatting, as we do every night. I asked him what was installed that day when I noticed that the light over the mirror wasn't fixed. It's then he tells me that he simply meant he had meant he'd organised something (ie the massage and dinner). Whoops for me... Although I enjoyed everything he'd planned, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed that the light wasn't fixed ha ha.

It's then he also tells me that he'd originally written "I love you" with strawberry body paint on his chest. Of course this was all smudged and ruined when he put the apron on!

I couldn't help but giggle and fall even more in love with him just at the thought. It might not have gone the way he'd planned it but I love that he thought of such a creative way of telling me for the first time.

And that is the story of the the day he told me he loves me.

Birthday shenanigans

2010-09-20T22:02:00.000+10:00

I wanted to plan something fun for my Sydney Boy's birthday. For weeks, I tossed a number of ideas through my head, trying to work out what I could do to make his birthday special. I was going to give him a present or do something every day of his birthday week. I kept joking with him telling him I was so stumped for ideas for his birthday that I was just going to get him socks and jocks and leave it at that. For a while, he was looking at going to the musical, Wicked. I didn't know how to pull this one off without him getting suspicious. I finally got him to commit to having the night before we were going to Melbourne for his birthday (he'd booked this a while ago) off from work so I could book a table at a 'prestigious restaurant'. So, I booked the tickets to see Wicked. But, I wanted to make this fun and I realised that it just wasn't possible to do what I'd planned (the present every day) with Wicked being on the Friday night.

So, the treasure hunt came into fruition. I went and I bought a couple of pairs of socks, a pair of jox, a wallet, some cologne and some biros (so he can stop taking all mine to work!).

I then carefully wrapped (complete with ribbon) each gift individually and came up with some hiding places, and clues to go with and placed a clue with each gift. On the Saturday before his birthday, after much bargaining from my Sydney Boy, I got him to go to the shops on the premise of getting some food item so I could hide all of the gifts in their hiding place.

On his return, I gave him an envelope with his first clue which sent him down to the mailbox. In the mailbox, he found a pair of socks wrapped up with another clue. This clue sent him to the microwave where he found a pair of jocks wrapped up with another clue. This clue took him to the pantry where he found another pair of socks wrapped up with another clue which sent him to the bathroom. In the bathroom, he found the wallet and biros wrapped up with a clue that sent him to the couch. Under a pillow on the couch, he found the cologne and shower gel wrapped up with a clue that sent him to his final destination: the pillow on the bed. Inside the box, were tickets to see Wicked on 3 September. It was a fun little exercise.

Wicked was really awesome too. If you haven't had the chance to see it, go to Brisbane and see it - I promise it's well worth the money. We'd go and see it again!

The following day we went to Melbourne with his mate, M. We had lunch at a fabulous cafe that is set in America in the 1960s. There was an Elvis and each table had it's own juke box on it with all the music back in 'the day'. I was in heaven. Their milkshakes are to die for. We checked into our hotel, and had a birthday dinner and drinks at the Casino.

The next day, we packed up and headed to Mt Buller to the snow. It was the first time I'd been to the snow and I'm so glad I got to share it with my Sydney Boy.

I really have had such a wonderful time in the past 6 months with my Sydney Boy, and probably done more too in that time compared to the rest of my life. I'm so excited to see where our lives end up if this is what it's like in the first 6 months. I know that, like all relationships, we'll need to work at it constantly, and that if we do not keep working at it, life won't be this wonderful forever and we'll begin to take each other for granted. I know that life will change as we are together longer, and as our relationship progresses to the next stages of our lives.

My Sydney Boy has something planned for next weekend. I'm not quite sure where we're going or what we're doing, but he's always surprising me and I love it.

God damn you're beautiful

2010-09-20T21:18:00.000+10:00

September has proven to be just as exciting with my Sydney Boy as it always is. Perhaps the sweetest thing my Sydney Boy has done this month is call and dedicate another song to me on the radio.

He came home from work one night and raced to put the radio on which I thought was a little odd for him as he usually turns the Tv on instead. I had an assignment due so I was sitting on the couch madly writing it while dinner was cooking on the stove. He finished dinner off and served it while I was working on my assignment, and then he put the radio on his phone and went into the bathroom and began to run the bathwater for our nightly bath together. By this time I was sitting at the table eating dinner, but he must have been worried I'd miss it at one point because he went into the bathroom and brought his phone to the table. I was a little suspicious, but still wasn't entirely sure what he was up to.

And then I heard it, he was on the radio. He said that I mean the world to him, that he was so happy to be with me. I wish I could remember the rest of what he'd said. I wish I'd recorded all of this earlier. And he had dedicated the most beautiful song I have ever heard, just for me, and I fell so much more for him than I had before.

An update in pictures - August

2010-09-20T20:58:00.000+10:00

The week after the Bay Run, we did the 14km City to Surf. I was so proud of my Sydney Boy who did the run/walk in 2 hours 15 minutes, 20 minutes faster than me. I got through what is known as Heartbreak Hill OK. In fact, it was only the last 3km that were hell for me. My right hand started to swell and I was worried about what this might mean. I was tempted to stop and ask the St John people, but I was worried that they might not let me finish the race so I pressed on. The last 2km were agony as my feet felt like they were walking on kni\/es. I pushed through the pain, determined to finish, determined to make my Sydney Boy proud of me for finishing, and damn it, I finished. Here are some pics from the day:
Waiting to get started...

This was taken after we got home. My Sydney Boy and I both passed out on the bed when we got home. We were so exhausted. This is what I woke up to. I could help but take a photo. The sight did (and still does) melt my heart:

August was a pretty quiet month, mainly because my Sydney Boy had been working lots of night shifts at work so our time together on the weekends were really limited unfortunately :(

Of course the advantage to this is that it makes us realise how important and valuable our time together really is, and that is sooo damn important.

An update in pictures - July

2010-09-20T20:45:00.000+10:00

Wow, I cannot believe how much time has passed since I last blogged. There has just been so much happening in my life that I can't even begin to think where to start. Life in Sydney with my Sydney Boy still feels like a fairy tale. Every day I wake up feeling so lucky to have met him and I am sure that I have turned into one of those people I used to hate so badly: the happy in love, the lucky, the one I never thought I would be. Perhaps hate is the wrong word. Envy is probably more accurate. I wish I knew how I scored such a wonderful prize so I could share the 'trick' with some of my dearest friends. It seems to be no more than luck and timing.

We have been very busy since I last wrote. I surprised my Sydney Boy with tickets to the football to see his favourite team play back in the middle of July. It was going to take a bit of planning to make it a surprise and still make sure he could get the night off work so I conspired with my friend Karen. I first of all had to get her football expertise on where to find all the information about who plays who, where they play etc, and then the best game to go to with Sydney Boy's favourite team. Once I'd worked out which game I wanted to take him to, I got her to put a comment on my Facebook wall saying she was coming to Sydney and that she wanted to meet up with my Sydney Boy and I for dinner when she was here. I then asked Sydney Boy to get the night off work which he did and then I booked the tickets (with a little help from a work colleague about which seats were better). I only told him three days before the game. It was incredibly exciting being my first ever football match and I was glad that I'd pulled off the surprise (and that I actually didn't mind going - it was actually kind of fun!). The look on his face when he realised we were going was priceless. As it turns out, my friend's suggestion about the game to go to was spot on.

We then flew to Mackay a weekend later on 24 July to see my old school friend Tammy get married. That was fun although I was a little disappointed we couldn't (well I couldn't) afford to stay longer to go see the Whitsundays seems we were so close. I guess that's another trip for another time ;)

The following weekend, we did the 7km Bay Run at Iron Cove on 31 July... Here's a pic taken before we started

That one was pretty easy really, I was quite surprised at how easy it felt. I was expecting much worse. I felt pretty proud of myself for what I had achieved, although incredibly nervous about what was to come the following weekend...

See my next entry for more info...

Elastic Bands

2010-08-03T22:41:00.001+10:00

One of my favourite comedies of all time is Becker. Everytime I watch it, it just cracks me up. I haven't written in a while because of so much going on in my life. Lately, I've been reminded of this episode (which is probably the best of all the series':

In this episode, Becker explains about 'payback' where something good happens, then something bad happens in return. In particular, at 8:49 in the first video, he says "Imagine a big rubber band... with every so called lucky thing, the rubber band gets stretched a little bit more." and he goes on to list off all the good things that had happened to him that day and as he lists them off, the imaginary rubber band gets stretched more and more "and then thwack". The whole episode is about this theory of his. I included the second video if you are interested and haven't seen Becker yet. Seriously the best comedy ever.

Anyway, for ages now, all these wonderful things have been happening to me and I've been so incredibly lucky. Met the love of my life. Moved to Sydney. Got a job straight away. Moved in with the love of my life. Love of my life keeps getting better and better. Life just gets better and better. I've been waiting for the "thwack" and, by and large it hit me hard when it eventually snapped.

My grandfather, the one who helped raise me from when I was 4 months old, was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of liver, kidney and lung cancer and was told he had about 3 months to live. I very promptly booked a flight back to Queensland to see him a couple of weeks after the news, and only a few weeks following that, he passed away. Two Fridays ago. He was a good man who I had and still have a lot of respect for, and I'll write about him in my next blog.

Following the loss of my twins a couple of years ago, I did some reading about the stages of Grief. Basically, according to psychologists, there are five (or sometimes up to 7, depending on which model you're following) stages of grief a person will go through, not necessarily in any particular order. I think that having this knowledge has helped me in dealing with my grief. I've switched between the denial phase (this isn't really happening, he was alive last time I saw him, he's not really dead), and the anger phase (this isn't fair, why *my* pop?, he's not mean to die yet, there are so many things I want him to be here to see, I'm angry at a god I'm not even sure I believe in). Before he passed away, I went through the bargaining phase (I know he's going to die, but please can he just wait until I've finished my degree, gotten married and had kids of my own?). In being able to pinpoint what I'm feeling and know that it is normal, this has certainly helped me to be strong for my mum and my grandmother.

My Sydney Boy has been fabulous as well at supporting me. He came with me to the funeral and although he had to come home the night after the funeral while I stayed on for another day to see friends, I got home to fresh flowers to cheer me up. I could not ask for a better man to support me.

Yes, that "thwack" was a mighty thwack and I still have a big bruise from where it hit. But I'll hang in here knowing that I'll reach the "acceptance" phase eventually.

The Eastern Coastal Walk

2010-07-12T19:43:00.001+10:00

The weekend before last, we caught the ferry to the city and then went to the famous Bondi Beach. The plan was to walk from Bondi Beach to Bronte, but when we got to Bronte, the views were just too spectacular, and there was still plenty of day left, so we continued to walk until we got to Coogee just on sunset where we had dinner at the Five O's (http://fiveoscoogee.com.au/v1/) which has amazingly great meals for a really cheap price, and you can sit outside on the balcony and see beach...!

I thought I'd share some pics:

Although there were lots of stairs to climb, the view was just amazing and was definitely worth it, all 6km of it! On the walk, we passed the Waverley Cemetary which you can see in one of the pics above. I was certainly taken by it - I just love the idea of having the graves overlooking the ocean as it really seems very symbolic doesn't it? Since we got back, I've found out that this is a really old cemetary, with the first internment taking place as far back as 1877 and even has a few famous people buried here: Henry Lawson, John Sands, William Dymock to name a few. I really hope that at some point in the future no one digs up these graves to make way for apartments on what is sure to be million dollar views.

Anyway, if you're ever in Sydney (or live here), and haven't done the walk, it really is a must do! Here's a link with info: http://www.waverley.nsw.gov.au/things_to_do/beaches_and_the_coast/bondi_to_bronte_coastwalk

I am the luckiest

2010-06-29T22:46:00.001+10:00

If you had told me 6 months ago that I would be where I am today, as happy as I am today, I'd probably have laughed in your face. If you had told me 6 months ago that I would meet someone as wonderful as my Sydney Boy who would keep me more than satisfied and completely happy after 3 months with not one complaint, I'd have told you that you were dreaming. And yet here I am, living with the man of my dreams, who has exceeded all of my expectations, who makes me happier than I could have dreamed of, who I do not have a single real complaint about. Maybe it is me who is dreaming.

I really do feel as though I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I'm sure that most girls feel that way about their partners and really, thats the way it should be right?

Last week, my Sydney Boy gave me the most gorgeous necklace. Its a heart with a photo of us embossed on one side, and "Friends 4 Life" engraved on the other. Its perhaps the most thoughtful gift I've ever been given. I absolutely LOVE it. When I wear it, I feel like I'm closer to him when we're apart. I don't want to take it off.

We had so much fun on the weekend - his mate came over for dinner on Saturday night and I cooked chicken nachos and a Chocolate and Caramel Self Saucing Pudding for dessert. It was a good night - I'm glad that his mate and I get along so well.

I can hardly believe how domesticated I've become. For a girl who would quite often have 2 min noodles for dinner, if I even ate at all, I'm now making all sorts of dishes and funnily enough I actually enjoy cooking for my Sydney Boy. He's a bit on the fussy side when it comes to eating preferences, but what I like is that he'll give the dish a try. I love that he trusts me enough to at least try it. That's important.

On Sunday, we went to Bicentennial Park with the same mate from the night before where we tried to fly a kite (which sadly, failed... we'll definitely have to go again with another kite until we can fly the damn thing!!!). It was a fun morning/arvo which was topped off by having some lunch before going to see the netball semifinals at the Acer Arena. My Sydney Boy surprised me with the tickets on Friday night. The only possible way the weekend could get any better happened when my Sydney Boy cooked a roast dinner on Sunday night for me.

I miss my Sydney Boy already this week. He's on night shift so I really only get to snuggle with him when he gets home from work at 5.30am but I have to get up an hour later. Talking on the phone while he's working just isn't the same and it makes me feel so frustrated - it makes me miss him so much more. I can't wait until Friday - he has a whole 6 days off so I'll have him for the entire weekend, AND half of the week next week I'll get to come home to him. He tells me he's been looking up things he can cook for me - I love that he wants to do that for me - just one more reason why I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

The last two years have been tough, certainly the toughest of my short life so far. I'm so glad that I had the determination to power on, and not let it all get me down, to learn what I could from it, and, most importantly, believe that life would get better. Perhaps if I hadn't had that belief and determination my life would be far more gloomy today.

A friend posted this quote on her Facebook status the other day which I think sums up what I guess that I'm trying to say "

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

My Sydney Boy is my reward, and what a wonderful reward it is - and I'm lapping up every single last ounce of it.

In the words of Ben Folds Five, "I am the luckiest"

A new approach

2010-06-18T22:43:00.000+10:00

I've been doing some self reflection lately, and its been the topic of some of our nightly discussions as we learn to live with each other. What I find interesting is how differently I have approached and am approaching this relationship, to the way I have been in other relationships in the past.

My Sydney Boy and I were watching the reality TV show, "Tough Love" the other night, and it occured to me how laid back I am with him, compared to those women, and to my past self. Watching this show, I realised how much I trust him, and how secure I feel being in this relationship. I have never had to question his feelings for me (except when I'm PMS-ing, but that doesnt count lol) and I have never felt the need to 'investigate' him in the way I've seen other girls 'investigate' their boyfriends from time to time. Every day when he wakes up, I see the smile on his face when he first sees me. Every day when he or I get home from work, I see the smile on his face when he sees me. I feel it in his kisses, in his hugs, and in his 'loving'. I see it when he washes the dishes for me, or when he does things around the house. Take, for instance today, he saw that the washing basket was full, and knowing that I am going away tomorrow for the weekend, he went and washed the clothes so that I would have clean clothes to take with me. I even see it when he tries foods that I suggest or cook that he usually wouldn't eat. He may not always say it, but his actions speak very loudly about how he feels about me, and this makes me feel very secure in our relationship.

Of course, there's always that nagging doubt in the back of my head, that girl who has been hurt far too many times than she cares to remember, the one who was often told (either verbally or by action or inaction) that she wasn't good enough. She's scared that one day he will wake up and wonder what he is doing with her, or what he sees in her, or realise that the feelings he had for her are no longer there. Luckily that girl is silenced pretty easily by my more rational self and only really ever comes out in times of high stress (ie exams + little sleep + sick grandfather) and hormones - I cried reading the news yesterday for heavens sake!!!! I think most of us women have these same fears in the back of their heads, but I'd like to think that there comes a time when those fears just disappear.

The other thing I've noticed, is that I'm much more laid back when it comes to things around the house.

Example 1: The other night, my Sydney Boy made Meatloaf and steamed veges, that was waiting for me when I got home from work. I found out that my Sydney Boy didn't make it from scratch. In fact, he bought it from the butcher, so effectively, all he had to do was put it in the oven, and then put the veges in the microwave. In the past, I'd have been less than impressed. I may have considered it a little lazy. Not this time though. This time, I don't even CARE how it was cooked, whether he made it from scratch or not. It doesn't matter. What matters to me is that he cooked something, anything. What matters to me is that I didn't have to come home after working all day and deal with making dinner. What matters to me is that it wasn't fast food, or deep fried - it was healthy. What matters to me is that it was ready when I got home. What matters to me is that he was thoughtful enough to consider how I felt and try and make my life better for me. That makes me want to make life better for him. In fact, it seems that the more he does for me, the more I want to do for him, and in turn the more he wants to do for me. That is a cycle that I do not want to break, although I know its only early days and the novelty is yet to wear off.

Example 2: My Sydney Boy likes doing the washing up one way, I like doing it another. Once upon a time, I'd have nagged him to do it my way (and in turn caused ill feeling toward me, and frustration for me when he did it his own way anyway, and made me into a nagging girlfriend). Now, I don't care how he does the darn job, I'm just happy he does it at all!!!!!!!!

Of course, this is all in the context of the "Honeymoon Period" so perhaps my thoughts right now should be taken lightly until proven to be sustainable over a long period of time, however I just feel like I have so much more perspective than in other past relationships. I think this is probably a combination of learning from past mistakes (by learning to be able to better identify what is important vs what is not), and the difference in the relationship itself.

All of this said, I'm at a loss about how any other girl could possibly have let this man go. I just don't understand it. He has never given me any reason to doubt him, has always made me feel loved, desired and wanted, he tells me that I look good (and is ever so sincere when he says it), gives me lots of cuddles and kisses (without me having to ask for it!), gives me affection that isn't only aimed at getting laid, is thoughtful, cooks for me, cleans up when I'm at work and he isn't, he's funny, sincere, down to earth, is always looking for things we can do together, includes me in things that involve his mates, and gives me everything I could ever want from a man. No matter what he wears, he always looks so damn sexy and he just looks so darned cute when he sleeps - it just makes me want to kiss him over and over again every time I look at my sleeping Sydney Boy. He just melts my heart....

... And...

... he has a cute man bum [blush].

How the hell did I become so lucky?!?! And what did I ever do to deserve all of this?!

Sydney - a whole month's reflection

2010-06-18T21:42:00.000+10:00

Wow how my first month in Sydney has just flown. It spins me out when I think just how dramatically my life has changed in just a short space of time, and for the better I might add.

A month into my job, and I've got my own workload that I'm allowed to manage on my own which I prefer - I hate having to rely on others to provide me with work. They seem really happy with me there but of course there's gotta be work there for me to do post 31 July or I won't have a job there no matter how much they like me and want to keep me. I'll have a chat toward the end of this month to see whether its likely they'll extend me or not. I'll keep in touch with my temping agency to ensure that hopefully there'll be no gaps in employment. I guess I kind of thought that once I got through all of the immediate risks when I arrived (ie finding a job ASAP and finding a place to live) that would be the end of the risks. What I didn't factor in was that I'll have to keep managing the risk of temping as best as I can. One of the temps at work had a gap of six weeks before this job, and the other had a gap of a week so of course the thought that I could be out of work for 6 weeks without an income bothers me quite significantly. Sure I could probably afford a week but after that I'd be royally screwed. I'm going to start looking for permanent work to at least give me some job security on that front. I can always resign if and when we (meaning the Sydney Boy and I) go back to Queensland.

Which, I guess, brings me to the most important and exciting part of my story... my Sydney Boy. He really is such a joy and brings such happiness to my life, more than I had thought possible. And... I have a confession to make...

We moved in together. Come on, as if you DIDN'T see that coming...

We found a cute little studio apartment which is in a suburb that seemed to be a great compromise for us both: its close to a major transport hub for me to get to and from work, and its also close enough for him to travel to and from his work too. We're a block away from the shopping centre and train station so its really convenient for me without a car down here (and no intention of driving down here, despite my Sydney Boy's insistence!). I really do love it here. Of course its not a castle, but I hope that with a few touches I have made it our own. We've been here two weeks now and I still have a few things left to do to 'make it ours' but we've now got photos on the fridge, flowers by the bed, and even a colour theme (black, red and purple). Its starting to really feel like home, at least to me, and I hope to my Sydney Boy too.

I love the rituals and routines that have started to form... I love waking up beside my Sydney Boy every morning, I like the feeling of the newness of waking up together, I love having my morning coffee and my breakky on these crisp mornings (although I suspect I'll begin to like it less so as winter approaches), I love the kiss goodbye before I go to work, and of course I love the compliments when I look particularly good in the morning before I go to work. I love getting home to discover that the washing up has been done and the clothes have been washed. On the nights when my Sydney Boy has had the day off, I love walking in the door to a warm apartment because my Sydney Boy has put the heating on for me, and smelling a delicious dinner cooked by him waiting just for me. And on the nights that I get home before my Sydney Boy, I like cooking dinner for him, and I love the fact that he's eaten things for me that he wouldnt ordinarily have eaten... and enjoyed it. Its so much better to cook for someone else than to cook for myself thats for sure. I love that when he gets home from working nightshift in the wee hours of the morning, that he wearily gets in, takes his work clothes off and snuggles up to me in bed, where I'm all warm.

But, most of all, I enjoy our night time ritual or routine that seems to have come about for no other reason than our shower is a bit tempermental. When I say tempermental, I mean it seems to remember only two temperatures: scalding hot or ice ice cold. If you're lucky sometimes you can get it to stay on the cold side of lukewarm for long enough to sud yourself off, but quite often it'll turn scalding hot or ice ice cold without any warning. So, we started taking a bath... together. Its so completely relaxing at the end of the day to just get in the tub, and lie back with my head on my Sydney Boy's chest and chat about our day, or whatever else we want to talk about. Sometimes I even get some kisses on my forehead - what girl doesnt enjoy those?!?!

We've been pretty busy these past couple of weeks setting up house together, and I've had exams which hasn't helped. My Sydney Boy's work schedule has been a bit topsy turvey this week too, so I other than the couple of hours I got with my Sydney Boy last night, I haven't really seen him properly since Monday, and unfortunately won't get much of a chance to do so now until next Monday night.

Although I do enjoy the time to myself here just pottering about, reading my book, watching tv, etc, after an hour or two, I begin to miss my Sydney Boy as I realise how empty this apartment is without him. I have no idea how I lived in a three bedroom house before on my own when now our tiny studio apartment feels so empty on nights like these!

Life is just... wonderful and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My first week

2010-05-19T23:29:00.000+10:00

I can't believe its Wednesday already. The week is going so quickly, which is just as well because I can't wait to see my Sydney Boy on Friday night.

I think I'm going to like the new job, even though when I showed up on Monday, no one seemed to know who I was meant to be reporting to, or what work I'd be carrying out. Luckily they worked it out yesterday when my supervisor was in the office, and so she explained what it is that I'll be doing. Its very different to what the temp agency told me that I'd be doing, but to be honest, its much more what I'd prefer to do anyway. There were two of us who started on Monday, but the other girl is less than impressed with the change and I suspect she'll be gone within a week or two. Selfishly, I don't mind because I figure that if I stay, there'll be less competition if they could only keep one out of the two of us on at the end of the contract...

Because they were so unprepared for my arrival, there was very very little to be done yesterday so I ended up getting an early mark at 1.30pm yesterday. So, what does a Belladonna do when she unexpectedly gets an afternoon off work? She catches the very next train to surprise her Sydney Boy of course!

My Sydney Boy has worked night shift this week, so I knew that he'd be asleep when I got there. I had planned to get to his house, undress, and climb into bed with him. All the way there, I made little bets with myself about how far I could get before he'd wake up, and wondered what he might do when he woke up at each stage of my plan - ie if I can get undressed I'll climb into bed. If he is still asleep, I'll kiss him on the cheek. If he is still asleep after this, I'll try and be a little more... er... persuasive in waking him up ;) ... if you catch my drift of course... ;)

So, I caught the next train, and walked 30 to 40 minutes in the pouring rain to his house. By the time I got to his house, my long pants were wet up to my knees, and my left side from where the umbrella didn't quite reach was wet too. His house mate let me inside, and I managed to get as far as putting my handbag down, and getting my shoes and jumper off before he woke up. I was so sure that I'd at least get into his bed before he woke up as I was very very quiet.

I hope I never forget the look on his face yesterday. At first he had this look of shock and confusion on his face. I explained why I wasn't at work, and he welcomed me into his bed with the biggest smile I think I've ever seen from him yet - it was like he was a little kid at Christmas. I finished taking my wet clothes off, and joined him in bed where I got lots of kisses and cuddles. I knew that he had to get his sleep because he had to work nightshift again last night, so I told him to get some sleep. I didn't go there expecting to get his attention - to be honest, I really just wanted to curl up in his arms and relax with him. I kept stealing glances at him, and every time I did, he just had the cutest grin on his face. It was truly adorable, and my heart just melted to see it. My heart is melting just thinking about it all again now.

It was so very worth the walk in the wet weather just for those smiles. After we had a quick bite to eat, he dropped me at the train station to come back to my friend's house. He later sent me a text message to say that I had "more than made [his] day". Little does he realise that going to see him had actually more than made my day too.

And now there are only 2 more sleeps until I can see him again. I love living in Sydney. I love being so close to my Sydney Boy. Right here, right now, in this very moment, my heart is so content... moving to be closer to him was the best thing that I have ever done. The only thing that could possibly make me even happier right now, is going to sleep in his arms every night, and waking up in his arms every morning.

I truly do adore my Sydney Boy from the very bottom of my heart. Who would've thought that something so extraordinary could happen to an ordinary girl like me?

How quickly the first week has flown already!

2010-05-16T21:37:00.000+10:00

On Wednesday night, I got my very first radio love song dedication from my Sydney Boy. It was so very cute! Isn't he adorable?!

On Thursday, I went in for my interview with the temp agency that went really well. At the interview, I was offered a 6 week role at a federal govt agency starting tomorrow! As it turns out, she'd literally gotten off the phone to them directly before my interview so it worked out perfectly. At this stage it is a 6 week thing, but with the possibility of extension. She gave me a bit of the low down about the area I'll be working in, and the supervisor I'll be working for so that will help me quite substantially I think. She also said that out of all the govt agencies down here, this one pays the most money and that they will be needing more temps as the year goes on. I'm hoping that I can get an extension and just remain working for them if its such good pay and working conditions. I'll be happy with whatever comes though.

My Sydney Boy and I looked at a couple of studio apartments on Saturday so hopefully in the next few weeks I will have a place to call my own - this living out of a suitcase business is really doing my head in... There are still things he needs to sort out with where he is living now, and I need to somehow manage to scrape up enough proof of ID yet to apply, but we'll see how we go I guess. I know that some might think that its too soon, and you may very well be right in thinking that but I have a good feeling about this. The trouble is that with his work schedule and mine, even though I'm closer than I was in Queensland, we will be seeing very little of each other otherwise. Take, for example, this week. We had Friday night from 11pm until this afternoon at approx 2pm together, and we won't be seeing each other now until next Friday night. This is what most weeks will look like.

And you know, I love going to sleep beside him at night, and waking up beside him in the morning. I love the way our bodies 'fit' together, and how through the night, no matter when I wake up, we always just seem to be holding each other, no matter how many times we change sleeping positions throughout the night. I love how he looks when he just wakes up, and how he smiles when he sees me for the first time in the morning. I love how he looks at me in the eyes when he kisses me. I love the look he has in his eyes when he does this. I realise that the novelty of having this every morning and every night may very well wear off, but I'm willing to take the risk. I just miss him so very much when he's not here.

Last week, my Sydney Boy told me that we were going out to dinner on Saturday night, and then he had some 'entertainment' planned afterwards. He wouldn't give me clues about what this entertainment was, and all I got out of him on Saturday over dinner was that it was at Penrith, involved entertainment, that it would be a couple of hours, and that he wasnt sure if we were allowed to take photos as the venue may not allow it. You can imagine my surprise then, when we arrived at the venue to discover that it was the circus he was taking me to! Very awesome surprise and an awesome night. How did I ever manage to snag such a wonderful man and how have other women passed this wonderful man up? I, for one, do not plan on letting him go ;)

I've been enjoying the cold weather for the most part: I've enjoyed pulling out the scarf and beanie - something that I don't really get to do at this time of year in Brisbane (and even in the middle of winter sometimes a scarf just feels too hot!). I'm still acclimatising myself to the cold though as I was definitely unprepared for the cold wind down here in the past week! I had prepared myself for the cold temperature but not winds! I've warn a scarf every single day since I've been down here. Last night just to go to the circus, I wore a long sleeve shirt (thin), a vest, two jumpers, a scarf and a beanie. Next weekend my Sydney Boy is taking me to my first ever football match so that sure will be the next real test of my endurance when it comes to the cold weather!

Anyway, I have to be up at 6am tomorrow morning so I'd best get a good night's sleep. I'll write again some time through the week. I hope that this week flies just like the last one so it won't be that long until I'll be in my Sydney Boy's arms again to get all the kisses and cuddles and 'lovin' I can...

Hello from Sydney

2010-05-12T18:50:00.000+10:00

Tonight I'm writing to you from my new home: Sydney.

I'd like to be able to say that my last day in Brisbane was awesome but unfortunately it wasnt. I woke up at 3am, 5am and 7am feeling very unwell and ended up vomiting each time. Needless to say a trip to the doctor was in order to be able to get on my 2pm flight. The doctor sent me to the nurse who gave me a needle in my arm to stop the vomiting, which ironically made me vomit again (which is no surprise as needles usually have this effect on me!) and has now also given me a sore left arm. I was lucky that I got an awesome nurse who apologised (as if somehow he was deliberately doing something to hurt me for no reason lol) and rubbed my back as I was vomiting. It seemed kind of comforting. The rest of the day was a bit of blur feeling like shit and very disorientated. I got a half hour nap in before going to the airport to catch the plane.

The flight was the most uncomfortable flight ever, and certainly felt like forever. I just kept my eyes closed as much as possible and ended up napping in ten to fifteen minute blocks for the duration of the flight. My Sydney Boy picked me up from the airport and brought me home, giving me plenty of TLC to assist in my recovery. He made me rice and veges for dinner following doctors orders of a healthy diet for the next couple of days. As a result of the lack of sleep, and tthe side effects of the needle and nausea tabs I was very tired so it was an early night for the both of us.

I woke up this morning with a massive headache and a sore chest. My stomach doesnt feel nearly as bad as yesterday and I can actually form coherent thoughts so I'm happy about that. Nurofen is my friend at the moment to ward away the headache.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the temp agency for an interview. Hopefully they'll get me something relatively quickly (although I won't be stressing if I get a week off between now and getting me work!). After tomorrow, who knows really what the future holds for me. All I know is that I'm glad that I'm finally here, and enjoying all the affection I'm getting from my Sydney Boy.

What is a mother?

2010-05-10T01:21:00.000+10:00

Today was mother's day. This would have been my second mother's day, and although it was once just another day for me that didn't mean much to me, it now serves as a reminder of all the things I missed out on. No one recognises me as a mother, except for those who have also lost a child/children. In fact, someone told me today that I'm not a mother. Since I lost the twins, I've aways considered that I am, indeed a mother. So, what exactly is a mother?

Is it someone who simply gives birth to a screaming crying baby? Is it someone who changes the nappies of a baby, who acts in the role of a guardian to that child? Is it someone who is there to tuck the child in to sleep at night, and get them ready for school in the morning? Is it someone who is there to watch the child grow and provide guidance to him or her as they approach new situations and tasks? Who is there to put food on the table, and wash clothes, take the children to soccer/ballet/dancing/footy/music classes etc etc etc?

Well, the answer is yes to all of those questions. But what about the woman who gives birth to a baby who never gets the chance to scream or cry? And what about the woman whose child (regardless of age) is taken from them too early, or the woman who never even got past the point at which mainstream society would consider a baby, an actual baby. As there is much debate on when a baby is considered to be an actual baby, perhaps an easier question is... at what point does a woman become a mother?

According to the Free Online Dictionary, a mother can mean:

a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.

b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.

c. A woman who adopts a child.

d. A woman who raises a child.

Well, I certainly was pregnant - I have the ultrasound photos to prove it... this means that a child (or in my case, children) was conceived. The remains of which are buried under a tree at my parents house. So in actual fact, if this definition is true, then I am in fact a mother, just not in the traditional sense.

If things had been different, my twins would be 18 months now. Sure, I didn't have dirty nappies to change, and my life would most certainly be far different now if they were here. I certainly don't think for a minute that I deserve to be spoilt like all the other mothers on mothers day. In some ways, I haven't done the hard yards - I haven't changed dirty nappies, suffered from sleep deprivation, nor had to go without for the sake of my children. Yet, in other ways, I've done harder yards than many would care or want to imagine.

I don't ask for, or expect to be spoilt. All I expect is acknowledgment. Acknowledgment of what I had and what I have lost... acknowledgment of how things almost were, acknowledgment of the pain that still exists. I bet if my babies had died after birth, be it straight after or 20 years after, no one would dare say that I was not a mother... so how is this different? At least one of my babies had a heartbeat. I saw it beating on the screen... 162 beats per minute in fact... my baby's heart stopped beating, just like anyone else's child's heart that stopped beating. All grief is different, and we all have different circumstances and I would never say that my grief is worse than someone else's. The difference is that I don't have the photos to look at except for my ultrasounds, and I don't have memories to look back on, except for those few joyful moments in my pregnancy.

A very dear friend of mine posted a link on facebook today to a really interesting article on the origin of Mothers Day. The link is here. In particular, it stated,

"It was amazing to me how grief and death work so hard to erase mothers like me. All the other moms are getting flowers at some public or religious event, but the childless moms are ignored. The physically present children are celebrated while everyone desperately tries to avoid eye contact with the bereaved mothers for fear they might want their children’s names said, too. Grief is treated as pathological instead of as a normal response to overwhelming loss."

and.. "the writing of Julia Ward Howe, first published in 1870 as a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War. This was a protest led by women whose sons had died! Bereaved mothers started this tradition of Mothers Day! In the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!!"...

and... "Mothers Day came as an answer to Julia’s proclamation. It started as a ceremony of bereavement and then as a movement for peace and action to stop the senseless deaths of children everywhere. Our society can commercialize all they want. Because in my heart of hearts I know the real meaning of this day came from pain, loss, and grief — the same things I am prone to feel on any given Mothers Day. And from now on, when people urge me to celebrate the day, I tell them this: I’ll celebrate with you if you will first mourn with me. It is the combination of the two that lends itself to the true meaning of Mothers Day!"

I am grieving, I feel pain, I have suffered a loss and I feel these feelings on Mothers Day. I'm so glad that I read this article. I know that the person who told me that I wasn't a mother didn't intend to be harsh, upset me or cause offense - how could they possibly know or understand how this feels? I certainly never did before the 5 June 2008 either, and I honestly hope that they never truly find out.

In this case, ignorance truly is bliss...

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there, whether your children live with you on Earth, or not.

Its not a love song but...

2010-05-06T16:13:00.001+10:00

I was listening to my iPod on my way home today and this song came on...

I like the way - Deni Hines

Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way

i know i'll never find a man like you
who can make me feel the way you do
only thing thats on my mind
is makin love to you
so don't be scared, take my hand
and lets get started

let me rub you down
while theres no one else around
place you on the floor
cause i cant take no more
i wanna here that sound of two lovers getting down
and i want your lovin
cause i like the way you move

now that i found u boy
you got me holdding so strong
and i put my trust in you
so please stay (baby)
cause i like the way

when im looking in your eyes
i wanna taste your lips
wanna hold you next to me
and feel the softness of your skin
nows the time to let you know
whats going on inside
so dont be scared, take my hand and lets get started

Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way

let me rub you down
while theres no one else around
place you on the floor
cause i cant take no more
i wanna here that sound of two lovers getting down
and i want your lovin
cause i like the way you love

Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way

till the break of dawn
we can get it on
aint nothing wrong
with sexin all night long
do you wanna go deep
in between the sheets
........ you got me all wet
the taste of me you wont forget
do you wanna go deep
in between the sheets
you got me all wet
and i like the way

Now that i found you boy
you got me holdin' on so strong
i put my trust in you
so please stay
cause i like the way

Mothers Day

2010-05-03T17:36:00.001+10:00

Next weekend will be Mothers Day. It would have been my second mother's day. In a month, on 5 June, it will mark 2 years since I found out my second baby's heartbeat had stopped beating. In some ways, it feels as though it was only yesterday that it happened. In some ways, it feels like an eternity. No matter how long ago it feels, the pain is still there. I've read the stories of others, I know that there are women who lost a baby 40+ years ago who still feel this pain. I guess I'll have to get used to it.

Its funny the things you remember two years later... I remember remember walking out into a waiting room balling my eyes out like a lunatic, and that the room felt like it was full of pregnant women or small children. I don't remember the drive home, but I remember the strong urge I had to get in the shower when I got there. I remember for some reason thinking that if I just got in the shower, it would feel better, that everything would be OK, that maybe I'd wake up and it would be a dream, that maybe a shower would stop the hurt. It didn't.

I remember my ex bringing in a glass with straight bourbon and I remember saying that I shouldn't be drinking that because it might hurt our babies, and then the stabbing pain in my chest when I realised the irony of what I'd just said. Too late for that. I skulled it down. I don't remember the taste or feeling in my mouth. I probably didn't even taste it. I remember having my first coffee of 7 or so weeks, and I remember spilling it all over the carpet when I saw a mouse in the house. I don't remember anything else from there. I know I was given three options about what I could do, but I dont remember any of the conversations, I dont remember any of it happening. I was in shock. It felt surreal, as if it wasn't really happening, yet I had known all along that this is the way it was going to always be.

These days, the pain is much different to those early days. The best way to describe it is some really big injury that hurts like hell when it first happens thats visible to the eye - everyone can see it, but after everything has healed on the outside, on the inside there is that dull ache that remains, and no one can see that. After the external injury has healed, people tend to forget.

The waves of grief have become a little more predictable now, two years later. At first, it was like being out in the rough sea during a huge storm just trying to take a breath before being dragged under the water again, hoping that this one breath will last long enough, just until you can come back up and take another breath of air, and yet in some ways hoping that its not, that you'll drown and you won't have to deal with this pain. It would be easier, after all.

These days, its more like being at the beach. Most of the time, if you look out to the great blue sea, you'll see a massive wave coming down on you, and you can brace yourself for the wave, and most of the time, you can ride the wave because you saw it coming. Mothers Day, the angelversary and the due date/s are these waves. The waves you don't see, the ones that end up dumping you, well, they only come once in a while, and if you're lucky, they don't last long.

I am in awe of women who can go on and try to conceive again straight away. Somewhat jealous too. Yet when I think of ever being in a position myself to be that person, it scares me. Too many unknowns and potential for heartbreak. What if it doesn't happen straight away? What if it happens again? How will I cope with that? I'm definitely not in any hurry for that roller coaster that's for sure. As painful as the not knowing might be, the knowing has the potential to be far more painful.

Each day I wake up one step further away from the babies that I lost. This hurts. For each piece of happiness I feel, I also feel guilt. Why you must ask? If things had been different, if I had not lost the twins, life would be very very different. I would probably not have met my Sydney Boy. I most definitely would never have gone to Sydney last January and therefore I would not be moving to Sydney. Everything comes with a cost. Everything. Think of one thing that doesn't. The cost of meeting my Sydney boy, the cost of moving to Sydney was losing the twins. I'm glad that I didn't personally have to make the choice and I know that I deserve every piece of happiness that I have, but it still hurts.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I were the person I am today, without having to learn all the lessons in the way I did to get here. Of course, this is a moot point... if I hadnt experienced the things I have, I wouldn't be the same person today, but it's nice to dream isn't it?

Nonetheless, it has happened, whether it was my choice or not, and if this was the price I had to pay for happiness, I figure I'd better make it worth my while, worth the pain to get here. Or else, what was the point?

Love Song Dedications

2010-05-02T21:00:00.054+10:00

My Sydney Boy jokingly told me the other day he's still waiting for me to ring up the radio station to dedicate a love song to him. Being the overachiever that I am, I decided that I'd do one better and dedicate several songs to him on my blog... I mean, this has gotta be better because its committing it to writing eh?

If you click on the title, it'll take you to the YouTube clip...

So here goes... not in any particular order...

Today was a fairytale - Taylor Swift

Time slows down when ever you're around

But can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale

Today was a fairytale
You've got a smile that takes me to another planet
Every move you make everything you say is right
Today was a fairytale

Feels like home - Chantal K

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Chances are - Vonda Shephard

Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don't apply

I long to see you in the night
Be with you 'til morning light

I remember clearly how you looked
The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace, your style

And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me

Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have

You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best, I've ever met

And I'll be dreaming of the future
And hoping you'll be by my side
And in the morning I'll be longing
For the night, for the night

When you say nothing at all - Ronan Keating

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

Baby I love your way - Big Mountain

Ooo, baby, I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, everyday
Wanna be with you night and day

Something about you - Five for Fighting

Baby there's something about you, that I can hold onto, I'm gonna hold onto that
It's been a long time coming, I'm gonna hold on to that
And I'm going to be there alright.

Rapture - IIO

The night I laid my eyes on you, I felt everything around me move
Got nervous when you looked my way but you knew all the words to say

And your love slowly moved right in, all this time, oh my love, where you been

Mi amore, don't you know, my love I want you so
Sugar you make my soul complete
Rapture tastes so sweet

I'm mesmerised in every way, you keep me in a state of daze
Your kisses make my skin feel weak, always melting in your heat

Then I soar like a bird in the wind, oh I glide like I'm flying through heaven

Breathe - Faith Hill

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I've
Never been this swept away

All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart

'Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
Suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
The slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe
Just breathe

In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
I'm closer than I've ever felt before
And I know
And you know
There's no need for words right now

This Kiss by Faith Hill

Thoughts on the big move

2010-05-02T01:26:00.000+10:00

My last day at my job was yesterday. I have to say that I am definitely glad that I don't have to work there for a long time. The place and the work were really starting to get the better of me. No, I don't feel sad about leaving there.

People keep asking me if I'm excited or nervous. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm either yet. It doesn't feel real, as if its not something thats actually going to happen. Of course its scary, to a degree, to know that after going to work in the same place, every Monday to Friday for the last 4 years, and now on Tuesday life there will go on as normal without me there. If anything, it feels almost as though I'm just going on holidays. In a way, that's what this is: an extended working holiday. I guess I expected to feel that "woo hoo" jump up in the air feeling when i walked out of the building, and I didn't.

I don't think that its really hit me yet, that I'm moving. It doesn't feel real. I've made such a huge decision, and yet it doesn't feel real. I think next week, when my bedroom is almost empty, but for my bed, and at my party when there are tears, and when I get on the plane, after condensing my life down to 23kg in a suitcase, then it'll feel real.

Of course I am impatient, I can't wait to be down in Sydney. I can't wait for the adventure to start. I can't wait to be able to see my Sydney Boy through the week. I can't wait until I don't have to count the sleeps (now at 7) until I can see him again. I can't wait to have a normal relationship where we see each other through the week, one that doesn't involve mass coordination of schedules and flight bookings. Lord knows, its been 18 months since I had one of those. I can't wait to have a normal relationship with a normal man. I don't think I've ever really had one of those - from a cheater, to a manic depressive, to an older man with anger management issues, to an honours student with ADHD and 'issues' in general (including paranoia and feelings of grandoise), yes I think its safe to say that none of these men have been normal by any stretch of the imagination. Oh how I can pick them.

I have every expectation that once I'm down there, and our relationship begins to normalise, the dynamics of my relationship with my Sydney Boy will change. In some ways, its sad but mostly I think its definitely a good thing. It means we're moving forward in our relationship and it will either make or break us. If we're meant to be, we'll last the distance. I have faith that we are meant for each other.

I also have every expectation that after I've moved, my friendships will change. No longer will I be spending two hours in the car every day with Mr J, chatting about every little thing that is happening in our lives. No longer will I be having late night coffees with Miss L and no longer will be I be hanging out with Miss B. I won't be able to have lunches with Mr T anymore, and I won't be sharing gossip while cooking dinner with Miss A anymore either. And I will miss the food at the Pep.

Of course I will miss each and every single one of you, whether I've mentioned you above or not. Each and every single one of my friends represents a special part in my life that I value. Please don't make me apologise for leaving. I'm not leaving you, or because of you. I'm leaving because Brisbane has been missing something, that missing piece for a very long time. Moving to Sydney is something that I've wanted for a very long time, and now I've met my Sydney Boy, the timing is right. Timing is everything. Please don't begrudge the happiness I have with my Sydney Boy. I will talk about him, Facebook about him, blog about him because at the moment, he is the most exciting thing that is going on in my life. I want to revel in this amazing feeling that I am feeling, and it doesn't really matter one iota whether this lasts or not because I just feel so darn great.

Of course once I've moved, there will be times where I'll be busy making a life for me making new friends down there, seeing new things, experiencing new things, and you may very well feel left out... this is expected. But, when all is said and done, if we're true friends, you'll always be on my mind, and we'll find a way to make our friendship work, although it will be different - maybe being apart will make us closer friends. Remember though, I'm not great at remembering to keep in touch with people - I never have been -, so please don't take this personally.

For after all, Elizabeth Foley said, "The most beautiful discovery that true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart". Now, isn't that something?

Out of reach

2010-04-26T23:32:00.002+10:00

This morning my Sydney Boy came home from work, and crawled into bed beside me and cuddled up to me. I wish that was every day. Actually, I wish that he was here beside me every night to go to sleep, and beside me every morning when I wake up. I know that the time will come, but there's just something about him that makes me want and need to be with him now.

We went for lunch at Coogee today before going to the airport. I wish we had more time together, just more time... more time for more hugs... more time for more of his kisses...

And now there are 12 sleeps until I see him again. In 12 sleeps, he'll be here for my going away party. And when he goes home the next day, there will only be 2 sleeps before I see him. And after that, I'll never have to wait 12 sleeps to see him again. Thank god. I miss him so much when he's not here. I miss him already and I just want the 12 sleeps to fly past so I can be with him again. Seeing him on webcam, hearing his voice, looking at our photos, and reading my blog about him makes him feel so out of reach. So close, yet so far. Similarly, 12 sleeps feels so close, yet so far...

I don't wanna miss a thing

2010-04-26T23:24:00.000+10:00

I really should blog more about my Sydney Boy. Every time I go back and read my posts about him, my heart swells with happiness. I don't want to miss a thing so that I can re-read tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, forever how happy he is making me, I don't want to forget these moments. Even though I know there will be more, I don't want to forget the ones that are passed.

Last weekend we went to Seaworld and added to our good times, good memories and photos. It was hard when he left, even though I knew there were only 5 sleeps til I saw him again, my bed felt empty without him. On Monday night, I kept waking up through the night every time I went to cuddle up with him and I felt disappointed when I remembered he had gone home.

All week, I counted the sleeps knowing that I would be seeing him soon. I couldn't wait to get off the plane to see him. Once again, he had gone out of his way to make our time together special. He took me to dinner at the Sydney Rowing Club. The idea had been that we would have dinner while the sun set over the water. Unfortunately for us, weather wasn't on our side as it had been raining and was almost dark by the time we got there anyway. We ended up sitting inside for dinner, but to be honest, I didn't care, we could've been anywhere... Being with him is an incredible feeling.

After dinner, he took me ice skating for the very first time. It was good fun (although scary for me!!!!) and probably a good exercise of trust as I let go of the rail and held onto him trusting him that I wouldn't fall on my ass (which I didn't - YAY for me!). I'd like to go again at some point and keep going until I can let go of both his hand and the rail and skate one whole lap on my own.

You'd think that dinner and ice-skating would equal a good evening right? Well not for my Sydney Boy... he then took me to Pancakes on the Rocks for dessert. What a man, and what a great evening.

Yesterday he took me to the Parklea Markets in the morning before having a sleep before he went to work. (PS will definitely be going back there to build up my handbag collection after I move... ;) hehe)

He took me to Hogs Breath for dinner last night, and then to Max Brenner for dessert. I really feel like a princess when I'm with him and I don't wanna miss a thing.

Must've been the way you kissed me...

2010-04-15T23:39:00.000+10:00

I am sitting here with just one sleep standing between my Sydney Boy and I... Tomorrow is going to drag, I just know it.

I can't wait to see him. I can't wait to have his arms around me. I can't wait to kiss him, to feel his lips on mine. I can't wait for him to touch me. I can't wait to just have him face to face with me, in real life not pixels on my laptop. I can't wait for his loving. I can't wait to snuggle into my nook and go to sleep beside him, skin to skin.

I have those butterflies again. I like them. I hope they never go away.

I want him so much, and this time tomorrow night he'll be right here in my bed beside me... just where he belongs.

He is mine. I am his. Forever. I hope.

What a crazy few days - a vent from me!

2010-04-13T20:45:00.000+10:00

I've had a crazy few stressful days and as a result, my perception on things have been a little outta wack.

I had an assignment for uni due on Friday so I was a little stressed toward the end of last week trying to get the assignment written. I also had an assignment due yesterday so I was stressed out all weekend trying to get my head around the poorly worded assignment question.

I'm also feeling stressed because I'm so unhappy with work. I'm unhappy with the people I work with and I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've almost wanted to resign on the spot this week so far (and its only Tuesday!!!). Its to the point now where I have actually felt sick every morning before work. Before you go off spreading rumours about pregnancies, its definitely not that. Its anxiety and I've had it before. Apparently when you stress, your stomach creates excess acid and this is what makes you feel sick. I know things aren't really *that* bad and the things that are bothering me happen in every office, but I'm just so over the same shit day in and day out, it'd be good to just be dealing with the same shit but with different people for a change. I couldn't sleep last night and it wouldn't surprise me if this is related.

I'm also probably over-tired and probably a little hormonal which certainly hasn't helped the situation.
Of course, in addition to this my lower back feels like it's out because its tight and sore (and therefore it restricts my movement), and my knees have been sore too... I've also been getting a sore tummy, the kind of sore tummy you sometimes get when you're mid-cycle, and its really uncomfortable. And I'm sure that these are all just physical manifestations of me stressing.

I've also got the wheels in motion to move to Sydney to be with my Sydney Boy. Nothing in concrete to speak of just yet, but chances are it could be happening really soon. I know that I can do this, and the challenge and adventure excites me. All things considered, the whole moving thing is pretty low risk. But at the same time, even though I know this, the change is also scary and its taking a massive leap into the unknown. I keep reminding myself that its low risk, that its not that big of a deal and have been feeling frustrated with myself for feeling like this. I went to a work breakfast this morning and one of the speakers talked about how she moved from Brisbane to Canberra and how big of an adjustment it was, how big and scary moving to another state was, and I realised, that there's nothing wrong with feeling apprehensive about moving because it is a big change, and lets face it, change can be scary even when its exciting! But of course, because of all this other stuff going on in the background, my perception and perspective on things is a little wonky...

Finally, as a result of all of this, I've been feeling so insecure about my Sydney Boy, and its definitely not warranted. The frustrating thing is that I know at the time I'm being stupid and irrational, but yet I get anxious anyway. As the Pink song goes... "its bad when you annoy yourself... I'm my own worst enemy" that's exactly how I've been feeling.

I also wonder whether it hasn't helped that I havent been eating as well as I have been so far this year, and I haven't managed to get much exercise in either. I was hoping to go for a jog tonight to see if that helped any, but by the time I got home tonight it was dark. I was planning to use the Wii Fit to at least do some yoga to release some of this tension from my muscles etc, only to discover that in the power surge the other night, the stupid bloody thing has shit itself. Yes, you can imagine how annoyed I was about that!!!

I know the feeling will pass, probably when I am not so tired and when I can manage to just get a little more perspective. One thing is for sure, I miss my Sydney Boy a lot and I can hardly believe that its even possible to miss someone after such a short space of time. If nothing else, I think I'll be feeling much better at 7pm Friday when he gets off the plane.

Three more sleeps, three more sleeps, three more sleeps... that's been my mantra for the day. I bet you can guess what tomorrow's mantra will be to get me through the day.

5 more sleeps

2010-04-12T00:48:00.002+10:00

Sigh...

Can I just fast forward this week to 7pm Friday?

Please?

Sigh

2010-04-11T00:03:00.002+10:00

I wish that he was here beside me.

... Our bodies 'fit' and I love that it feels so comfortable for me to curl up in the 'nook' to go to sleep.

                           ... This time next week I'll be curled up beside him sleeping in his arms.

But next week feels so far away...

                       and everytime I think about it, I get those butterflies yet again......

.... I hope I never lose those butterflies.

       Yes, I wish that he was here beside me.

Tying off loose threads

2010-04-10T00:57:00.000+10:00

I suppose you may be wondering what happened to both Gruen and the X Factor so I may as well fill you in.

I haven't spoken to Gruen since I got back from Sydney. I don't even care about him anymore. If I hear from him I won't be replying. He's really not worth my time. I haven't heard from the Muso either, although I did see him online briefly tonight when I was talking to my Sydney Boy. He didnt say hi, and I was busy with my Sydney Boy so I didnt say hi either. I'm kind of relieved because for a while there, the way he was talking he was gearing up for something more, which I clearly didn't want.

I told the X Factor about my Sydney Boy this week too. I had organised to meet up with him so I could tell him face to face, but of course I began to wonder how exactly I was going to handle the situation. I mean, first of all he'd expect a pash when he first rocks up - how would I manage to get around that?! Second of all, he usually comes over to my house and stays the night - its not fair to expect him to drive 55 minutes to see me without knowing he wouldnt be staying the night.

I also felt pretty shitty telling X Factor by text message given his frail mental state - in these situations, I always like to think "how would I like to be treated in this situation?" and do that and I certainly wouldn't want to be told by text message. And I certainly don't want to have it on my conscience if he were to do anything stupid as a result of something I've said or done. So, I was in a bit of a catch 22.

I discussed the situation with my Sydney Boy (there are no secrets between us), who had the good sense to suggest that I send the X Factor a text message letting him know he wouldnt be able to stay over this time. Unfortunately however, this led to him asking why, and then if I'd met someone else. I couldn't lie.

He hasn't taken it very well. He didnt reply to my text messages checking on him yesterday and when I phoned him to check he was OK he was rude to me and I could tell by his voice that he was upset. I left it, despite feeling so bad knowing that its my fault he is feeling this way. I know I've done everything I can possibly do to do the right thing by him. I didn't lead him on, I didn't lie to him, I didn't just drop off the face of the planet, and I wasn't rude to him.

He sent me a text today apologising for his behaviour last night, saying that he was just disappointed and pissed off. I respect that he at least apologised. This shows he has grown as a person from when I first met him. He asked if we could at least have something casual. I of course had to clarify that I was actually now in a relationship with this guy I met, and therefore we could never be anything more than just mates. He hasnt replied to that message so I'm guessing that he's upset again.

I feel awful that I've hurt him this much - I'm not "that girl", the one that goes around hurting other people, the last thing I've ever wanted to do is hurt anyone, least of all someone who I know suffers from a mental illness... but I can't help it if the heart wants what it wants, and the heart wants my Sydney Boy... hands down... and I wouldnt want to jeopardise what we have for all the money in the world.

How did I get so lucky?

2010-04-10T00:29:00.000+10:00

That's the question that I keep asking myself. He is now my first thought as I wake up in the morning. I put the flowers he gave me last weekend beside my bed, so they're the first thing I see when I wake up, that and the photo of us that we took when I was in Sydney. He's the only thing I can think about during the day. I can't focus properly on anything else at the moment. He's the last thing I think about as I'm drifting off to sleep. Most nights, I see him in my dreams too. I both hate and love this.

I love this for the obvious reasons, but sometimes I hate this feeling of wanting or needing someone so badly. It leaves me in such a position of vulnerability that frightens me. I also hate being so consumed by him that I am unable to focus on anything else. And yet, despite this, I hope with all my heart that this isn't just some unusual infatuation and that this will last much much longer than that. Every day I look forward to seeing his face on video cam and hearing his voice, although sometimes it seems so horrible that technology can deal such a cruel blow when he feels so close that I could just reach through the screen and stroke his cheek, or put my lips to his and kiss him and yet he's so far away.

There are now 7 more sleeps until I can see him again. Each day I wake up, and I want the day to go faster, so I can go to sleep again because this means that there are less sleeps until he will be here beside me. I'm counting and sleeping my life away.

I find it interesting how different things are with my Sydney Boy compared to others in the past. My last boyfriend was also from Sydney and yet I held off from going down there after I met him 'just in case it doesn't work out' and yet now I've got my Sydney Boy I feel so drawn to being near him that when I found out I didn't get the Sydney job today, I almost cried. I just want to snap my fingers and have me be down there, with him. Why are things so different?

He booked me a flight down to see him too, this week. Didn't I tell you he was fabulous? I fly down there on the Saturday and fly back on the Monday (a public holiday). So, all in all this month, this weekend is the only weekend we'll be apart. I know its not sustainable in the long term, or for very long to get to see each other three weekends in one month (especially if we're attempting to save to go to Fiji together this year!) which makes it all the more urgent for me to get a job down there so I can go be with him.

Finally, I want to share something he said last night (and I hope he doesnt mind me sharing it on here - I'd ask him but he's sleeping and I want to post this up tonight)... He said "the way you touch me, the way you hold me, the way kiss me is just so right"

Those are my thoughts too, and maybe that's the answer to my question, "why are things so different?"

A modern day fairytale

2010-04-06T17:18:00.000+10:00

Once upon a time, there lived a girl who met a prince. Unfortunately, before too long, she discovered that the prince was actually a toad in disguise. She was, needless to say, more than a little disappointed but being the optimist she was, she kept looking. She then met a toad and given the girl was open to trying new things, she figured she'd give him a go in the hope that maybe the toad would turn into a prince one day. He didn't. Time after time, she kept meeting more toads who never turned into princes and more princes who turned out to be toads. She turned to internet dating because she figured that she may as well have fun kissing all of these toads and at least provide some entertainment to her friends while she was at it. And then she met her Sydney Boy...

Hans Christian Andersen once said, "life itself is the most wonderful fairytale of all". This weekend, life with my Sydney Boy was most definitely the most wonderful fairytale of all and I'm, of course, very sad that he's gone home today.

Its so wonderful to meet someone who makes me feel like the most important girl in the world, who treats me like a princess. I got the most beautiful flowers from my Sydney Boy on Saturday night, as well as yummy chocolate. I also got a digital keyring which my Sydney Boy tells me means I can take him with me where ever I go. Little does he know that he already is with me where ever I go because he's in my heart already.

On Sunday we headed to Tin Can Bay, checked into our room and headed down to the beach with a bottle of wine, chocolate dip, strawberries and a towel for sunset. Of course where we were meant we didnt have the full effect of the sun going down over the water, but it was relaxing nonetheless as we had the little stretch of the beach to ourselves except for the odd person or two who walked their dog past us. Although it wasn't what I originally had in mind when I said I wanted to see the sunset, it seemed just right. In fact, I don't think it would have mattered where we were, as long as we were together.

On Monday we got up extra early to go and feed the dolphins, which was, by the way, pretty cool to be so close to such beautiful creatures. On our way back home, we stopped at Rainbow Beach briefly, and then at my grandparents for lunch. I'm told that my grandparents loved him, and think he's the best guy I've been with so far. I definitely agree. When we got back to Brisbane, we had dinner with his parents before spending our last night (well at least for a week and a half) together sleeping beside each other.

I took him to catch the plane this morning and I miss him already. It should be confirmed by the end of today that he'll be back next weekend. I can't wait...

I can't wait to be on the receiving end of his hugs, his kisses and his affection... I can't wait to make him smile and see the 'sparkle' in his eyes... I can't wait to smell him... I can't wait for more of his massages (sooooo good - definitely the best massage I havent had to pay for!)... I can't wait for more kisses and cuddles from him first thing in the morning. I can't wait for more of his 'loving'... the loving he gave me 6 times in just over 24 hours. He's the first man I've actually enjoyed slow sex with and actually wanted more of, which left me pretty surprised. Its never felt so intense for me like this before. Sex is usually just, well, sex for me but not with my Sydney Boy. Its different... What has he done to me?

There's just something about him that I can hold onto...

Now, if this was a fairytale, this would be where the story ends. Of course, I would write it so that we would ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

But, you know, I am not sure if I want this to be a fairytale. Fairytales are just that: they're not real. I would like to think that what Sydney Boy and I have IS real, and the story won't end here or any other time in the near future.

The real story... well, that one is only just beginning... and whatever the ending is, I know that in this very moment I am happy and I'm going to enjoy that, come what may.

Waiting for tonight

2010-04-03T17:55:00.000+10:00

I write this with only an hour or two til I see my Sydney Boy. I am so excited, I might just burst. We've spent the last week on Skype every night until all hours, chatting. Its my favourite part of the day now. I have butterflies in my stomach every time I think about seeing him today, although I'm not quite sure why. It is what it is, and will be what it will be... the butterflies aren't from nervousness or worry, but from excitement of what lies ahead this weekend and beyond this weekend.

Its hard to believe that just over two months ago, I started this blog to keep some of my friends up to date with my internet dating adventures, thinking this would just be a bit of a laugh. I read back on some of my blogs I've written and I'm glad I documented them - its all part of the journey. I'm also glad that I wrote about my Sydney Boy - every time I read back over what I've written, its like reliving those moments over and over again. This and the video calls have been what has carried me through the waiting until I can see him.

I'm really not sure whether to maintain this blog anymore, I mean, what could I possibly have to write about now? Its certainly not my "Datebook" any longer as the only dates I'll be having anytime in the near (and hopefully far!!) future are with my Sydney Boy.

He's read this blog now too, by the way. At first I almost died of embarrassment... but he says he feels the same way. In fact, he liked a the paragraph where I described our first kiss, so much that he posted (with my permission of course!) that paragraph into his status on Facebook. Cute! Now, in a way, I'm kind of glad that he has read it. He thinks I should keep writing, but I think he just wants to read nice things about himself ;)

I just can't help but be amused at how quickly this blog has almost become a Mills and Boon style romance story... definitely a long way from where it started thats for sure. I never imagined when I wrote my first blog that things would end up here.

I'd better go make some dinner and get ready for my Sydney Boy. He says he has a surprise for me this weekend, and, well, I have one for him too, but he doesn't know it yet...

There are those butterflies again...

Decisions decisions - a confession

2010-03-27T15:07:00.000+10:00

I guess by now, for those who are reading, you must be wondering whether I still saw the Swinger, despite my feelings for my Sydney Boy.

I didn't. I couldn't. How could I? My heart belongs to my Sydney Boy, at least for now, and for however long this feeling lasts, whether that be for a week or a lifetime.

He makes me smile. We talked for 4 hours on Skype the other night. He asks some really good questions that really get to the core of who I am (not just the boring old, what do you like doing on the weekends etc), and we talk about a wide variety of topics, and often we'll be talking about "apples", and then suddenly we're talking about "cars" and I can never quite work out how we got from apples to cars.

So, it came to pass that I told him about losing my twins, and the domestic violence in that relationship. I suppose I shouldn't have been too surprised that he was so understanding - he is just one of those people with such a gentle heart and soul. I could see he was really actively listening by reflecting back what I was saying. He showed empathy and understanding. He said "that must have been really difficult for you - I can see it on your face and hear it in your voice". He said "I can't imagine going through something so tough". He said "I feel so proud that you are such a strong person to not only have gone through something so tough, but to be such a positive person today". He asked how I managed to go through something like that and become so positive because a lot of people wouldn't be. He asked if there was a particular point, something that helped me through it. He asked if this had affected the way I trust others, and in particular men. I answered openly and honestly. I am relieved that my only baggage is out in the open. I am glad that he took it so well. I fell for him a little more when he reacted the way that he did.

When I was in Sydney, I mentioned that one of the things I want to do this year is feed the dolphins. He said we ought to do it when he comes up for Easter. I said that it would be an awesome idea. He went home, looked up all the info, and booked accommodation right where we'll be feeding the dolphins. Isn't he just awesome?

I got a couple of our Sydney photos printed through the week and put one in a frame by my bed, and another on my desk at work. I love the way we look together. In my honest and humble opinion, we make a great looking couple. I look at the photos taken of us, and I think how gorgeous he is, and also how beautiful I look when I'm with him. I've rarely been able to look at a photo of me and actually like it. There are several that were taken when I was with him where I just look at the photo and think, WOW. I love the way I look and feel when we're together, or when we're talking.

I'm such a lucky girl, and I only have 7 more sleeps til I can see him again.

My Sydney boy

2010-03-22T21:49:00.000+10:00

Later, I told him that I was beginning to think he was never going to kiss me. He tells me timing is everything. I tend to agree. Sure kissing me on the beach would have been good, but kissing me on the ferry, the way it happened... well it was pretty special.

When we got back to the city, we went to the Centrepoint Tower and got more pics together.

Truly an amazing day.

Today, we met again in the city. We spent the entire day from 11am until 4pm in the Botanic Gardens on the grass. Just lying there, chatting occassionally, kissing, cuddling. Thats all we did and yet it was amazing.

Tomorrow we're going ice skating before I go back to the airport. I'm a little nervous - I have to confess I've never done it before, and I'm usually not good at things like that so I'm sure to look very unco. But I'll give it a go nonetheless...

I have fallen so hard and so quickly for him, I can't even begin to think of any of the other fish in my fish bowl. In fact, I've already told a couple I won't be meeting them now. I can't believe this. This isn't me. Those who know me know that this isn't normally me. I'm torn about hooking up with the swinger now. I really want to. It was something I wanted to do before I met Sydney boy. I am sure I'll regret not hooking up with him. I think I'll see how I feel tomorrow and make the decision then.

I can feel myself falling so hard. I can't find the brake. I dont even know if I want to - I just want to enjoy this feeling while it lasts - it doesn't come nearly often enough. So, I'll take it while I can get it, and hold onto it for as long as I can. Because you just never know, when it might be gone.

Sydney boys and me

2010-03-22T21:35:00.001+10:00

I met the Sydney Guy on Saturday. There are so many things I want to say about him, and yet I dont know where to start. Perhaps the start is a good place...

We met on Saturday night. Some of you reading this would have received my text message with the riddle. These were the clues about what he had planned for us on Saturday night. Date one was Luna Park. We had so much fun going on all the rides and got a couple of photos together. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes. I could look into them for ages without getting bored. After Luna Park closed, we were walking back to the train station when fireworks started going off near the bridge. Totally amazing being under the bridge with him beside me, watching the fireworks. He jokingly tells me that this was organised for me ;) Once the fireworks finish, we catch the train back to Circular Quay and get ice cream and sit and chat with the Harbour Bridge and Opera House in front of us. Amazing. We get back on the train, and I get off at Town Hall to catch another train to get home. I lean in for a hug, and get nothing really back. I feel confused... how could I have misread the signs?

We'd organised to catch up Sunday during the day too. Once again, he gave me clues on Saturday to guess where we'd be going. I like this game. I guessed right. We met at Circular Quay and caught the ferry over to Manly. This bit I like about meeting someone new. The freshness of it. The 'dancing' - you know where you take a step forward, but not quite all the way, and then step back, then they do the same. And you dance around each other, sussing each other out, working out where this might be going, what the boundaries are. So many times on the sand we almost kissed. So many times I thought "this is it - he's about to kiss me" and then nothing. We got some amazing photos together yesterday. If you're on my Facebook I'll probably post a few for you. He's absolutely gorgeous and I'm sure you can see where this is going already. We held each other on the sand, held hands on the way back to the ferry after lunch. When we were on the beach, he said something to which I replied, "yes I thought about that this morning". He said that he was a mind reader. Our faces were so close, and I said "oh yeah? so what am I thinking now then?" and I thought for sure we were about to kiss. I cannot describe that moment. Its the moment you see in the movies. Even as I write it all down, there just don't seem to be the words that describe it.

We got on the ferry back to the city. He held me from behind as I stood at the rail. We took more amazing photos - did I mention how gorgeous he is? And then suddenly, we're facing each other and I dont even remember what we were saying. Our faces get closer and closer as we do the 'dance'. He's looking at me, he's looking at me in the eyes as he speaks. I contemplate looking away. I am scared that if he keeps looking into my eyes he'll see just how much I want this, how much I want him and then suddenly our lips are almost touching and then they're touching and he's kissing me. I kiss him back.

The kiss isn't like the Gruen's. It doesn't make my body tingle everywhere. But it takes my breath away. Just not in the same way. It doesn't touch me through my body but it touches me through every inch of my soul. It's a kiss I want very very much. Cupid has shot me with that bloody arrow!

Gruen

2010-03-22T20:37:00.000+10:00

Not much to report on Gruen. He's dying a slow death and you know what? I care very little. So very little in fact, I can't even be bothered writing about him. I've got an email drafted I was thinking about sending before I came to Sydney. I think I'll edit and send it when I get back.

I can't be bothered with him anymore. There are better things to focus my energy on.

The Swinger

2010-03-22T20:36:00.000+10:00

I met the swinger for lunch before I came to Sydney last week. To look at him, he looks just like any other IT geek. You'd never guess that his weekends usually involve threesomes and swingers clubs, but mainly threesomes.

Looking at this man, I knew without any doubt at all, that if he approached me in a bar, or on the street, I'd shrug him of without a second thought. He's not attractive, well at least not to me. I never did go for the nerdy types. My types are more masculine and tough and strong and broad. And yet, after lunch, out the back of the restaurant, on the couches they have there, I found myself groping him, while his hands ran up my thigh under my dress... not all the way of course... a lady has to have *some* respect ;)

We organised to hook up tomorrow night when I get back. I know a lot of you will frown upon me for even thinking about it, but, you know what? Damn it, its probably safer to hook up with a swinger because at least he's very particular about using protection. I dont know how many guys I've meet over the years who have been so keen on getting me to NOT use protection who most of you would not have a problem with me hooking up with (in fact, there are a couple of you who would probably encourage me to hook up with them). There's probably greater risk of catching something from these men than the swinger... And at least if the Swinger gets repeat business and is having sex every weekend, well he must be at least good at what he does, unlike some men...

I'm not sure now that I will hook up with the Swinger tomorrow night, but not for the reasons you think. Stay tuned for my next blog.

Finally, I'll leave you with a quote I saw while shopping last week: "I'd take shopping over sex any day. Anything that seems a bit small or disappointing when you get it home can easily be exchanged for something more satisfying"...

Confession

2010-03-12T08:31:00.000+10:00

Some of you have asked why I bother with this internet dating gig now that we've figured out that most of the men on there are full of shit, after sex or just desperate (notice I said 'most' not all...).

Well, I have a confession to make. I have an addiction; in fact I have several that I want to actually confess to.

Here goes…

I'm addicted to the thrill of the chase. I find myself getting bored once I get comfortable in a relationship, or just after a few dates. I find the sense of thrill and excitement quickly disappears. Some of you have asked why I have bothered with Gruen, knowing he's full of shit. This is why - its the thrill and excitement of catching him out.

I'm addicted to the butterflies I get in my stomach knowing that I am going to see a special someone in the early stages of getting to know them.

I'm addicted to the yearning feeling when you first meet someone, and you're waiting for them to call or text, and then they do, and you get this feeling in your stomach of excitement ...

I'm addicted to the passion that I feel when I first have sex with someone, and if I'm really lucky sometimes its lasts a while, but it never stays (yet).

I'm addicted to the moment, just before the first kiss, when you know that this, this is the moment, when your lips are literally a millimetre away from each other, and you close your eyes, and as he kisses you, it just takes your breath away.

I'm addicted to the flirting that occurs when you're getting to know someone new.

I'm addicted to the feeling of falling asleep on a man's chest after having awesome sex.

Sometimes I worry that I am too addicted to these things…

That the spell has been broken from the days when my attention didn't wane after the first couple of weeks or months.

I worry that subconsciously I will not let myself be happy like that again…

That the initial novelty will wear off too quickly with every man that I meet hereon in.

But, I know that one day I will meet someone,

someone who the sense of thrill and excitement won't disappear with...

... Who will still give me butterflies in my stomach well after I've gotten to know them

And when this happens, my sense of passion won't wane...

... And nor will the flirting and banter.

And, I don't for a minute think that I will find Mr Right online (if he's as stubborn as I can be at times, I just know I'll be waiting a long time for him)... but a few Mr Right for Now's who will feed these 'addictions', well you know what? I'd be happy with that... for now...

Fish Bowl update

2010-03-12T00:36:00.001+10:00

I've been talking to a guy who works in security - a different one to the one I've spoken about in previous blogs - this could become confusing. He works in Sydney but commutes back to Brisbane where his family are every couple of weeks. Although he's not strictly a Sydney boy and is more of a security guard than a bouncer, for the sake of my stories, I'll refer to him as the Sydney Guy, just in case I meet the hot Brisbane security guy (who is getting back into bouncing).

Although I was tempted to exclude any man who works in the security field after my last disastrous relationship, I decided to give Sydney Guy a go. He's 24, and because I know Miss L will want to know, he's a Virgo. He's a hard worker too from what I can gather and has travelled a bit.

I'm glad I did. We've done the whole webcam thing (with our clothes on of course!) and now we've done the Skype thing too. We had a conversation on skype with video and he was actually quite animated and engaged. it was great - we talked about a wide variety of topics and was pleasantly surprised to discover that we have similar views on politics (and I think he was secretly surprised to find out that I actually knew bits and pieces)!

Its odd the kinds of things that you notice and find attractive sometimes... Like, I felt drawn to Sydney Guy's mouth and in particular his teeth. He has nice teeth. And I like watching him when he smiles. He has a nice smile. I can't actually think of anything else about him other than his smile, and the way he talks - he has a nice voice.

We're meeting in Sydney so I'll have an update for you on him when I get back from Sydney.

Not much to report on the Western Front

2010-03-10T23:29:00.000+10:00

Gruen has been emailing me, but won't speak on the phone, well until tonight anyway. I'm determined to follow through with my plan but I'm also getting bored with this. I actually wonder whether he's deliberately doing this so I'll walk away, although it doesnt seem to be his modus operandi.

The update is that he's going to court next week over the 'shit the ex is stirring'. To be honest, I'm pretty impressed with the justice system in this country if they can process something like this so quickly, especially when you see in the news all the backlogs with the system. You're going to love this story... He says that his ex from four or five years ago, who he was with for three months or so had him charged for sexual assault, battery, theft and fraud. He says that he was in court a couple of days ago and the magistrate chucked out the sexual assault and battery charges, but that he's gotta go back to court next week over the other two. He said that this psycho ex gf has been stalking him and his family and mates and followed his mate for over 5 hours a few weeks ago and he now has a restraining order against her.

He maintains that he's coming to Sydney with me and is organising accommodation. What a prick to lead me on thinking he's going to look after the accommodation. Its just lucky that I have someone I've organised to stay with (who I was planning to stay with anyway before Gruen invited himself). Imagine what a difficult situation I could have potentially been in if I got down there to discover he wasn't coming and wasn't looking after accommodation. Again, what a selfish prick.

The other thing I find odd is that whenever we're on the phone he always sounds like he's whispering. Whats with that?

Anyway, there'll be a lack of updates over the next couple weeks as I'll be away for a wedding this weekend, and then fly to Sydney on Tuesday for a week. I don't know how much internet access I'll have while I'm there - I'd hazard a guess to say not much...

Til then,
xoxox

Ponderings...

2010-03-08T23:47:00.000+10:00

I can't help but feel a little disappointed with recent events. Don't get me wrong, I am so damn glad that I followed through with this, despite my gut telling me that Gruen was full of shit. I think in the end for me, it gives me some kind of satisfaction to be able to sit back and say "See! I knew I was right!!" than look back and always wonder whether I'd read too much into all of this, and dismissed a perfectly good guy.

But still, its disappointing because I had hoped I'd be wrong. Even though I knew, logically and from experience that there was not even the slimmest of chances that I could be wrong, I had hoped I would be. I liked the fantasy that he had created. Because, lets face it, most girls dream of a man who will sweep them off their feet, and do all the things that the Gruen had promised to do. He was definitely one for big promises, just not so good at actually following through on them. It is true, I had hoped that the fantasy he had created would last just a little longer... Is this so wrong?

Imagine that you're standing on a train track and down the line you see the lights of a train approaching you. You keep screaming "Train!" at the top of your lungs as it gets closer and closer to you. You know that the train is getting closer, and all the while, you can't help but stand there, waiting, just in the hope that maybe the train will stop, even though its just not possible for the train to stop... even just to see what exactly the train will do when it sees you on the tracks. And yet, even though you saw the train coming, and you knew it was inevitable that it would eventually get to you, you can't help but be a little surprised when BAM! the train hits you.

Thats how I feel. Surprised... and disappointed.

I said this at the start, and I'll say it again. Perhaps the most sad thing of all is that I probably would have liked him for who he was, if only he had told the truth. Hell, looking at all of my previous boyfriends you'd understand why. He didn't have to make up the lies about the apartment in the city, about the cars, about the job, about living overseas, about the overseas travel, about the interstate travel, about any of it really. All he ever had to be was himself. All he had to ever do was let me see the real him and decide whether I wanted to be with him. It was only fair after all - I only ever showed him the real me.

Why do these people do it? Fear of rejection? Lack of self esteem? Mental illness? All of the above?

Whatever it is, all I feel is pity, so much pity in fact that it makes me feel sick to my stomach. And sure, there's a part of me who, deep down inside, feels compelled to 'rescue' him from this pity and gloom, but then I remember all of the other 'lost puppies' I've rescued over the years, and feel even more compelled to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

Just, of course, as soon as I take the revenge for all the less fortunate girls that he has duped along the way. And yes, maybe even a little from me, for not being the one to prove cynical ol' me wrong.

Revenge is a dish best served cold

2010-03-08T17:39:00.000+10:00

Gruen contacted me today, apologises for his behaviour last night and tells me that he has something to deal with that he took out on me even though I was not directly involved (or so he hoped). Of course I've pretended to be in a state of confusion.

He said that he is having problems with an ex and that he's going to the police with it. Its for this reason he couldn't see me tonight because he'd be sorting that out.

He's so full of shit. I think he's onto me, but I'm hoping that if I play dumb for long enough I may just lure him into a false sense of security and then serve my revenge cold, the very best kind according to the philosophers.

So, just like a lioness sits in the grass and awaits her pray, I too, will sit and wait and hope that he's stupid enough to come back for more. I just hope he loves conning me as much as I think he does...

This way, I may even come up with an even more devious plan to hit him where it hurts. I know that this won't change anything - he will still do this to other women long after he's forgotten my name, but maybe, just maybe, he'll be a little wounded... and of course, I just wanna see a little karma dished out to him...

While I wait, there are plenty of other fish in my little fish bowl that I can play with...

Hell hath no fury...

2010-03-07T22:06:00.000+10:00

I might have said it here, or I might have said it on FB, or maybe I just verbally said to someone, that if you give them enough rope, they'll hang themself. Tonight, Gruen effecively hung himself.

How did he do this you ask? He added my friend, Miss B on the website and started talking to her. Now, as it turns out, she happens to know someone who was conned by Gruen. And this person knows someone else who was also conned by him too.

So all four of us girls had a huge chat on MSN and compared stories. Turns out, he's told the same stories to them, or similar ones, although I didn't get the "I have cancer" or the "my grandmother died" sob stories perhaps he was saving those little gems up for a rainy day. He's apparently never been overseas. In fact, he's apparently currently been convicted on fraud charges - anyone know how to confirm if this is true? Surely its a matter of public record... And apparently he's dated several women at once (although he did tell me this himself). He also apparently does not even have a car, and they're not even sure whether he even has a license. And, as I suspected, there is no apartment in the city, and he is dead broke.

It sounds as though I was lucky to be suspicious of him. As the saying goes, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you". He's really screwed over some really great chicks, and that makes me angry. One chick lost $170 to him, although as we both figure, sounds like it was $170 worth spending to get rid of him. One of them knows his parents so called them up and told them he was on the website duping more women.

Next thing I know, he's deleted or suspended his account, and he sends me a text message saying "your funny" (yes spelt incorrectly too - that was another thing thats bothered me)... I feigned ignorance because I have an evil plan. He originally said to leave him alone, but when I replied saying I was confused because only an hour previously he wanted to make a go of us as a relationship (this was all part of my plan). He said he'll talk to me tomorrow. I hope so. I have an evil plan of revenge to enact tomorrow night if he'll meet me tomorrow night.

Its such a pity too - he is such a good kisser. As I said in previous posts, when he kisses me, I can feel it all through my body, it takes my breath away. Perhaps that in itself, is the greatest disappointment.

The Life Coach

2010-03-07T21:44:00.000+10:00

has added me on Facebook... I accepted him and put him on Limited Profile so he cant see anything. I wanted to do the Facebook trawl through photos...

And boy does that man make we wanna do bad things...

Hell hath no fury...

2010-03-07T20:25:00.000+10:00

Stay tuned people...

Developing story about Gruen is on its way...

The gut is always right, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it...

The Muso

2010-03-07T18:40:00.000+10:00

just called me from his home phone. He's out of credit hence the no reply.

And yes, he's still very interested, and I feel bad because I totally just blew him off (and not in the way that men like to be, well blown...)

I'm a busy woman, and with the wedding this weekend my time this week is limited.

The Life Coach

2010-03-07T17:31:00.002+10:00

Has cancelled tonight, as he's apparently gotten home to a mess with a new house mate. We're rescheduling.

Three men in one weekend

2010-03-07T16:00:00.001+10:00

Let me introduce you to "The Muso", the blue fish in the fishbowl. The Muso is 33 and lives at Toowong. He plays guitar in a band. We have great conversations, deep and meaningfuls that he once referred to as a "mindfuck". Of course I thought he was meaning that I was messing with his head in a bad way by sending mixed signals but he clarified for me that it was a good thing, and more like we were having sex with our minds and not our bodies... yes, I thought it was a little cliche too...

We caught up for a drink after work on Friday and I was somewhat disappointed to discover that, from my perspective, there just wasn't the chemistry in person that there was online. We had a good chat none the less, and he did come back to my place, but we didn't do anything (I'm getting much better at the sleeping-in-the-same-bed-and-not-doing-anything thing lately..). I got the impression that perhaps he had a different view about the chemistry between us, but given I haven't heard from him yet which is a little unusual for him, perhaps I got it wrong. I'll wait and see.

Last night, the X Factor came over. He brought some movies over but we ended up having a D&M instead and didn't end up seeing anything. He is such a great listener. When I talk to him, I really feel like he is listening to what I'm saying. And, I've said this once before, but I'll say it again, he's really good to sleep beside. He just holds me the entire night. We slept in this morning which was nice, and then went and had brunch at Mt Ommaney. I probably won't see him again now for a couple of weeks because I've got so much on. He smells soooo nice, and as I write this, I can still smell him, even though he's been gone for a couple hours. It's the one thing I both love and hate about the way some men smell. When they're here I just can't get enough of them, and when they leave, their scent lingers and makes me long for them.

And, finally, let me introduce you to another fish who I'll be adding to my little fish tank... "The Life Coach". The Life Coach is 29, and has a degree in psychology. He has also studied NLP and has his own business in life coaching. Of course, I had to google NLP to find out exactly what it is... and lucky I did because I realised very quickly that he was using NLP techniques on me!! What a mind fuck, as the Muso referred to it... It feels like such a challenge, and definitely good sport.

He's been in Port Mac for a few days on holidays and he came back this afternoon. We might be going to the movies tonight at South Bank if he's not too tired. He's going to let me know.

So, can I do it? Fit three men into one weekend? I would like to think I can...

And the plot thickens Part 3

2010-03-03T20:28:00.000+10:00

Gruen and I had our first arguments yesterday. On that basis alone, I've decided to walk away. This is why...

On Monday when we caught up, Gruen asked if I would go out to dinner with him tonight, on the Gold Coast with clients of his. The suggestion from him was that I would stay at his apartment that night.

It was of course, of little surprise then, that he started to set it up yesterday so that he'd bail on me again. By email yesterday morning, he said that he had to be at the airport by 3pm to catch a flight to Auckland but that he'd be back, ideally, by lunch time.

He then emails me after 4pm saying that he wasn't able to make that flight and that he'd probably fly later that night. I replied and asked whether this meant I should make other plans because surely he wouldnt make it to NZ, meet with people, and get back to Brisbane by this afternoon...

He got really defensive and shitty (and in some respect, probably because he felt as though he was being criticised, which, well, he was...) and replied to my email and just told me to do what I want. It was clear from the email he was annoyed. I sent him an email before I left work to say I'd be somewhere at 6.30 but that he could call or text me before then. He messaged me while I was on the train to say I hoped I had a good day. When I asked if he was shitty at me, he replied with a really cranky message. Complete over reaction to the situation. Of course I responded with what I think was a reasonable response about how it makes me feel when he cancels on me. It was still clear he was annoyed so I left it.

At 5.45 he said he was catching the plane in an hour. This checks out with the flight timetables.

He then texts me at 9.15pm last night to say he was in Auckland. I asked him to get me a postcard from the airport... Figured this was a sure fire way of getting evidence, if he brought one back with him. He wants me to call him because it'll be cheaper for me to call him while he's there. I told him I had to go out because I was meeting Miss L and Miss S for coffee, to which he gets really upset that I've made these plans and that he has made time for me, and gone straight back to the hotel instead of going for after dinner drinks.

So, he leaves Brisbane at 6.45pm, on a 3 hour flight, and manages to get dinner and text me by 9.15pm? Does this seem suss to you?

Anyway he gets all upset YET AGAIN. Somewhere in all of that, he says that he's tired and feels like he's burning his fuse at both ends. I can't help but think this is nothing more than an excuse for bad behaviour.

I give up on him, go out for coffee, and then come back and end up talking to the Blue Fish til 3am this morning (Blog to come about this).

I sent him a text message when I got home saying I didnt end up making plans with anyone so if he does get back in time for dinner tonight, let me know. No reply.

He sent a blind copy email to me this morning asking for anyone in Auckland to get in touch with him for lunch. This email was sent at 8.14amAEST. That would make it 11.14am Auckland time and he's only just sending an email about lunch? And he was meant to be back by lunchtime here anyway? What the?

I didnt get a reply from him to my text message, til about 5.30pm this afternoon when he tells me that he's just landed but then says he's on the Gold Coast Highway at Robina and going for dinner with the clients... Seems a bit odd that he's JUST landed but yet he's at Robina already... why would he wait til Robina to text me? He then tells me that he moved dinner to 6pm seems I wasn't going anymore. And then he gets shitty because he says he didn't get my message last night, and implies this is my fault.

I dont know, it all just seems like one huge lie after another, and as someone said to me today, it really doesn't matter whether he is telling the truth or not, I dont trust him and thats the most important thing. After his little temper spits over the past two days, I really am even less than impressed, and less inclined than ever to even want to do anymore detective work into this. I really think I'll be telling him next time I see him that he cannot commit to more than 1 night a week to see me and all other times he can't see me and that I do at times have difficulty believing some of the things he says that just don't add up.

I was all for working out the mystery before, but not when he's going to crack little tanties like this over stupid stuff. I wasted 6 months of my life waiting for someone while they finished their thesis, only to find out that the thesis wasn't the problem, it was them. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is telling the truth, I've still got to wait another 5 or so weeks til he supposedly finishes the role he's currently doing. Why would I wait that long only to find out once again, that work wasn't the problem, it was actually Gruen all along...?

And, I want to clear the decks for the Blue Fish... If I get time tomorrow night, I'll give you the low down on him.

Til then,
X

The Plot Thickens Part 2

2010-03-03T19:51:00.000+10:00

Following his 'illness' on Sunday preventing me from staying at his apartment, I was not surprised on Monday when he kept to our original plans of hanging out on Monday night because there was no threat of me staying over.

He tells me that he's got to go overseas next week to London, LA and New Zealand but assures me that he will be back in time to come to a wedding with me on Saturday. Sure, I guess its possible for him to visit all three countries in five days, but how he wouldn't be jetlagged on Saturday seems a little hard to believe don't you think?

Anyway, this aside, we did have a great time, once again on Monday night, and I really think that its only when he talks about his job that my bullshit radar goes into alert - but the mystery remains... why lie about his job? Either he's a pathalogical liar, or he's insecure and thinks that this is the only way women will be interested in him or he doesn't have one at all...

And the plot thickens... Part 1

2010-03-02T21:45:00.000+10:00

Last week, Gruen suggested we go to GOMA on Sunday afternoon and after that, we'd spend the rest of the afternoon hanging out, have dinner together and then I'd stay at his apartment for the night.

On Saturday, I received a text message from him saying that he had a headache and a temperature. Next thing I know, he's apparently at the doctor getting antibiotics. When I joked, "you're not a hypochondriac are you?" to which he replied that he was going to get something to knock it on its head before it got too bad because he wouldn't have time this week to be sick, or to go to the doctor.

I had a feeling he was setting the scene to cancel on me on Sunday and I was once again proven right when I was woken by a text message at 8am Sunday morning saying that he'd been vomiting all night and had diarrhea. He said he'd go back to bed and hopefully by the afternoon he'd feel well enough to see me, to which I replied he'd be better off getting better - lets face it, if he was lying, there was no way he was ever going to see me, and if he wasn't lying, having just gotten over a cold, I didnt want to catch a bug too!

Then he messages me Sunday arvo to say that he is at the hospital and on a drip from dehydration. I find that bit difficult to believe.

I've got to run, but when I have time I'll write more about what has happened since then. And I'll blog about this blue fish I added to the bowl.
xxx

New fish added to the bowl

2010-03-01T23:16:00.000+10:00

I've added another fish to the bowl - will blog about him another night when I have more time.

And there's a Gruen update on the way - might wait til Thursday night for that one.

Fish

2010-02-26T18:21:00.001+10:00

You might have noticed the fish to the side of my blog - the number of fish in the bowl represent each of the boys:

The red fish is Gruen
The orange fish is X Factor
The yellow fish is AA
The green fish is Swinger (I decided to add him because I think, for no other reason than interest I will meet him and then blog about it...)

I'll add a fish to the box as I meet someone and add them to the mix, which I hopefully will be doing...

Anyone know anything about Twitter?

2010-02-26T17:02:00.000+10:00

So Gruen sent an email to a group of people and it came to me. It was a blind email so I can't see who else it was sent to, but it mentions being slack this week and not updating his blog or Twitter. Of course I asked him if he'd give me the link to read, and he said he'll show me when I go to his place, but that its mostly work related.

In case he doesn't give it to me, is there any way I can search through Twitter to find him? I dont use it so I dont know.

And, there's really no way of finding his blog on the WWW without knowing what he blogs under or anything is there?

Anyone know?

Bits and Bobs

2010-02-26T14:35:00.001+10:00

I've been sick this week so there's been very little happening on the Gruen and X Factor fronts. While I'm sure the 1900 sex chat voice is very sexy, the snot and phlegm is remarkably less so ;)

The X Factor has been sweet, sending me text messages to see how I am. I only wish I'd received this much attention from him when we were in a relationship 5 years ago. A little effort, a little too late. But the attention is good for the ol' ego...

The Gruen has messaged and/or called every day. He told me last night he resigned from his job, giving six weeks notice. The suspicious side of me wonders whether, if he IS lying as I suspect he is, this is his way of righting the lies he's told about what he does without getting caught. This way, he can say in 6 weeks time that he's got a new job at XYZ company where he currently is... Maybe I'm just being super paranoid now. We're doing something on the weekend, although he hasn't told me what it is - I think its meant to be a surprise. I do know it involves art and that it wont require much effort seems I've already told him I'm still not well and don't want to be galloping around the place feeling like this. I guess it's a sign of the fact he does really want to see me if he's willing to get sick in order to see me.

Being at home all day yesterday gave me some time to search the internet dating site (procrastinating from study, just like I'm doing right now...).

I talked to the guy I was talking to before I started seeing Gruen and the X Factor - lets call him AA. We might be meeting up next week... I'll keep you posted.

I talked to a few freaks.

I talked to a security officer who I have the hots for, big time. For someone so attractive, he's actually really nice.

I talked to a sci fi convention loving, public servant by day, swinger by night. Who said public servants are boring?? He also tells me that he has a big wang - 8 to 9 inches long and very thick but to look at him, he's like a stick... It seems almost like it would be disproportionate to the rest of him LOL

He offered to take me to a swingers club sometime... I told him that its really probably not my scene but he tells me if I don't want to play, that I can just watch... I told him I'll keep it in mind....

Tempting... if I went with him the swingers club, at least I'd see for myself about his wang... haha
Don't worry, I promise if I go, I'll blog about it [insert mischievous grin here]

They do say that curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back again...

Suspicious Minds

2010-02-24T20:09:00.000+10:00

In previous blogs, I've said I dont trust Gruen. I still dont. I want to document here my suspicions because I know that there have been things from the beginning I just don't trust but I've now forgotten.

He says he's some big shot marketing exec who has worked on billion dollar campaigns of at least two very big companies and that when he left his job in the US, they had over 700 applicants. I'd expect that someone who is so hot shot would surely be able to get a hit on Google. Yet, when I google his full name with a whole heap of different terms that you'd think would pull something up, I get nothing. I've searched for him on Facebook but without being able to narrow it down to age group, its almost impossible to search through the over 500 hits I got matching his name. I even looked in the whitepages, but the only person with his surname and initial lives at Highgate Hill, not the city, and looking at the building on Google Earth it doesn't look very flash. I even googled his mobile phone number and looked searched for him on www.pipl.com (a stalkers paradise by the way - its worth going on there just to search for your own name and email addy).

He also says he lives in a four bedroom (3 bedroom, 1 study) apartment in the city... by himself. I googled the place he says he lives at and there doesn't appear to be any 4 bedroom apartments there, so short of ringing them to confirm, it looks pretty suss...

He was apparently in Sydney yesterday afternoon and apparently came back last night. When I asked him where he was staying last night, at first he said it was behind XYZ Hotel (name removed purposely) but that he'd have to get up to check how to spell it. He did eventually send me the name, and according to Google Earth, it isn't entirely behind that Hotel, its about 2 streets away, but I guess given they're both highrises you could be forgiven for saying that its behind that hotel.

He then said that he was down there at a data centre fixing it or something. Now, if he was in IT, I'd believe him. I asked him what social media has to do with fixing a data centre to which he replied that he owned his own hosting business for 6 years so he knows how this stuff works and that it saves the company $6k. Hmmm believable? I guess so. But if he's on the kinda money he makes out he is in the marketing field, I find it hard to believe that, given he's only 30, he could've feasibly owned a hosting business for 6 yrs and become such a hot shot in the marketing area by the time he's 30. Sure its possible but.... I dont know, there's just something that doesn't seem right.

When I google his name, all that comes up is some footy guy (definitely not him), and some IT stuff... its possible of course that perhaps everything he's said is the truth except the fact he doesn't actually work in marketing - he could just work in IT, but that seems like a rather stupid lie really.

He wants a sleep over on Sunday night, although I've clarified with him that if I stayed, our clothes would remain on. On the one hand it'd be handy because perhaps if I saw where he lived then this would cross one of my suspicions off the list, but on the other hand, if he kisses me, I'm not sure how well I'd go keeping the clothes on... suspicions or no suspicions...

Another Gruen update

2010-02-22T23:15:00.000+10:00

Gruen kissed me tonight. There's two kinds of kisses: the ones that you can feel only on your lips as their lips touch yours, and then there's the kisses that you can feel through every inch of your body, the ones that make you want more. Gruen's were the second kind, which surprised me.

There was no mistaking his intentions tonight either. He was very clear: his words were "I don't want to share you" and he used the forbidden C word - commitment. Somewhere in there were the words long-term which was followed very closely with the forbidden R word - relationship. I don't understand why its so important for some people to label these things - isn't it better to kind of just wake up one day and go, "wow I dont want to be with anyone else, this is the person I want to be with" instead of having to label it and say "from now on, we shall be boyfriend and girlfriend and there will be no others"? Enough with the pressure already! Of course I mean no offense to anyone who needs to label things, I just don't think its for me.

It also bothers me when I meet a man and he's quick to jump into a relationship with me. The hopeful part of me thinks "wow he must really like me" but the cynical, or realist part of me thinks "why is he so keen for a relationship? why is he so desperate?". I don't mean this at all in a demeaning way toward me but one really does have to ask themselves why someone would be so quick to jump into any relationship.

I do stick by what I said at the beginning when I first met him: he'd be excellent to do the fun stuff with. We talked tonight about picking two days each month and on one day I pick something different to do, and on the other he picks something different. We won't know what the other has planned until we're there, it can't cost very much and we can't do the same thing again for three months (I take it this means if we are still talking in three months?!). I love surprises and if it actually happens, I think this is something I'll definitely enjoy a lot. Mind you, I might need to put my thinking cap on for things to do, although I already have a few things I was going to do anyway by myself or with other friends...

I did enjoy tonight too. We went to a place with a couch, ordered a drink and some food, and just sat there, in the dull light, ate, drank, chatted and just was just there. It was nice not to feel like I had to fill the silence with words, which anyone who knows me knows I'm inclined to do. Mind you, it could very well have been because I'm sick...

I've told him that we should just see where things end up, that the "no expectations, no disappointments" motto has worked well for me in the past (Thanks Becker!). I'm hoping that I can put him off for a few more weeks, a few more dates, just to first of all make sure he is who he says he is.

Which reminds me, he did tell me where he works tonight, but now in the midst of everything I've forgotten. If I'm feeling better on Wednesday night, he wants to see me again, and after that kiss tonight, I'm powerless to say no.

Being a Grey's Anatomy fan, I'm reminded of this quote:
A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

Now, if I can put him off for a little while longer, maybe I'll be ready to know.

Gruen

2010-02-21T19:35:00.000+10:00

So Gruen and I just had a chat. He's looking for something serious. I'm not sure how I feel about that. This is all meant to be fun. I don't think I want something serious. But if he's telling the truth about who he is... then maybe it would be OK. But do I want to give up the fun and excitement of all this so quickly?

And I found out his last name tonight, but not where he works. His parents are teachers, I found that out though. And his middle name is Jon. But not where he works... that'll be another conversation I think.

I think I really do need to hurry up and somehow find out if he's telling the truth about who he is.

That's so cute!

2010-02-21T16:58:00.000+10:00

X Factor has already changed his relationship status on Facebook.

And he's invited me to his house tomorrow night. His parents won't be home, but this is more than I ever got when we were in a relationship?

Odd.

Breaky with Gruen

2010-02-19T21:21:00.000+10:00

I had breakfast with Gruen this morning. I got a message from him afterwards to say thanks and that he was looking forward to tonight.

We were meant to have dinner/drinks/movies tonight, but he messaged me late morning saying his brother was sick and had to go to the hospital and would let me know about dinner/drinks/movies. An hour before we'd originally organised to meet up, I hadn't heard from him and so I messaged him to ask how his brother was - he apologised and said he'd call me after 7pm.

Its now almost 9.30pm and I am less than impressed.

We talked this morning about me going into the city to meet him after work tomorrow night. I'm not going to chase him up.

I will not chase him up over this.

Extra, Extra: X Factor cleared of all allegations...

2010-02-19T21:15:00.000+10:00

X Factor was over last night - I asked him about his last relationship and he said it ended at the end of last year. I asked him about the Facebook relationship status and he was very apologetic that I'd seen it and thought that something was going on. He says that his ex girlfriend set his Facebook up for him, and that he's really only been on it once or twice and he'll have to get back on and work out how to change his relationship status. My gut says that he is telling the truth - I'm going to go with that.

He stayed the night - I enjoy sleeping beside him: he doesn't snore or hog the bed or sheets, and he is happy to hold me while we sleep. Its really nice.

I will be seeing him again.

Gruen update

2010-02-17T20:37:00.000+10:00

Gruen called me last night - we had a good chat. He wanted to know if I'd like to have breakfast with him on Friday. I'm undecided whether its a good idea - we're already meant to be having dinner and seeing a movie on Friday night... What do you think? Breakfast AND dinner all in one day????

I had coffee with him too today. Not much to report - we had a good conversation and half an hour was gone before we knew it.

Guess I need to make a decision about breakfast... any ideas?

X Factor status update

2010-02-17T20:19:00.000+10:00

I feel like a detective sometimes, having to investigate things.

Last night I was talking to a friend in her car about the X Factor and she asked what he looked like. I started to describe him, and then wondered whether he'd be on Facebook to show her a photo from there. I did a search for him on Facebook Mobile and I find his profile.

I discover from his profile that he is supposed to be in a relationship! Without sounding too much like a stalker, I checked his profile to discover that his relationship status changed somewhere between 25 November and 2 January. This is interesting information. To his defence, it looks like he really doesn't use Facebook much but it does call into question whether he is in a relationship or not.

Although the temptation is strong to call him and confront him about it, I've decided on what I believe to be a far superior approach. If I call and confront him, logically he'll probably deny it and I really won't know for sure unless I email the girl herself (which of course I'm reluctant to do).

We were meant to have dinner tonight but thanks to QR's delay in me getting home and him running late, I decided it would be too late by the time he got here. We're seeing each other tomorrow instead.

Tomorrow, I'll steer the conversation around to our last relationship and get him to say when it was. If he says something that fits with my discovery on Facebook (ie we just broke up a couple weeks ago etc), I'll probably mention adding him on Facebook to see his reaction. If he says something that doesn't fit (ie i haven't had a relationship in six months), then I'll call him on his bull shit and send him on his way. I might be many things, but I'm definitely not the 'other woman'.

Its quite simple really, lull him into a false sense of security and then when I have him trapped, only then will I show my cards.

Information isn't everything, its how you use it.

The X Factor

2010-02-15T21:48:00.000+10:00

On the same day that I met Gruen for coffee, I got a text message from a number not in my phone asking if this was still my number. Turns out, it was an ex I originally met 5 years ago. We got as far as the three month itch before realising we weren't compatible. Because we hadn't sufficiently hurt each other the first time around, after we bumped into each other in a random club that neither of us used to go to a couple years or more ago, we decided to give it another go. That lasted only a month or two before things turned ugly and we went our separate ways.

Needless to say, I was rather surprised to be getting a text message from him at all after the ugliness of the break up. Turns out he was working on the new building opposite where I work and he saw me almost every lunch break, a couple of times I was less than a metre away from him but he never said a word to me because I apparently looked annoyed or angry and he assumed that I'd deliberately ignored him (this little nugget gets filed away for future reference - may be the reason men never approach me in Brisbane???). The long and short of it was that he managed to find my number written down in his room after months of searching (I'm a little afraid to see the state of the room?) and contacted me.

We had dinner that night as a last minute thing and were surprised to realise that this was actually the first time we had ever gone out to dinner together as our relationship was usually always confined to the couch watching a movie, or in the bedroom. It was actually really nice to just sit there and chat and he seemed much more mature than I remembered him, and has also completed his apprenticeship now so he's a fully qualified sparky these days. He drove me home even though he lives on the other side of the city and we had the biggest snog in the car when we got back to where my car was parked. It was like being 16 again... seriously... it went on for fifteen or twenty minutes and even had a bit of booby grabbing in there. Haven't had action just like that in years!

Like Gruen, he too sent a text message when he got home saying he'd enjoyed dinner. This only further supports my theory that some men have clued onto how women think and might be using it to their advantage.

On Friday night last week, I finished work early and rang Gruen on the off chance he was free to hang out. He wasn't, so I contacted the X factor and he decided to come over, but only on the provision that if he stayed there would be nothing in it for him. He agreed. Of course, while the X Factor was on his way over, Gruen rang me back and had decided he'd rather hang out with me and was going to change his plans.

That was a little awkward...

I see the Gruen as someone I could go out for dinner with, who I can do more fun things with, be a bit spontaneous with, someone who (if he is telling the truth about who he is) could keep me on my toes and keep me interested enough. I see the X factor as someone who I can cuddle up with at night (I had forgotten how much better he was at that than others), and maybe even get a little nooky from.

The REAL challenge is going to be how to juggle them both, and any others I meet along the way, without them finding out about each other. When I work two jobs, study part time, have volunteer work, socialise with friends AND try and date its no surprise that I'm going to be kept on my toes and will have to be VERY careful in making sure that they never know about each other.

I'm definitely up for the challenge.

The Escapee and the Gruen

2010-02-15T21:16:00.000+10:00

So far, I've been on two dates. The first was a guy who lives two suburbs over from me. We met up for a quick coffee two Thursday nights ago. He looked similar to his photos which was definitely a bonus, however I was most unimpressed when he spent the whole time sending text messages to someone else. I suggested most politely that if he had an emergency or somewhere else he needed to be we could continue this some other time (ie - here's your escape route if you want to take it) but he didn't take the bait. In the end I used MY escape route (thanks L!!!) and left. Clearly the disinterest was mutual because I haven't heard from him since. I've chalked it down to experience and in some ways I'm thankful I got a dry run with someone I hadn't invested much time in.

Now, onto the second date I had. To protect the innocent (and the guilty!), I've renamed the second date "Gruen" and I suspect that I'll be writing about him for a couple of blogs to come. Gruen tells me he's 30, and a professional who seems to have travelled to a few different places in the world, and lived for a while in at least two other countries so far. He seems to be a bit of a jetsetter on an incredible amount of money, or so he makes out. Our first 'date' or 'meet up' went well. We had a good chat and the time seemed to fly. He kissed me on the cheek at the end of the date (tick), and asked if I was free on the weekend because he'd like to see me again. Immediate interest = another tick. By the time I got upstairs, I'd received another text message to confirm he'd enjoyed coffee and that he'd definitely like to see me again. Bigger tick. So far, he's maintained interest daily just messaging me to say hi or see how my day is going = another tick. However, I'm beginning to get more than a little suspicious about whether or not he is who he says he is. I can't help but put the "Detective" cap on and question what he tells me. I'm of the firm belief that if something seems too good to be true, then it probably is. I really hope that he is telling the truth, because what would be really sad is if he was making the whole 'jetsetting' gig up to impress me when in reality, if he'd just been himself I might have just liked him for that. Only time will tell but in the meantime, I'm sitting back enjoying being Bella Detective...

Apart from the suspicions I have about whether he is who he says he is, he does seem to be doing and saying all the 'right things' from a dating perspective... you know, showing interest, being interested in what I'm saying etc etc etc. And I guess this makes me more than a little suspicious. Well before the book and the movie came out, my philosophy had always been, if he's interested he'll call/text/show interest. If he doesn't, he just isn't that into you. And I wonder whether, as a result of the book and movie, whether we might end up with this rare breed of man who wants to capture a market of women who feel empowered by measuring interest on these things. For years, women have made excuses for men when they've been disinterested (he's tired, busy, his dog ate his computer/phone/form of communication) instead of realising the cold hard truth of life: he really just wasn't that interested and I bet if you went back and looked at things with an impartial eye, you'd be able to pinpoint the moment in time it started to become that way, and realise the excuse that you made for him. But what can a woman do in the new world where women are seemingly well versed in "He's just not that into you"? How can a woman know whether a man really is that interested in her, or whether he's exploiting these women who mentally tick off the boxes that the book and movie tell them to tick off?

But, as they say, give them enough rope, and they'll hang themselves... though I can't help but wonder, what will Gruen do?

Internet Dating

2010-02-15T20:43:00.000+10:00

Welcome to my very first blog. As some of you would know, I have started internet dating as a bit of a social experiment. A friend of mine believes that there are quality men to be found online, men who are busy professionals who just don't have time to meet women through the ordinary channels. Now, I am not entirely convinced that this is true, but being the true Sagittarius that I am, I decided it was worth the adventure to find out.

The internet dating world is actually really interesting - first you spend all this time trying to figure out how to describe yourself, even asking others how they'd describe you, checking out the 'competition' to see what they are writing about themselves, deciding what photos to display. And then, well you find out that most men don't actually READ your profile. In fact, I dont recall speaking to a single man who actually had! When it came to a photo, I decided some experimentation was in order and changed the profile pic over a few days, trying out my favourite three photos. Now, here's the really interesting thing: the photo that seems to have attracted the most interest from men is actually the photo with the least make up. In fact, I barely got any interest from men with the other two photos that I'd put up.

At first there seemed like an incredible amount of men, which means an incredible amount of choice so here's what I've been screening out:

Single dads (nothing against them, but right now, I'm at a point in my life where I'm just not willing to play second fiddle from the very beginning to someone else's child);
The very obviously desperate;
Profiles with very little information in them;
Profiles with photos that don't look like much thought has been put into them;
Profiles with cliches (looking for that 'lucky lady', the special someone, walking on the beach blah blah blah)
Profiles where they've uploaded photos of them with a 'niece' or 'nephew' or brother's girlfriend's cousin's aunt's dog's sister's cousin's daughter's step child - clearly a clever tactic
Men who look like they've got little substance other than the usual boy stuff

And so on.

What I'm really looking for is this: what makes you different to the other men on here? What is so good about you that makes it so compelling that will make me really want to get to know you?